This is for all the folks here for ICLW this month (and anyone needing a general overview) Sorry for the length, but when shortened it to a bullet-point-format I felt like you lost a sense of me.
My name is Kira. I am 26, married to a fabulous husband who is 27. I'm a Pisces and while I don't really believe astrology, it kind of fits me perfectly. People pleaser, loves the water, sensitive yada yada yada. I have a soft spot for hot shoes (designer knock-offs usually since I can't afford Stuart Weitzman all the time) and cute jewelery (think Claire's) I love horseback riding, singing and my three pembroke welsh corgis. I grew up outside of Seattle and moved to Colorado for college, got married and haven't been able to leave (yet).
I was married back On October 7th, 2007 to my "Teddybear", Scott :) We were young by today's standards (Me 22, he 23) although at that point we had been together for 4 years.
In August 2009 we decided to start TTC. (For all those doctors blaming women for waiting to long to start a family, I tried starting young and it hasn't gotten me anywhere) I gave away my horse so we could focus financially on preparing for a family. 6 months of charting showed no change in temperature, and my OBGYN refused to refer me to a specialist until we had tried for a year. I decided to get a second opinions and went to specialist anyway. They looked at my charts, ran a LOT of bloodwork, and vaginal ultrasounds (Gooooood morning!) and determined I was not ovulating. They started 100mg of Clomid... without a change.
They added an hCg injection to induce ovulation for the June/July cycle of 2010 and for the first time, we got pregnant. We shouted it from the rooftops, announced on facebook and called up the grandparents-to-be. However, within the week we found out the the hormones weren't doubling, and were told (after two vaginal ultrasounds) that we were going to lose the pregnancy. My doctor decided not to schedule a D&C and instead wait for nature to take its course. While probably wise medical advice, it was hard to sit and wait for bleeding to start.
(Equally hard was the lack of support found in Scott's parents who were "relieved" because they don't support us starting a family... but that's been vented in other posts)
I was finishing up my degree in Veterinary Technology at the time, doing rounds at the local veterinary teaching hospital. I took a week off to lie in bed crying and avoid interacting with people when we got the diagnosis, then returned determined to just focus on finishing and graduating.
I also decided (overnight) to move to my home state of Washington. I lined up a job and a place to live when I finished school in August, and in September 2010 I packed up my three dogs and drove halfway across the country to my fresh start. This fresh start wasn't all it was cracked up to be, Scott was stuck in Colorado trying to sublease our house, and the job I got wasn't the best fit. By mid October, exactly 1 month after getting there, my job was done. I took a week, moved in with my mom to regroup. Applied to a job back in Colorado and got the interview. Loaded up my car again (with three dogs!) and drove back again and got the job!
I guess the good news is I still had a house to come back to, and had a place to unload. Of course as awesome as the job was, it was just a temporary position and ended in February 2011 and I have not been able to find another job since.
After moving back in Mid-October 2010 I reconnected with some great friends, one of them being Elizabeth who introduced me to her new roommate Rachel. Over lunch at Panera one day Rachel and I got to talking about my infertility. She asked me if Scott and I had ever considered surrogacy. At that point Scott and I had had two friends offer to be surrogates, but both times it had been off-the-cuff and there is a lot to consider. So I told Rachel yes, but not really. Then she told me that she had been wanting to be a surrogate, had put a lot of thought into it, and offered to be one for Scott and I. I went home that night and talked about it with Scott. I googled. (My search results were unhelpful to be perfectly honest) I prayed. A lot.
The whole way, faith has played a big role in our desires to be parents. And it continues to be. But no amount of prayers or tears has given me some kind of direct memo from God so I continue to try my best to discern His plan for our life. We are currently catecumins in the Eastern Orthodox Church (meaning we are learning about the faith and what it means to be a member)
And yes, we have considered adoption. But there is a lot to consider, and a lot of requirements, some of which Scott and I would not meet per the State of Colorado and/or local adoption agencies. So for us, at this time, adoption wasn't right. But I applaud all those who bravely go down that path and perhaps one day we will too.
After I had moved back in October we did pick up TTC, doing Clomid and hCg injections without success. My doctor finally scheduled an HSG... that showed nothing. I was really disappointed, if we couldn't find out what is wrong, we couldn't fix it.
So back to Rachel. There was much discussion, and of course the contract, but we officially began attempting a Traditional Surrogacy in February of 2011. We chose Traditional Surrogacy (where it is Scott's sperm and Rachel's egg) over Gestational Surrogacy (IVF of embryo[s] formed via my egg and Scott's sperm) because we were not comfortable with the ethical dilemmas associated with IVF (What to do with extra embryos) and honestly, because of the cost associated with IVF. We aren't rich, and frankly I don't think you need to be super-wealthy to be a good parent, but the fact is IVF is very expensive. (I don't judge people who pursue IVF, it just wasn't right for us)
February's attempt to impregnate (I hate that word but I'm not sure what word to use in its place) Rachel didn't take, and March ended up being a wash because Scott was out of town for work and was not in town to deposit his "sample" when Rachel was ovulating. (I should mention that we could not find a doctor in our town willing to work with a surrogate so until we find a doctor to perform an IUI we are doing ICI at home, also referd to as the "turkey baster" method)
I cannot describe how crazy it is that we met Rachel when we did, that Rachel and I would connect like we did. I very rarely make such statements, but I believe God brought us together.
And this blog, is about our path into surrogacy. You can check out Rachel's blog by clicking the link on the right side of the page. She is super awesome, amazing, intelligent, witty... I could go on and on but you'll have to check it out for yourself. :)
And on a final note, I am working to lose weight. My whole life I have struggled with my weight, and an eating disorder of food addiction. In late February of 2011 I realized I had hit 250 pounds wearing a size 20 pant, and was scared sh*tless. My dad and his whole side of the family has struggled with weight and I have seen the long-term side effects of cancer, heart disease etc and I do NOT want that to be me. So I am trying my darnedest to be Paleo (a diet based on anthropological study of what people naturally eat as hunter/gatherers) and trying to increase my exercise. I have dropped one pant size (Yay!) and am determined to get down to single-digit-pants! (Although that is a long term goal, one that may not be reached for a year)
So read, comment, and please let me know if there is anything you want to know, or if I should change anything about my blog to make it more reader friendly :)
Showing posts with label Not-So-Ancient History. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Not-So-Ancient History. Show all posts
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The Controversy of Family
It came up yesterday from a friend, an inquiry. Why don't I post updates on my Facebook page?
Most of my family is supportive and even excited. One person has remained skeptical. A combination of not be able to comprehend our infertility. "We have strong genes! We've never had infertility in the family!" ( I don't even know what strong genes is supposed to mean) and a fear that Rachel will change her mind and we will be one more face on the news about the hoodwinking of surrogacy. However, this person is slowly coming around as they ask questions. LOTS of questions. And hopefully will be fully on board once they meet Rachel. I am lucky. To have family and friends that support me, see Scott and I as competent adults able to make a decision.
Unfortunately, Scott is not as lucky. Most of his family would be supportive. His mother was adopted for petes sake!. But his parents? Well... lets just say they were relieved when we miscarried. To a certain extent, no matter what our income or living situation, they will never think we are "_______ enough to have a baby". They will not understand or support our surrogacy. In fact, I anticipate some real anger and bitterness.
I am friends with Scott's sister on facebook. I imagine she will be very supportive of our decision... but as she lives in the same town as Scotts parents I also imagine it could easily come up in conversation. Scott feels it is better in this circumstance to wait until after we have passed the 12 weeks to tell his parents. As such, my facebook posts have to be... discrete.
Some blogs I have read would say (Or seem to say) that this is wrong. That I should be at the forefront of educating. But I know that in this situation it is not that Scotts parents would take issue if one of their friends pursued surrogacy. It is the fact that WE are pursuing surrogacy that they will take issue with. Lets face it, every family is different. I am trying to respect the dynamic between Scott and his parents. Especially as they live in another state and we see them a handful of times a year, it makes changing family dynamics difficult if not impossible if the people are not open to the change. What really upsets me, is that they are going to miss out. It makes me sad to think that they will miss one-third of the pregnancy of their grandchild. Quite possibly, a lot more than just that.
Thinking of his parents relief made me think of all the things people said in response to our miscarriage. Most... were not helpful. Some, was downright hurtful. I think the hardest thing was the people who said "Oh, something must have been wrong with it. It must have not been meant to be." Perhaps if I was a super-scientific person that would be helpful. The embrio had implanted very low in my uterus, almost on my cervix and the pregnancy probably would have been filled with complications from this. A very high likelihood of a placental privia. But as I am someone who believes in God, those statements are really hurtful. Like God somehow doesn't love people who have a birth defect? And if it wasn't meant to be, why allow it in the first place? My roommate was the queen of such offhand and stabbing comments. I know her intentions were there... but the thought wasn't. She still holds a grudge on me for my move to Washington. Like any of that was about her. Like that didn't put a HUGE strain on my marriage? Sometimes when I get hit with the emotion of it, I picture myself back in the northwest, on a ferry looking out and seeing the water and the trees. It helps me to take a deep breath. If the baby I had miscarried had not miscarried, we would be looking forward to it's birth in this March. As my birthday is also in March, I remember when we got the due date thinking "I hope I still get to celebrate my birthday and people don't make corny comments about the baby being my birthday present"
I was so foolish to think that we would actually make it there.
The best thing anyone ever said me? "I think God's sad too. I don't think He desires things like this to happen. But part of our fallen nature is sickness, disease, mortality. I think God is crying too." For me, that said my emotions were ok. And it didn't try to place blame on anything.
Infertility is a strange thing. Most of our lives, especially in this american culture, we are told that if you want something bad enough, and work hard enough, where there's a will there's a way. But no amount of me wishing, or trying to force my body to do things by medication or the power of thought actually got me anywhere. My ovaries, and uterus, are not a part of my body I can control as I would my hands or feet. I can't think "ok, ovary, drop that egg into the fallopian tube!" ...well I could, but it wont accomplish anything like if I thought "hand, drop the clothes into the laundry machine"
I have struggled my whole life with my weight. I still vividly remember my mom telling me I was fat in 5th grade. I look at childhood pictures and really, I don't think I was fat, but I wasn't slim. I inherited my dad's side, the hefty Swedish side. My whole life has been about trying to make my body do things it just wont do. My whole life I have been in a body that didn't work. Like somewhere deep inside is the real me, with my real body that does what I want it to do, that isn't overweight and if I could just find the zipper so I could get out of this charade of a body, then people would see me for who I really am.
I know it is all too common for infertiles to feel defeated, at war with their body, betrayed by their body... for me infertility felt (and still does feel) like one more drop in the bucket of a crap body. So maybe it is a good thing I wont be passing on my genetics. I wont be passing on a part of my broken and rebellious body.
I still don't know what "strong genes" means.
Most of my family is supportive and even excited. One person has remained skeptical. A combination of not be able to comprehend our infertility. "We have strong genes! We've never had infertility in the family!" ( I don't even know what strong genes is supposed to mean) and a fear that Rachel will change her mind and we will be one more face on the news about the hoodwinking of surrogacy. However, this person is slowly coming around as they ask questions. LOTS of questions. And hopefully will be fully on board once they meet Rachel. I am lucky. To have family and friends that support me, see Scott and I as competent adults able to make a decision.
Unfortunately, Scott is not as lucky. Most of his family would be supportive. His mother was adopted for petes sake!. But his parents? Well... lets just say they were relieved when we miscarried. To a certain extent, no matter what our income or living situation, they will never think we are "_______ enough to have a baby". They will not understand or support our surrogacy. In fact, I anticipate some real anger and bitterness.
I am friends with Scott's sister on facebook. I imagine she will be very supportive of our decision... but as she lives in the same town as Scotts parents I also imagine it could easily come up in conversation. Scott feels it is better in this circumstance to wait until after we have passed the 12 weeks to tell his parents. As such, my facebook posts have to be... discrete.
Some blogs I have read would say (Or seem to say) that this is wrong. That I should be at the forefront of educating. But I know that in this situation it is not that Scotts parents would take issue if one of their friends pursued surrogacy. It is the fact that WE are pursuing surrogacy that they will take issue with. Lets face it, every family is different. I am trying to respect the dynamic between Scott and his parents. Especially as they live in another state and we see them a handful of times a year, it makes changing family dynamics difficult if not impossible if the people are not open to the change. What really upsets me, is that they are going to miss out. It makes me sad to think that they will miss one-third of the pregnancy of their grandchild. Quite possibly, a lot more than just that.
Thinking of his parents relief made me think of all the things people said in response to our miscarriage. Most... were not helpful. Some, was downright hurtful. I think the hardest thing was the people who said "Oh, something must have been wrong with it. It must have not been meant to be." Perhaps if I was a super-scientific person that would be helpful. The embrio had implanted very low in my uterus, almost on my cervix and the pregnancy probably would have been filled with complications from this. A very high likelihood of a placental privia. But as I am someone who believes in God, those statements are really hurtful. Like God somehow doesn't love people who have a birth defect? And if it wasn't meant to be, why allow it in the first place? My roommate was the queen of such offhand and stabbing comments. I know her intentions were there... but the thought wasn't. She still holds a grudge on me for my move to Washington. Like any of that was about her. Like that didn't put a HUGE strain on my marriage? Sometimes when I get hit with the emotion of it, I picture myself back in the northwest, on a ferry looking out and seeing the water and the trees. It helps me to take a deep breath. If the baby I had miscarried had not miscarried, we would be looking forward to it's birth in this March. As my birthday is also in March, I remember when we got the due date thinking "I hope I still get to celebrate my birthday and people don't make corny comments about the baby being my birthday present"
I was so foolish to think that we would actually make it there.
The best thing anyone ever said me? "I think God's sad too. I don't think He desires things like this to happen. But part of our fallen nature is sickness, disease, mortality. I think God is crying too." For me, that said my emotions were ok. And it didn't try to place blame on anything.
Infertility is a strange thing. Most of our lives, especially in this american culture, we are told that if you want something bad enough, and work hard enough, where there's a will there's a way. But no amount of me wishing, or trying to force my body to do things by medication or the power of thought actually got me anywhere. My ovaries, and uterus, are not a part of my body I can control as I would my hands or feet. I can't think "ok, ovary, drop that egg into the fallopian tube!" ...well I could, but it wont accomplish anything like if I thought "hand, drop the clothes into the laundry machine"
I have struggled my whole life with my weight. I still vividly remember my mom telling me I was fat in 5th grade. I look at childhood pictures and really, I don't think I was fat, but I wasn't slim. I inherited my dad's side, the hefty Swedish side. My whole life has been about trying to make my body do things it just wont do. My whole life I have been in a body that didn't work. Like somewhere deep inside is the real me, with my real body that does what I want it to do, that isn't overweight and if I could just find the zipper so I could get out of this charade of a body, then people would see me for who I really am.
I know it is all too common for infertiles to feel defeated, at war with their body, betrayed by their body... for me infertility felt (and still does feel) like one more drop in the bucket of a crap body. So maybe it is a good thing I wont be passing on my genetics. I wont be passing on a part of my broken and rebellious body.
I still don't know what "strong genes" means.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Women's intuition
I would like to post something I wrote to a friend a little while back. I feel like it sums up some feelings nicely. This was prior to my latest diagnostic exam which was an HSG, or Hysterosalpingogram. The test that produced "nothing wrong" that solidified my desire to move forward with surrogacy.
February 6 at 3:15pm
February 6 at 3:15pm
Gut feeling? Intuition? Who knows?
Way back in the land of our early marriage, when the conversation of future kids would come up, I would always joke "Well, we'll see. Who knows if we will have trouble having kids?" And they would reply "Oh, I'm sure you'll be just fine. You'll have kids with no trouble!" but in my heart, I just KNEW, it wasn't going to be easy. Of course I was hopeful when we began starting, but there was a part of me that was not at all surprised to find myself calling up Dr.B at the fertility clinic to make an appointment.
In July when I got pregnant, I remember CRYING to my mom, because I just felt like.... like I KNEW that we would miscarry. She assured me the pregnancy would be normal and I just needed to not stress. And then we did miscarry.
And now... I just FEEL like ... I'm not going to get pregnant. We are going to use a surrogate. And/or adopt. I'm going to hope I'm wrong, but... I don't know if it's intuition or what....
I'm kinda of sad, but I also feel like I want these tests done and over with so we can just move on with using a surrogate and stop wasting time, emotion and money.
And that's where I'm at today.
Way back in the land of our early marriage, when the conversation of future kids would come up, I would always joke "Well, we'll see. Who knows if we will have trouble having kids?" And they would reply "Oh, I'm sure you'll be just fine. You'll have kids with no trouble!" but in my heart, I just KNEW, it wasn't going to be easy. Of course I was hopeful when we began starting, but there was a part of me that was not at all surprised to find myself calling up Dr.B at the fertility clinic to make an appointment.
In July when I got pregnant, I remember CRYING to my mom, because I just felt like.... like I KNEW that we would miscarry. She assured me the pregnancy would be normal and I just needed to not stress. And then we did miscarry.
And now... I just FEEL like ... I'm not going to get pregnant. We are going to use a surrogate. And/or adopt. I'm going to hope I'm wrong, but... I don't know if it's intuition or what....
I'm kinda of sad, but I also feel like I want these tests done and over with so we can just move on with using a surrogate and stop wasting time, emotion and money.
And that's where I'm at today.
I cannot even express how excited and thrilled I am about our decision to pursue surrogacy. I feel that it was serendipitous that I met Rachel when I did. She has such a moving story of her own fertility... it was an instant bond. When I said in my previous entry that I didn't handle my miscarriage well, I really mean it.
I held myself together just long enough to finish my degree in August, and then decided overnight to move to my home state of Washington. My husband could not immediately follow me, so I moved myself and my three dogs across 6 states (Colorado, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon into Washington). Got a job, rented a house, totally started over.
While there were some great high points (being back in my native state, being close to family and childhood friends) it also had some terrible low points, most intensely the time when I would get home at the end of the day and having to call my husband in order to talk to him. Having a job, a place to be, things to do, saved my sanity. The job did not end up being a good match, so after exactly one month on the job I was done working for them. I had the most understanding homeowner who let me out of my lease. I moved in with my mom for 2 weeks to try to figure out my next move.
Randomly, the dean of the department I had graduated from just happened to send out a mass email to my graduated class with 2 job listings back in Colorado... and on a whim I applied. And got an interview! I loaded up my Ford Focus wagon once again with clothes and dogs and drove back, getting in very late the night before my interview. The job, while a temporary job, was for a dream company and I got it.
It was not long after my return to Colorado that I met Rachel. And the rest is history... or our future to be more exact.
Monday, February 14, 2011
A little background... OK, a long background
Here is a little back story for everyone's enjoyment.
My name is Kira, and I have been married to my husband Scott for over 3 years at this point. We have no children, but do have 3 dogs, all Pembroke Welsh Corgis. The oldest Radar is 12, Glen is 4, and Emma is 3.
A year and a half ago, we decided to start trying to get pregnant. I read the books, charted my cycles, and waited for conception to happen. After 6 months of charting, I noticed that my basal body temperature did not have the appropriate temperature fluctuations, and went to see my OBGYN. She would not refer me to a specialist until we had been trying for a year. I decided I didn't want to waste another 6 months, and so called up the local fertility clinic. After numerous blood draws, and looking at my 6 months of charting, they decided that I don't ovulate naturally. Clomid and HCG injections to the rescue! In July of 2010 we got pregnant, but quickly miscarried. To say that was a difficult time would be an understatement. After grieving and healing, we began to try again, without success. My doctor decided to run more diagnostics, but couldn't find a reason for our inability to conceive. Scott and I felt that if we couldn't find the problem, we couldn't fix it, and instead of continuing to put money into expensive and invasive diagnostics, or medications, we decided to pursue using a surrogate.
I met Rachel a couple months back through a mutual friend. We really clicked, and began hanging out. During my fertility journey I have had many options put before me. Adoption. IVF. Surrogacy. I was blessed to have a number of friends offer to be surrogates, but Scott and I didn't feel that it would be a good match... Until a fateful lunch I had with Rachel. She was the third friend to offer... but the first who had really put a lot of thought into what that meant, what it entailed. We had a good conversation talking about generalities of surrogacy, and the conversation stayed in my mind.
When I got the news the doctor couldn't find anything wrong, I was disappointed. I had hoped they would find some small problem that could be easily fixed and we could move forward with making a family. But when I considered the possibility of Rachel being our surrogate I felt... Excited. Optimistic. In a way I haven't felt since that very beginning when I was charting my cycles and making all kinds of graphs. I know I'm going to miss out on some wonderful things. Feeling the baby kick for the first time, feeling life inside of me. But the most important thing, a beautiful little baby, is such an amazing thing. For me it is about Scott and I being a family. My heart warms every time I think of it.
We decided to pursue a Traditional Surrogacy for a number of reasons. We are Orthodox Christians, and believe that life begins at conception. So for us, the use of IVF wasn't on the table. With many IVF cycles producing 5-10 embryos we couldn't possibly ask anyone to try inserting all of them, and we can't leave them frozen or dispose of them. Scott and I have seriously considered adoption, so I know without a doubt that I can love a child regardless of biology and DNA.
This may not be a traditional family, but it is going to be a wonderful one!
Rachel and I sat down tonight to begin outlining our contract (did I mention she does Family Law? Irony!) and with each issue and point, I was excited to find us both on such similar pages. Scott unfortunately was out of town for work, so he's getting an email of everything, but if we can get all the details figured out this week we will be looking at an ICI this weekend!
With Scott out of town, and Rachel's boyfriend also out of town, we were each others Valentines. Chocolate covered strawberries and Chinese food along with the movie "Crazy Heart" sounds like a great evening to me!
I'm giddy with excitement!!!!
My name is Kira, and I have been married to my husband Scott for over 3 years at this point. We have no children, but do have 3 dogs, all Pembroke Welsh Corgis. The oldest Radar is 12, Glen is 4, and Emma is 3.
A year and a half ago, we decided to start trying to get pregnant. I read the books, charted my cycles, and waited for conception to happen. After 6 months of charting, I noticed that my basal body temperature did not have the appropriate temperature fluctuations, and went to see my OBGYN. She would not refer me to a specialist until we had been trying for a year. I decided I didn't want to waste another 6 months, and so called up the local fertility clinic. After numerous blood draws, and looking at my 6 months of charting, they decided that I don't ovulate naturally. Clomid and HCG injections to the rescue! In July of 2010 we got pregnant, but quickly miscarried. To say that was a difficult time would be an understatement. After grieving and healing, we began to try again, without success. My doctor decided to run more diagnostics, but couldn't find a reason for our inability to conceive. Scott and I felt that if we couldn't find the problem, we couldn't fix it, and instead of continuing to put money into expensive and invasive diagnostics, or medications, we decided to pursue using a surrogate.
I met Rachel a couple months back through a mutual friend. We really clicked, and began hanging out. During my fertility journey I have had many options put before me. Adoption. IVF. Surrogacy. I was blessed to have a number of friends offer to be surrogates, but Scott and I didn't feel that it would be a good match... Until a fateful lunch I had with Rachel. She was the third friend to offer... but the first who had really put a lot of thought into what that meant, what it entailed. We had a good conversation talking about generalities of surrogacy, and the conversation stayed in my mind.
When I got the news the doctor couldn't find anything wrong, I was disappointed. I had hoped they would find some small problem that could be easily fixed and we could move forward with making a family. But when I considered the possibility of Rachel being our surrogate I felt... Excited. Optimistic. In a way I haven't felt since that very beginning when I was charting my cycles and making all kinds of graphs. I know I'm going to miss out on some wonderful things. Feeling the baby kick for the first time, feeling life inside of me. But the most important thing, a beautiful little baby, is such an amazing thing. For me it is about Scott and I being a family. My heart warms every time I think of it.
We decided to pursue a Traditional Surrogacy for a number of reasons. We are Orthodox Christians, and believe that life begins at conception. So for us, the use of IVF wasn't on the table. With many IVF cycles producing 5-10 embryos we couldn't possibly ask anyone to try inserting all of them, and we can't leave them frozen or dispose of them. Scott and I have seriously considered adoption, so I know without a doubt that I can love a child regardless of biology and DNA.
This may not be a traditional family, but it is going to be a wonderful one!
Rachel and I sat down tonight to begin outlining our contract (did I mention she does Family Law? Irony!) and with each issue and point, I was excited to find us both on such similar pages. Scott unfortunately was out of town for work, so he's getting an email of everything, but if we can get all the details figured out this week we will be looking at an ICI this weekend!
With Scott out of town, and Rachel's boyfriend also out of town, we were each others Valentines. Chocolate covered strawberries and Chinese food along with the movie "Crazy Heart" sounds like a great evening to me!
I'm giddy with excitement!!!!
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