And now back to our regular schedule programming

**UPDATE Hey guys,
Having a weird situation going on over here.  Lost most of my post but saved this: **

Scott is on board for us trying again, and we're planning to run another SA just to see. (Look at me, a plan and everything!  Hey, my ducks are lined up again! Yippee!) Then in the next cycle we will try to schedule a Lap to see if I've got something going on with my business. And then we will most likely try and IUI. (quack... quack....)

But before that, we're going to have just a regular Friday.  We ordered pizza for dinner, and are about to meet up with some old friends at a bar, have a beer or two, play some pool and just be some normal 26/27 year olds.

Plan B... ?

Feeling discouraged about the interview yesterday.  All gross and stressed out.  And to top it off, I thought I was being all super-mature paying bills early?  Well then we were busy and ate out a lot... and now we're over drawn.  Two steps forward and one step back.  *smacking forehead with the heals of my hands*

On the upside? Scott just just got notice that an application he submitted to a fire department out in Washington wants him to take the written test, the first step toward testing/interviewing for the department.  It's the last week of April.  Who knows, maybe that will work out and it wont matter that my interview sucked?  I've been wanting to get back to the northwest sooooo badly...  But if we do that, we have a very limited amount of months to get a pregnancy to stick with Rachel.  I'm feeling pressure either way. 

I really need to just stop trying to figure out my future.  Isn't the biggest lesson of infertility, of life, of faith, that we can not plan?  That we don't know if or when anything will ever happen?  And while I know all of that... old habits die hard.  I want a plan.  A back up plan.  Ducks in a row! Here duckie duckie duckies...

I know in a couple days we will know more.  Or we wont.  And all my plans and back up plans will have been a lot of wasted mental energy and emotions. I feel like at the very least, I'm doing something.  Because I have to do something.

Apparently that something is rambling.  Sorry guys.  I promise to try to write something better later.

Tiny Victory!

T's dad just said that he was fine with renting the house to us this summer (WOOHOO!) but he wants to replace the carpets before we move in, so we will have a month or so from when T moves out to when we can move in that we will need to find a temporary place to live...  (BOO!)  He said he was willing to negotiate the price with us too, (YAY!) so while it will be more than we are currently spending on rent the fact is ANY place we move to (that isn't some nasty whole-in-the-wall that rats wouldn't even live in) would be a rent increase.  So... here's hoping I find some super awesome job really soon so that the rent increase will seem less overwhelming and that we can find a place to live/keep our stuff while they renovate the house.  One small step for me, one giant step for... I'm not really sure who.  But someone has to be taking a giant step somewhere, right?

What a Start to the Weekend.

Tomorrow my mom comes to town.

Today a wild fire started outside of Boulder.  It is still going on.  And Scott is out on it.  With his fire department.  My thoughts and prayers are with all the people out there that they return home safely with the fire extinguished with minimal damage to people's properties.

And then this happened.

So apparently my roommate found my blog.

I have no idea how this happened.  Even when you google for this it doesn't pop up.  There is a very select number of people I have given the URL to.  (Other than ICLW but I don't think she would be a part of that)
**Correction, I just found that my website has been found via google.  The keyword searches that found me were:
"extreme phobia of horseback riding panic attack" and "nerd family tree".
But if you google "Kira surrogacy blog", nada. I officially don't understand how search engines work**

Naturally she was upset about some of the things I have written.  There are two sides to every story.  But this is my side.  It's my perception of events, interactions and motives.  And ultimately, my living situation is not the main focus of this blog.

She asked that I no longer talk about her.  But I have to wonder, does she talk about our situation, about me, to her friends and family?  I would assume so.  And I don't ask her not to.  She has to reach out to her support system.  But so do I.

So on to what this blog IS about.  I absolutely support Scott in his firefighting.  But... well, the timing kinda sucks.  We have to ICI Rachel this weekend.  Kinda hard to do when he is in Boulder all bunkered up.  Worse case scenario?  We spare using the OPK and try again in April.  I realize that's not the end of the world... but... I've waited so long.  It probably should feel like nothing compared to the time that has already been spent but right now I just feel like a little kid who was promised a toy and has now been told I need to do more chores in order to get it.  *stamps foot* I want it noooooooooooooow!

I'll keep you posted on the state of the fire and the intended ICI.

On the upside Scott was as excited to go out on the fire as a little kid getting to open his Christmas presents 6 months early.  I love seeing him so exuberant and excited.  :)

Making My Stand

I have been thinking about what will happen if Rachel ends up with an absolute BFN.  Like I've said before, I like my plans, my ducks-in-a-row.  I lay awake at night thinking about all the possible outcomes and what my plans are for each of them.  So now, I must get it out and stop the insomnia.

Don't get me wrong, if we aren't pregnant, we will try again.  (Assuming Rachel wants to of course)  And I don't hold Rachel "responsible", I truly hope she wont feel guilt or any negativity.  She is doing all anyone can ask, and more!

But here is where it gets.... sticky.  If you read the "Faith" post from February, you already know that our new church, the Orthodox Church, does not agree with surrogacy.  As we are only just still Catechumens, we are not held to the same standards as a regular Chrismated member.  And when we sat down with our priest, he basically stated that since we had already done the ICI he didn't want us to feel bad or regret the decision and that if a baby was conceived it would be welcomed and loved.  But he also said that now that we did know, if Rachel didn't conceive that we would all sit down and talk before moving forward with another try.

I don't want my dreams of a family to come between me and my faith.  Up until this point I haven't had a single issue with the theology in the Orthodox Church.  I can't imagine going back to a Protestant church now.  But... I can't even tell you how much I do NOT want to sit down and have a theological debate with my priest.  Because at the end of the day, he has to side with his Church.  I get that.  I don't look down on him for that.  The classic country song says it "You've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything".  But what do you do when the thing you stand for is at opposition to something so vital to you?

It's tough because I know we will move forward with trying again.  Doing closer charting and an ovulation predictor kit.  I feel that this is the right choice for us.  And I feel like I have theological reasons and backing.

I've never been good at the "blindly following".  Or maybe it is because I am a knee-jerk-blindly-follower, innocently gullible person... My mom was always worried I would perhaps get sucked into some cool-aid drinking cult, and so really impressed upon me to question, and learn.  So while some might say that if Orthodoxy is my future, that I should just listen to the good Priest and be a good girl and all that.  But I can't.  For better or worse it is who I am.  Fighting off my gullibility.  Some say I am overly liberal, stubborn, obstinate, rebellious.  I don't mean to be, I'm just following my heart.

On a completely separate topic, I am down 6.5 pounds, WOO HOO go Paleo!  However, today I got hit really hard with cravings for junk food.  And I was hanging out at my friend T's house, where we made double-chocolate-guinness-brownies last week and there were some still left... We made a healthy dinner of chicken stir fry, had some nuts and dried fruit, but I couldn't make the craving go away.  Technically, I was full, but with my history of food addiction my craving for that brownie had nothing to do with fullness.  (I've eaten half a pie in a single sitting before... not something I'm proud of)  The me a year or two ago would have said "Screw it, I'm eating the brownie.  I've been so good the last couple of days, and one brownie isn't going to ruin everything".  But tonight, I CONCURRED!  I WON!  I did NOT eat the brownie.  I compromised and had some chai, which I know has milk so isn't Paleo in the strictest sense, but tea has to be better than the brownie...  I got my "warm sweet fix" and don't feel heavy with guilt, shame, and an extreme excess of calories.  I really can't tell you all what an accomplishment that was for me.  I know that if I can just get through two weeks most of my junk cravings should go away, and then when I do have a brownie it will be because I make an intentional choice instead of giving into a craving like some drug addict looking for a "fix".  (And for those who want to bash comparing a brownie craving to a drug addict, that is what food addiction IS people.  I've never done drugs, but when you talk to a psychologist they are comparable.  If anything, they say food addiction is worse because you can logically say "I will never do that drug again" whereas I cannot say "I will never eat again" because my body needs nourishment and food to survive.  The difference is instead of destroying my skin/hair/teeth, my addiction has made me a size 22.)  Anyway, didn't mean to go off on a rant.  I need to get some sleep now that I've finally gotten the thoughts that have been floating around my head out and onto paper the internet.  I have to get up at 4:30 to babysit my Godson tomorrow morning :)  Always fun!

Being an "Adult"... Mostly.

Wednesday I had my last left-overs from my Chinese food with Rachel on Monday.  It was also my last fast food/junk food day.  Yesterday I got up and had eggs for breakfast.  I actually cooked my meals.  And took my dogs for a walk.  Something clicked like "Ok, Rachel's going to get pregnant which means I need to get my s**t together and start to get healthier, drop some weight, and stop wasting money on eating out."  I know that we can't guarantee Rachel will get pregnant this time around, but it just finally felt "real". We are gonna do this, bitches!

Today, I'm going to clean.  Ya, I've ignored the dog hair and extraneous dishes long enough.  I know it's not like the place has to be baby proofed tomorrow, but I am an adult.  And an Intended Parent.  Time to start acting like one.  (Plus Scott said he would feel like a better intended parent if the place was clean.  Stressed-Scott is no fun, so if for no other reason I'll do it.) But I want it to be clean too.  I hide out in my bedroom to avoid my roommate, but I can't let the place fall apart just because I'm in a tense living situation. (Which will be over in 5 months! YAY!)

Scott was so cute last night after he chilled out a little.  He kept poking me and saying "I wants a baby" and "If this works, we're going to have a baby" in his sleepy voice.  Melts my heart y'all.  Of course he had to be a smart-ass and add "You did warn Rachel that if this baby isn't a boy, Rachel has to keep it?"  He can't stay serious for too long.  I better warn Rachel that he's sassy.

I am so incredibly excited for tonight, I can't even tell you! I feel like I slammed 10 coffees and I haven't had ANY. All jittery and can't sit still, I think it's gonna work people!  Not enough exclamation points in the world for me to communicate my excitement!!! EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Or as my thesaurus suggests:

anxious, avid, breathless, eager, enthusiastic, expectant, impatient, in suspense, on tenterhooks

Ok, I should stop putting off beginning my cleaning.  It's not going to be fun but I'm excited to see Scott's face when he comes home tonight.  I think today I will tackle the living room...