A Night's Good Sleep

I'm a lot saner today.  A good night's sleep helped me to wake up, go to work, and have a little perspective. 

I don't know what it was about my SIL's pregnancy, but for some reason it just seemed like my infertility got shoved in my face in a way I haven't felt since my miscarriage.  I don't know why, but today I feel back to normal.  Call it stress from all the business of my life for my overreaction yesterday?  Now I just feel really bad, really guilty, that I upset A.

Work seems to be going ok.  Although I was told today that I would never have a "regular" schedule, that it all depends on what our appointment calendar looks like and if I need time off I should make the appointment and then just put in a request for time off.  On one hand, I understand.  It's a small clinic that cannot afford to just pay employees to stand around when there is no income being made via appointments.  But at the same time... I've known clinics that can still set up a schedule. And so I have to accept the fact that I can never schedule anything in my life, ever, when the clinic is open?  The only way I can schedule something is late at night or on Sundays when I know the clinic is closed?  Scott thinks I need to keep sending out resumes, and I'm sure he is right but... I really hate the idea of looking for work someplace else.  I dunno.  Guess I'll see how the rest of this week plays out, and try to talk with the vet to clarify/confirm that this no-schedule thing is true (since I heard it from a coworker) and go from there.

And now I'm going to go have some quality cuddle time with my puppy Glen. And try to figure out what to make for dinner.

What. A. Long. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Couple of things to talk about today guys. 

1-GO over and check out http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/04/open-letter-to-peta.html Seriously guys.  I love animals.  I work to make their lives humane, comfortable and understood.  PETA has a long standing history of extremism, when their attempts to help often make things worse.  (Like the time they broke into a research facility and released a bunch of armadillos with leprosy into the wild... where they then infected the wild armadillo population... Good thinkin' there guys.)  Anyway, so now "In honor of Infertility Awareness" they are offering a free vasectomy to one lucky guy for neutering his pet. PETA is basing this on the idea that humans are overpopulating the planet and there isn't room for all the animals euthanized in shelters everywhere.  Ok.... I have two thoughts here. First, there is a lot of academics who argue that overpopulation is due to medical improvements allowing people to live longer, and that birthrates are actually in decline, so eventually we will slowly decrease the human population.  And secondly, less people means less homes to put those unwanted pets in.

Moving on...
2-Work is going well.  I worked 7 1/2 hours straight today.  Long shift I was pooped when I finally got off.  But I'm finding more of a rhythm.  Still coming across nuances they want done differently but I think that overall we are fitting together.  I don't think they are having to repeat themselves to me much at all.  The biggest pain is that while they are training me, I never know what my shift will be from day to day, it all depends on what the schedule looks like.  I'm hoping they don't drag this out too long... I don't mind working, but I like knowing when I can plan things. 

And this moves into my next train of thought...
3-We are officially moving forward with pursuing our own pregnancy.  Rachel emailed me officially stepping down from surrogacy and I absolutely respect her feelings.  And honestly, I'm starting to think Scott and I are ready too try, that maybe meeting her was the chance we desperately needed to take a break.  So as soon as I get a regular schedule I'll be calling back Dr.B to schedule my Lap. 

However...
4-What do I do with this blog?  I don't want to lose the wonderful support I have found on here.  But the title, url address, and description are all focused towards our try at surrogacy.  Do I start a new blog, with a link from this blog to my new blog?  Do I just rename it and change my description and live with the url?

And Finally:  A really big giant HUGE thank you for the advice and support from everyone on talking with Scott about sex.  We did discuss it a little this afternoon.  And we agreed it may be good to talk more, and maybe even talk with a counselor.  That's another one of those things that hinges on me having a regular schedule...

Ok, really, the last thing: MommyOdyssey has been having problems commenting on my page.  If you find yourself having a hard time posting, I would love it if you would send me a message to let me know.  Who knows, maybe this is my chance to move over to WordPress? (I like that they can reply to specific comments)

I'm too lazy to come up with a witty title.

Today was the start of the first week of April.  It was the first day of my next cycle.  And it was the first day of my new job!

I felt like I was moving around like I was in molasses or something, everything was just so slooooow.  Well, not everything, just me.  All awkward in a new position and trying to figure out how they want me to do things, how they want me to prioritize tasks etc.  (Although it was slow in the sense that there were no appointments, although I think that was intentional so I could get my footing in figuring out their computer system, filing system etc.)  There was was one moment of panic when I went to call in a prescription order to the CSU pharmacy and started reading from the wrong chart and Dr.A was like "No, read the chart!" and pointed to the correct one.  And another panic moment when someone called to make an appointment and since I hadn't been trained on how to do that, and the other technician was on lunch, Dr.A had to do it.  But now I know how to place pharmacy orders and make appointments!  They said that tomorrow will be really slow, only two appointments so far, so that they wont need me until Wednesday because they want me to get a feel fora regular busy day.  (I'm sure also they are looking at those two appointments and thinking that it's not working paying me to stand around all day for whatever income they make on those two appointments.)  However, by the end of the day we all seemed to be getting along really well, and Dr.A started talking about her bad roommate situation and I mentioned my bad roommate situation and we had a nice little bonding moment.

I would probably type some more but Scott just got home and I haven't seen him all weekend and we are gonna chat and chat up on each others lives so we aren't strangers sharing a bed ;)

As the Weekend Draws to a Close

What a crazy weekend.  I'm exhausted, it is 7pm and I'm laying in bed.  Going to type up this post, do a little reading ("Definitely Dead" - a Sookie Stackhouse novel by Charlain Harris for those who care) and go to sleep!  Friday night Scott went and fought fire for over 14 hours.  He came home Saturday and slept all day.  And probably would have slept all night except the fire flared back up and he got called out at midnight.  However, we had screaming winds and it was decided it was too dangerous and he was sent home at 3, but then got up at 5 and went back out on the fire this morning when the winds had died down... and I still have yet to hear from him today.  I know I wasn't the one on the fire, hiking around in the dark, but there is some serious loss of sleep when I know he is out there.  Logic tells me that I do know what i would do if something happened... but emotionally, I don't know what I would do if I lost him.

Ugh, I don't even want to think about it.

Moving on. 

Tomorrow afternoon I go in for my first training shift!  I've got my scrubs picked out, and took my shower tonight in case they call me in early (they said it was a remote possibility if they got slammed with emergencies or something) and I'm as ready as I'm going to be.

The weather has been a little crazy, it rained early this morning and has been overcast almost the entire day, and even did a little snowing this afternoon.  The rain was fabulous, the misting drizzle I grew up with.  I may be imagining things, but it seemed like the green buds on trees and new grass really popped today.  Don't get me wrong, still plenty of dead-yellow grass and bare trees, but the rain seemed to invigorate the plants or something.  More likely it just invigorated me.  I know, I know, I must be crazy.  All my Colorado friends are complaining like one day of overcast weather is equivalent to the apocalypse, but I luv it.  (And I mean seriously, ONE DAY?  Do you really want it to be sunny EVERY day?  If so, you need to move to Africa or something along the equator, because that is just a ridiculous expectation.  And it makes me want to drag them all to Seattle and see what they would do if they had overcast weather for a week, let along 9 months HAHA!  Just get a little perspective people...)

Rachel is out of town and I misses heeeeer!  I hope she is have a great time with her boyfriend and her family, but I keep thinking "I should call Rachel and see if she wants to go grab tea or something... oh, wait, she's not here" and then I make an epic pouty face that nobody but my dogs is around to appreciate.

Alrighty folks, I'm sleepy.  I've got my book (we, Nook technically) and my dogs and a comfy bed and some scented candles. And half of a sleeping pill to battle my insomnia that I took at the beginning of typing that seems to having an effect and calling me to wrap this up and get some shut-eye.  Hope all you out there in blogland have a good night and a great week full of warm fuzzy moments *BIG HUGS!!!*

Auspicious April

I texted my sister-in-law A that I had been offered the job.  She called me up all excited, but instantly recognized the less-than-enthusiastic tone in my voice.  I told her, "I need you to smack me upside the head" and she replied "I can do that."  She then proceeded to verbally smack me upside the head, but in this amazing way where I don't feel like crap afterward.  I know that this is more about my self confidence being shaken by the really bad job in Vancouver I took last fall.  And the only way to get it back is to face the problem.  So I emailed Dr.A back and accepted the job.  *lots of deep breaths going on over here*

Scott got home safely from a wildfire today.  They got paged out last night and he has been been out fighting it all night, clocked something like 14 hours.  I know this is going to sound morbid, but we love wild-fire season in our house.  It really helps to supplement Scott's paycheck.  And it's what he really wants to do.  I'm still surprised that firefighting is as competitive as it is.  He is heading out to Washington at the end of April to begin the interview process for Tacoma Fire so it would be an absolute dream come true if he got through this stage.

And then on one final, awesome note I got my Chocobuddy pairing today :D  :D  :D  WoopWoop! *doing a terrible 90's white-girl celebration dance*  I can't wait to go to the store and pick something out for her!!!

The sun in shining (big surprise here, I know, but I'm feeling the springtime-ness), took the dogs for a walk and they are happy, and I think April is going to be a good month.

I Should Be Excited... But I'm Not

I got the job offer.

I should jumping for joy.  Instead I have a pit in my stomach.  I am really worried that the vet and I are never going to click.  I hate the idea of dreading my job.

But am I feeling all nauseous just because I assume it will be bad?  Because it means I wont get to go to Washington at the end of April like I was looking forward to? Because it means no more sleeping in until noon, staying up until 2am, and hanging out with my friends whenever I want?  Because it means suddenly I have to be an adult? 

Or is my intuition trying to tell me something? You know, "Beware, rocks ahead!" ?

Or is this just my crippling-self-doubt rearing it's ugly head telling me I'm not good enough, not competent enough, not smart enough. Telling me this job is too difficult, to hard, so beyond my capacity that it is laughable that I even applied in the first place?

This offer came via an email.  So I'm guessing I get maybe 12 hours to respond?  Because she can't be sure of when I would read said email...

I should take it.  In my head, it is the logical decision.  This is technically a receptionist position that will allow me to slowly pick up hours as a technician.  It has been about 9 months since I last did all the tech-type-activities and admittedly am a little rusty so this gives me a chance to ease back into it.  And hey, it is money.  It is a job during a time when jobs are difficult to find.

So why am I not jumping up and down with excitement?

Plan B... ?

Feeling discouraged about the interview yesterday.  All gross and stressed out.  And to top it off, I thought I was being all super-mature paying bills early?  Well then we were busy and ate out a lot... and now we're over drawn.  Two steps forward and one step back.  *smacking forehead with the heals of my hands*

On the upside? Scott just just got notice that an application he submitted to a fire department out in Washington wants him to take the written test, the first step toward testing/interviewing for the department.  It's the last week of April.  Who knows, maybe that will work out and it wont matter that my interview sucked?  I've been wanting to get back to the northwest sooooo badly...  But if we do that, we have a very limited amount of months to get a pregnancy to stick with Rachel.  I'm feeling pressure either way. 

I really need to just stop trying to figure out my future.  Isn't the biggest lesson of infertility, of life, of faith, that we can not plan?  That we don't know if or when anything will ever happen?  And while I know all of that... old habits die hard.  I want a plan.  A back up plan.  Ducks in a row! Here duckie duckie duckies...

I know in a couple days we will know more.  Or we wont.  And all my plans and back up plans will have been a lot of wasted mental energy and emotions. I feel like at the very least, I'm doing something.  Because I have to do something.

Apparently that something is rambling.  Sorry guys.  I promise to try to write something better later.

What a Weird Day

Thanks for the great support everyone on yesterdays post.  I had my working interview today.  It was... weird.

I started out this morning but due to some special situation stuff with the clients that came in they didn't get to see me do some things (such as check in and take patient history, TPR etc)  I did attempt a blood draw, but that is one of those skills that you use it or lose it and it has been a while for me :(  So I didn't get any blood but overall it was fine.  There was a moment when Dr. A (making a joke in poor taste?) told a client to take her "screaming kid" out of the room (The cutest little 6 month old girl who was ever so slightly fussy.  I was really kind of shocked but the mom laughed so I'm trying to let it go...)

Anyway, so they asked me to come back tonight to do some of the things I didn't get a chance to this morning.  I thought it went alright, until we had to trim a dog's dewclaw nails (that's the "thumb" that is partway up the inside of the leg) and the dog FREAKED the F OUT.  And the vet seemed kind of exasperated but it wasn't clear if she was frustrated with my restraining methods, or the situation...  So that left me feeling worried.  But ended out the night ok, I felt like I got along great with the other technicians, and maybe the doc is just a difficult person to read (everything she says is with a straight face) and it will take time to learn her humor/body language?  Before I left I asked if there was anything else and she mentioned she wanted to get in touch with my references, particularly that it was important that one of them be a previous employer. So since my previous employer is known for being bad at returning phone calls I emailed Dr.A my previous employers email address since she is much better at returning emails.  And I added in another reference just in case of where I did my internship (which is kind of like a job.... right?)

So ya.  That was my day.  Now to go veg and let my mind mush a little but and watch ANTM.  I swear it's the only reality TV I watch.  Promise.  I just like the artsy photo shoots!

Banging My Head on the Wall

Had the interview.  Not my best interview... it has been a while, I was rusty.  However, I must have done well enough because I am going in for a working interview tomorrow...

But I messed up guys.  So you probably know it is illegal for an employer to ask about family status in an interview due to liability if they don't hire you for having kids.  She didn't ask me... I said it.  She asked what my plans for the next five years were.  And of course it has been on the forefront of my mind and I blurted out "oh, ya, start a family, focus on getting my Nutrition Specialty..." blah blah blah.  She kind of freaked a tad, and said "well, how far away in the future?  I just lost my office manager because she had a baby"  And me, all deer-int-the-headlights said "oh, you know, closer to 3-5 years..."

You guys.  I lied.  In an interview.  I feel sick, like I'm going to vomit or something.  So now my choices are to continue to play dumb and then when Rachel does get pregnant do some serious groveling (assuming I get this job).  Or I tell her that "oh hey, so yesterday I lied.  We do want a family immediately" and absolutely do NOT get the job.  I'm all conflicted!  But do I even want to work for a boss that is all anti-family or baby-phobic?  I don't plan to stop working when I do become a mom... but I do plan to take a little time off to get into a routine.

Oh you guys, the guilt is killing me.  I don't want to get a job by lying.  I don't want a job just to have a job for a couple months, realize that it is not a right fit and be out looking for another job.  I just want a good job I can learn and grown in and stay at for a while. I wish I could rewind the day and redo that interview.

Any ideas?

Break Out the Bubbely!

Before my infertile friends cringe, nope, no preggers people over here.

BUT....


I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TOMORROW!!!!
*Much rejoicing, dancing, squealing and blasting of music*

I know, I know, it's not a guarantee but it just feels amazing! Not 10 minutes after I emailed out a bunch of resumes/cover letters (a la Craigslist) I got an email back from this one veterinarian (imagine that, the actual VET responded to me, not an office manager.  This place must be small... just the way I like it!)  and, and, and, when I checked out the clinics website (because Craigslist rarely names the clinic so you're blindly sending stuff out) this place sounds so COOL, they do holistic/alternative medicine along with traditional western medicine.  I don't think I could have imagined a better job place (unless it was large animal/mixed practice but still...) I am SO EXCITED!  It feels like forever since I've placed an IV, taken TPR's...

Of course now comes the really hard part. *Cue the intense dramatic music*

What do I wear????  I cleaned out my closet of crap that was outdated/didn't fit and now... hmmm... *malicious grin* I think I need to go shopping....