Moving On

Alrighty my dear dear readers...

I am moving onto a new blog.  A couple of reasons for this.  First of all, this blog was supposed to be about a journey through surrogacy.  This didn't end up working out, so it changes what I'm writing about.  Secondly, I've gathered a couple of readers who use what I write as ammunition against me and people I care about in real life.  Yes, I know this is the internet and that as free as I am to write whatever I like, they are free to do with it as they like.  But I don't want to see people I care about being hurt.

So as I build my new blog (and I'm fairly technologically challenged) I ask for your opinions on how to help my loyal readers follow me while restricting my new blog from those I feel cautious about including in my private innermost thoughts.  I'm moving to wordpress, and I'm pretty sure there is a way to protect my blog, but I don't know how to do that and I worry that it will make readers I want to keep hesitant to follow me.  Thoughts ladies?

A Night's Good Sleep

I'm a lot saner today.  A good night's sleep helped me to wake up, go to work, and have a little perspective. 

I don't know what it was about my SIL's pregnancy, but for some reason it just seemed like my infertility got shoved in my face in a way I haven't felt since my miscarriage.  I don't know why, but today I feel back to normal.  Call it stress from all the business of my life for my overreaction yesterday?  Now I just feel really bad, really guilty, that I upset A.

Work seems to be going ok.  Although I was told today that I would never have a "regular" schedule, that it all depends on what our appointment calendar looks like and if I need time off I should make the appointment and then just put in a request for time off.  On one hand, I understand.  It's a small clinic that cannot afford to just pay employees to stand around when there is no income being made via appointments.  But at the same time... I've known clinics that can still set up a schedule. And so I have to accept the fact that I can never schedule anything in my life, ever, when the clinic is open?  The only way I can schedule something is late at night or on Sundays when I know the clinic is closed?  Scott thinks I need to keep sending out resumes, and I'm sure he is right but... I really hate the idea of looking for work someplace else.  I dunno.  Guess I'll see how the rest of this week plays out, and try to talk with the vet to clarify/confirm that this no-schedule thing is true (since I heard it from a coworker) and go from there.

And now I'm going to go have some quality cuddle time with my puppy Glen. And try to figure out what to make for dinner.

Oh, wait, THAT was the edge of the planet? I fell off. Oops.

Sorry that I have been MIA for the last week. I’ve been working on getting out of my slump and … well, I cannot confirm nor deny the possibility of watching a marathon of the first season of Supernatural.

I went back to church today.  It was good to be back.  It is home, a place of comfort, a way to reset.  It was pretty amusing, I only missed one week and everybody acted like I had been gone for a month.  But it made me realize how much I’m cared about.  Kind of surprised me and made my heart all warm and fuzzy.

I know I have a lot of catching up to do on everybody’s blogs.  Please know you all have been on my mind.  I’ve been pushing myself to get out of the house and spend time with Scott which means time away from my laptop.

Monday means job hunting.  Yay!  My computer had a mini miracle and suddenly downloaded Microsoft Office (I thought maybe the DVD player had finally reset, but when I went to put in a different DVD it wouldn’t work.) so I can do the resume/cover letter thing.  Keep me in your prayers, fingers crossed etc for me. 

I’m waiting to hear from Rachel about her hitting CD1 so we can start planning for April.  Spring is one of my favorite seasons (ok, there is only 4 so it kind of limits me, but hear me out) Born in March myself, and I love spring flowers (Tulips are my absolute favorite!) , the whole fresh green, new growth, new life…

So I’m grabbing onto fresh hope bla bla bla.  Don’t give up on me dear readers, I’ll try to get back into frequent posting, I’ve just been busy in the “real world”.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to upgrade back to a smart phone so I can read and post on the go!  I may be close, I got to pay my student loan, car payment AND rent for April early.  I feel SO grown up, I could go skipping through a field with pigtails…. Er, wait, I guess that’s the little kid in me. 

Warning to rude people

The bottome line of what this blog is about:
Support.

1- to reach out to the infertility communiy for support for myself, Rachel and Scott.

2- hopefully, perhaps someday we can support others.  Perhaps even people that consider surrogacy for themselves.

So if people start thinking of leaving rude comments, realize that I am not doing this for your approval.  Scott, Rachel and I have not gone down this path lightly, but with MUCH thought, discussion and prayer.  This blog can only catch snippets of my experience but cannot possibly encompass all of our lives and histories.

Let's just support one another, ok?

Nerd. Geek. Dork.

Yay, Rachel is back in town!  It's not like we hang out every day or anything, but it makes me happy that she's back in the state, although I do hope she had a great trip this weekend.  On the flip side, Scott left to travel for work at 4am Monday morning.  Boo :(

I always miss Scott when he travels for work, but I admit that I've found the silver lining.  Most notably, I get the giant king-size bed all to myself!  Well, myself and the three dogs.  Amazingly, Corgis have this supernatural ability to stretch out, lay down and suddenly weight 50lbs so that moving them is quite the task.  And all three lay triangulated on the bed so that while it is a king size bed, I am left with little room to sleep on it.  They also are great about laying down on the blanket in such a way that pulling it up to my chin is equivalent to weight lifting.

So as I lay in bed last night cuddling my real-life stuffed animals, I was thinking about about the various controversial subjects in parenting and this is what I came up with:

Infertiles, as a group, are generally rather well read.  I mean, what else are we supposed to do to keep ourselves busy as we kill time between treatments, during the terrible 2WW or whatever else we wait for. So we read.  We read about infertility, and often we read about parenting so that when we do get pregnant we are "prepared".  In light of this being ICLW week, I have made a pseudo poll, about some of the controversial subjects of parenting.  Some of these I admit I already have an opinion on, but I welcome people to share their personal experiences or research. 

But just a little reminder - we all want what is best for our future children.   Often the reason something is controversial is because there are good points on each side, otherwise everyone would agree.  So play nice :)  I know you all would anyway but I just had to say it...

-CoSleeping: Yea or nay?
-Babyfood: tiny pieces the child can pick and choose from and feed themselves, or blended and spooned in?
-Cloth diapers vs. Disposable diapers?


Discuss :)  I had more but figured I would save some for future posts.

Lost and Found

In light of this week being ICLW week, I thought maybe having a big religious post would not be the best way to encourage new readers and comments.  (See the IComLeavWe link on the right sidebar for an explanation if you don't know what that is)

I was thinking of all the things Scott and I have put on hold "just in case" we got pregnant....  I know for Scott it has been staying with a job he HATES.  He wants to go back to school and get his EMT so her can pursue a career in the fire service, but is worried there wont be enough money if he quits his job.  (As I am at this moment between jobs, I'll be honest, it's true)  But I don't want him to put this off forever.  I fully support him going back to school and pursing his real interests. 

I have put off trips.  My mom loves to travel and a couple of times has invited me to go places with her.  Sometimes I couldn't go because I was finishing my degree, but sometimes... was because I wasn't sure that I would be able to fly if I was potentially possibly pregnant.

I have put off losing weight.  I know, I know, being over or underweight can hinder your chances at fertility, but so does dropping weight quickly.  And while I have always tried to eat well etc, I have never really pushed myself to hard-core diet and work out and drop the weight just in case THAT inhibited my chances at pregnancy.

I even tried to postpone surgery to have my gallbladder removed a year ago.  But the pain was just too intense that I gave in.  But really, that was stupid.

Infertility takes away a lot of things from people, but I never thought about outside of the "robbing me of my dignity and my future" sense.  It has robbed both Scott and I of living our life.  Surrogacy has not been a complete fix (Scott is still not going to quit his job and go back to school, but is looking for a different job as a compromise. His current job has great insurance that covered a bit of my fertility stuff so I had discouraged him from leaving just so we wouldn't lose that.  Go ahead and stick me in the crap-wife-hall-of-fame)  but it has given me a chance to breath and think and look at my life.  And make some changes.  Like with Scott's job search and my efforts in weight loss.

Of course it has changed our life in different ways.  We had planned to move to the Seattle area when our lease was up in July this summer.  To be closer to my family, to have a better job market, and the climate is my absolute favorite.  (I hate the heat of Colorado summers.  It's just too much!)  But now, if Rachel get's pregnant, we are going to stay in Colorado.  And most likely for a while.  We want to be here for the whole pregnancy.  And nobody wants to move halfway across the country with an infant.  So I'll admit it has been hard to realize that that plan, the plan to finally move to MY "happy place" is being postponed.  Yet again.  But... it's worth it.  I recognize the disappointment and frustration, but I also see that our family complete and content, with an adorable little baby, far outweighs the disappointment.

**Also... I would welcome comments to old posts so if the "Faith" post doesn't speak to you, feel free to enjoy the previous posts and know they are about different subjects. I only started blogging about a week ago so there isn't years and years of posts to sift through.

Faith

Scott and I finally was able to sit down with our priest tonight.  Of course I had done some "google research", and spoke with some women in the church about the Orthodoxy's stance on surrogacy and had come away with a sense that the church found it to be too new of an issue for the church to have a decided stance on.  (And one person even asked her priest who gave that answer.)

Apparently, that is not that case.

The Orthodox Church does not agree with it for two reasons.  Firstly, from a practical standpoint there is concern about it being confusing for the child.  Secondly, we must be careful to have faith and not force something.

....Hmmm...

Of course as catecumens we are not really held to all the standards as we are still learning.  And it is not a moral law (as would be, say, "Do not murder") that we are to be punished or condemned.  If a child is conceived it will be loved and accepted without question.

I realize that when it comes to the Church, their position is not really up for debate but here are my thoughts and feelings.

First of all, in today's culture of blended families, surrogacy is not that complicated.  Perhaps it would have been hard for the child raised 50 or 100 years ago, but in the culture our child will be raised in, it wont be abnormal.  Our child will know it is loved and wanted, and mommy wanted it SO much but she couldn't carry it in her tummy, that Aunt Rachel helped.  (Or however we will explain it, age appropriate and all that)

And as far as forcing something... I know this is a highly controversial issue today but I kind of feel like to say that, is to put God in a box.  If God doesn't want something to happen, if He doesn't want us to be parents than we wont be.  Rachel wont get pregnant, adoption wont be an option and we will remain infertile.

We are called to have faith, to listen for God in our hearts.  I cannot possibly express in a single post the amount of time spent in prayer, the tears that have been shed over our desires to be pregnant.  I've asked for a miracle.  I've asked God to take this desire off my heart if it is not His plan.  I've asked for confidence in which path to choose out of the multiple myriad of infertility options. 

Well, I have not miraculously become pregnant.  My desire for a child is not just as simple as a kid desires a candy bar.  I feel like in some alternate universe we DO have kids.  We should be reading bedtime stories and checking for monsters every night.  And I weep and ache for this ghost of a child that we don't have.  All I can do is sit and wonder "Why? Where did I go wrong?  What path did I go down that took me away from my child?"  Like a mother in a movie who was brainwashed to think she never had kids but in her heart has an empty ache even though her brain says she doesn't have a baby.  And meeting Rachel like I did, when I did... as soon as I began contemplating a surrogacy with her I felt a calm certainty.  It may sound hokey, cheesy or delusional, but I feel like God brought us together for a reason.  I haven't felt this kind kind of certainty often in my walk of faith.  I felt this in high school when I walked away from my faith for 6 months, and when I agreed to go to a church service and it started my heart leapt for joy, in feeling home.  I felt it when I married Scott.  I felt it when I first visited the Orthodox church.  And I felt it when I thought of Rachel being our surrogate.

So while on one hand it is disappointing not to have the full support of my faith behind me, I know that one of the wonderful things about Orthodoxy is the freedom.  Father M assured us that from this point forward no one would say anything.  That he wouldn't have even said anything to begin with except he didn't want 3 years down the road for it to come up in some random discussion and us to feel embarrassed or confused.  He knows we didn't do this out of rebellion or some terrible motive.  There is much love and grace.  And that is very heartening.

Definitions

Because I've had a couple people ask what certain words and phrases mean, I figured I would attempt to clarify.

IP -Intended Parent(s).  The people that are receiving the greatest gift, a baby.
IM- Intended Mother
IF-Intended Father
Traditional Surrogate - A woman who carries a baby for another person or couple, and is also the egg donor.  The husbands sperm is placed inside of her for conception.
Gestational Surrogate - A woman who carried a baby for another person or couple, but has no biological tie to the baby.  Conception happens via IVF.
IVF- Invitro Fertilization.  Eggs are harvested from the biological mother and sperm is collected from the biological father, and are combined.  This is the "petri dish" method.  The goal is to make multiple embryos because a percentage will die in the process of conception, before they can be transferred to the uterus.  Also extra embryos can be frozen for future cycles in the case that the transfer does not take with a pregnancy or the parents want siblings for their child.
IUI- Intra Uterine Insemination.  Done in a doctors office, sperm is collected, washed and then inserted into the woman's uterus, bypassing the cervix which is a hurdle for the sperm to find their way through.
ICI - Intra Cervical Insemination.  This can be done in a doctors office or at home, this is the "turkey baster" method.  It's chances are equivocal to normal intercourse.  Sperm is collected and put into the vagina by a needless syringe and/or placed into a cup designed to sit on the cervix.  The woman elevates her hips for about a half hour and then goes on with her day.

Check out http://www.sharedjourney.com/ for a great resource on explaining all thing infertility.

We are doing a Traditional Surrogacy, using ICI.  A big part of the reason for this, besides cost, is that we cannot find a doctor in northern Colorado willing to work with a surrogate.  When I called up my infertility doctor's office I was told (rather snottily) to try to find a doctor in Denver.  So while we wait to find a doctor in Denver we are trying what we can.

And on that note.... SO EXCITED FOR THIS WEEKEND! 

Why? Why? Why? Why? WhyWhyWhyWhyWhy?

I thought I should take a second to explain WHY we chose surrogacy over a multitude of options.

I think most people assume that if a couple cannot get pregnant, they should adopt.  And we considered adopting, we really did.  But there were a number of reasons we didn't pursue it.

First of all, we wont qualify.  The income requirements state we have to make more than we do currently.  Secondly, currently we live with a roommate and while that will end this summer, we can't pursue adoption until after we have moved in order to pass the home inspection. Thirdly, I have some real fears of infant adoption.  There have been too many stories of birth mothers changing their minds at the last minute and the adopting parents have to start all over again.  I cannot imagine the heartache. 

So we considered international adoption, or toddler adoption, but I don't want to miss out on the first two years of my childs life.  Maybe as an option for a second child, but I want the whole experience of them discovering the world.  Going back to domestic infant adoptions, there are also concerns associated with how healthy the birth mother is.  Often they do drugs or drink alcohol while pregnant because they don't know they are pregnant.  And finally, the waiting list for domestic infant adoption can take years.

I'm not saying that adoption is bad.  I applaud all families that pursue it!  It just isn't right for us right now.

Test blog

This is my first blog, so bare with me as I put everything together...