Ink is the New Norm

So it seems like lots of people are posting about their ink and piercings lately.  So without further ado...
Just to lay the foundation: one of the things my mom beat to death was the idea that all tattoos will eventually be a major regret.  I cannot tell you how many times I heard "Don't get a tattoo.  I got mine and I regret it all the time"  and the thought that always went through my head was "Well duh.  You got as playboy bunny on your butt.  You were a stupid teenager who got a tattoo just to be cool.  I won't do that."  So I knew that when the day came that I got a tattoo, it would mean something.  Mean a lot.

My first tattoo I ever got was on my lower back.  The word "broken" in hebrew.  It comes from Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." NIV.  While this tattoo has many meanings and implications throughout my life, the basis of this was that I lost my virginity.  Scott and I had been dating for 2 years and to a certain extent it is difficult to be so emotionally intimate without the physical aspect.  So we had sex.  And I was wracked with guilt.  And I knew that as much as I could try to justify it, I needed to focus on my faith.  I remember I got it right before Thanksgiving break, 2005. I went home over Christmas, and to a certain extent, and kind of forgotten how new it was.  I was getting out of the car one evening and my mom saw the ink and choked out "WHAT is THAT?" I was really confused and was like "What?! ... ooooooh.  Ya.  I got a tattoo."  Needless to say I didn't explain that sex had been involved in it's history.

Then in the winter of 2007 I got a celtic horse on my right ankle.  I had long enjoyed the design.  The aesthetics, and the horse.  I started riding back when I was learning to walk.  Little "mommy and me" horse camp in the local park.  And from there, I was always trying to spend more time around them.  Riding speaks to something in my blood, in my soul.  And while I'm not superstitious the symbol was meant to keep equestrians safe.  (Hey, it's not like I have the word "moron" written on me in Japanese, right?)

Number 3... one of my favorites.  I got it it in the Fall of 2009, right about the time we started TTC.  I was desperately homesick for the northwest and dealing with the end of owning my horse Foxer.  (Who we re-homed so we would have money for a kid.)  I got a hippocamp on my left hip. The hippocamp was a mythical beast half horse half fish that pulled Poseidon's chariot.  Something about it seemed like a perfect symbol of who I am.  The love of water and horses.  I have already touched on my love of horses, but let me just say that growing up in the NW and spending every summer out on the family boat... I was a water baby.  When I have panic attacks it is one of the non-medical ways of calming me down to get into the shower.  I love to swim.  And I really hope to impart a love of the water and horses onto my kids someday.

My 4th and 5th tattoos cover the tops of my feet in spring of 2010.  I know I know, I get asked all the time "Isn't that painful??"  I try not to make a sarcastic remark. Yes it hurt.  But my hippocamp actually hits the bottom rib, and extends in front of my hip a little and was the most painful tattoo I have gotten to date. Anyway, it reads "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away..."(on the left foot) and then "Blessed be the name of the Lord.  Job 1:20" on the right, so you can read across them.  I was feeling frustrated with feeling like we had made no headway on the infertility front.  Of course 2 months later I would get pregnant... and lose it before we got a heartbeat.  The scripture was my mantra in that very dark time.  Again, focusing on the most important thing, my lifeline, my faith.

And my plans for the future?  I would like to have a red and white parrot tulip tattooed with a single red drop running down from the red of the petal.  This tattoo is for my miscarriage.  Not that I would ever forget, but my tattoos are a representation of me.  And I feel the need to have something to represent the pain and hopelessness I felt. Why a tulip?  For one, it is one of my favorite flowers, but also, because it s spring blooming flower and the child I lost was due in late March.  White for the innocence lost.... my innocence that a pregnancy could be a sure thing.  The innocence of that unborn child.  And red for the pain and for the actual physical blood shed.

So out of that somber note and back to something a little more fun.  My piercings.  I got my ears pierced as a small child (Had to do it twice because the first time I screamed so much i wouldn't let them do the second ear)  Then March 2010 I was in Seattle hanging out with one of my oldest friends E (we go back to elementary school if you can believe it) I wanted a piercing.  But something more than just an extra hold in my ear.  I don't like my boobs so nipples were out (E has her nipples done and loves them.I was tempted, but the other concern was if it would make my ability to breastfeed impossible someday)  And while I love the look of dermals, the pain you have to go through to have them removed was just too much to consider.  I wanted something easy to remove if I hated it.  I don't really like facial piercings... I considered my nose.  But was worried it could effect my attempts at job hunting so... for my birthday E and I went and got our hoods pierced.  Yes, I know, seems risque, but it was kind of perfect.  Because I got a piercing and it has made sex... improved.  And even Scott likes it!  Win-win.  Then in May I was feeling a little needle addiction, and got my right tragus pierced.  It's cute, I like it :) A tiny hoop with a green gem.  Maybe one day when I'm done having kids, after I lose the weight and get a boob lift/reduction (This isn't a vanity thing.  I have DD's.  And a bad back because of it.) and feel better about them, then I'll get my nipples pierced.  Andy maybe one day I will get brave enough to get some dermal piercings... I like to get some around my hippocamp to highlight it.  Oooo, sparkley...

Auspicious April

I texted my sister-in-law A that I had been offered the job.  She called me up all excited, but instantly recognized the less-than-enthusiastic tone in my voice.  I told her, "I need you to smack me upside the head" and she replied "I can do that."  She then proceeded to verbally smack me upside the head, but in this amazing way where I don't feel like crap afterward.  I know that this is more about my self confidence being shaken by the really bad job in Vancouver I took last fall.  And the only way to get it back is to face the problem.  So I emailed Dr.A back and accepted the job.  *lots of deep breaths going on over here*

Scott got home safely from a wildfire today.  They got paged out last night and he has been been out fighting it all night, clocked something like 14 hours.  I know this is going to sound morbid, but we love wild-fire season in our house.  It really helps to supplement Scott's paycheck.  And it's what he really wants to do.  I'm still surprised that firefighting is as competitive as it is.  He is heading out to Washington at the end of April to begin the interview process for Tacoma Fire so it would be an absolute dream come true if he got through this stage.

And then on one final, awesome note I got my Chocobuddy pairing today :D  :D  :D  WoopWoop! *doing a terrible 90's white-girl celebration dance*  I can't wait to go to the store and pick something out for her!!!

The sun in shining (big surprise here, I know, but I'm feeling the springtime-ness), took the dogs for a walk and they are happy, and I think April is going to be a good month.

Monsters

-If you are here for ICLW please start by reading my post written on Sunday the 20th that gives an overview of my journey)-

When we were kids we were terrified of there being monsters under beds, in closets, hiding in shadow.  But then we grew up and stopped believing in such silly childish things.  That was very very stupid.  As adults, and as infertiles, we have come to realize that monsters are real.  They are out there.  And they are scary. 

I am talking about The Infertility Monster.

(I'll wait while you turn on the lights and hide under a blankie)

When I picture this particular beast, the basic framework is from Allie's "Alot". (Her blog has nothing to do with infertility, but is it HIGH-larious.  It has made me have giggle fits, complete with snorting, crying and snot dribble.  Scott will look at me like I'm some crazy lunatic and I will attempt to explain what is so funny by reading her post but due to my sniffling/snorting/dog-whistle-high-pitch-squeaky-voice it really doesn't help my attempt to convince him of my sanity.)  Check out her post at:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html
I have read every post she has ever written, and even go back and re-read them because they are JUST THAT FUNNY

(I'll wait while you go and read...)

Ok, for all you lazy folks who have decided to deprive yourselves of a good laugh, I will go on with my "Alot of Infertility"  It has the body of a yak, with bear paws and a giant round head.  My Alot has 3 CrAzY eyes and horns and drools like a MoFo. You simotaneously understand how serious and scary this critter is but also can laugh at it (Because if it was 100% scary like something from "Aliens" then how could I possible have the bravery to fight it???)

This monster will jump out when you least expect it, running wild, rampaging and destroying your home and relationships, not to mention your wallet, body and psyche.  It has some routine ways of attacking (MFI, PCOS...) but sometimes it tries a surprise sneak attack (Unexplained IF) We do our best to repair the damages (Lap, drugs...), or fortify against attacks (vitamins, exercise, herbs, aromatherapy, acupuncture) but there is no solid 100% way to destroy this beasty known to our current military (AKA modern medicine)

Sometimes though we see evidence that someone has injured it (and now it's running amok with a spear in it's bum, but hey it's injured so someone tackle the thing!!!) such as Elphie and AP  (You GO girls!) and are on their way to subduing it completely. (There will be much rejoicing, traditional dancing and face painting to the tune of "The Witch Is Dead")

I invite you all to draw/sketch/sculpt this Alot of Infertility (or however you picture this creature that MUST be destroyed!) and share it with me and I will post them up on here.

Just One Funny Moment

So some of you know how my friend T and I have been watching the original Star Trek TV show.  And laughing at some of the very "60's" moments... one being when two individuals are chastised for kissing.  So T jokingly made a comment of "kissing and holding hands makes babies!" which was an archaic wives tale told to young girls to save their modesty.  After considering the sarcastic comment she just made, T turned to me and said "Maybe that's what you and Scott need to do more, hold hands.  Then you'll have a baby!" We had a good laugh.

I just figured it was worth adding to all the ridiculous advice like "just relax" and "it will happen when the time is right" and "just adopt!". 

There is a more serious post below, written earlier today. But hopefully this mini-post amused you as much as it did me :)

"Mutual Friend"

Can I start by saying how honestly and truly tired I am of having to write on this subject.  But as it continues to come up in my household it continues to be at the forfront of my mind and so it is what I end up writing about.

I was made aware today that my roommate denies reading my blog, but that a "mutual friend" does and then passes on the topics I talk about to her.

I was really surprised to learn this.  So this message is meant for whoever this person may be.  If you don't agree with me, I would greatly appreciate you approaching me and talking with me about it.  I'm not interested in having a bunch of "yes men" pretending to support me while not actually supporting me.  Scott and I had a discussion today where he didn't agree with something and while I was surprised I would rather he be honest with me then lie to me.  Sometimes it is a simple matter of clarifying something, and sometimes it means agreeing to disagree.  But either way, I would like to talk to you.  It's what friends do.

On the fertility front, I'm anxious for Rachel to hit cycle day one so we can start planning for the next cycle.  And I hope to get to hang out with her, due to scheduling we haven't gotten to hang out at all and I miss her! *Squoze hug* to my wonderful friend!

And on the silly front, we are coming to the end of season one of Star Trek and I'm looking forward to season two.  I'm becoming an addict, I can tell :D  But don't worry, I wont consider naming my baby Spock or anything.  Although I did jokingly "yell" at my dad for him not showing us these episodes growing up (we watched all kinds of old TV shows, does anybody remember the black-and-white Zorro show??) but not Star Trek.  He laughed and said that even when they came out and were the best of the technology, it was still cheesy.  I explained that is what is so fun about it!  Oh we had a good laugh...

Fill In The _________

I figured I needed to write something new so here's what I've been up to, the last two days.  Waking up at 4:30 in the morning to drive over to my friend A's, so she can get to her early shift at work by 5, and watch my Godson J... and "his" 6 (7?) week old puppy named Loki.  I'm not sure which is more exhausting.  (I think it's the dog)

Since I get there so early I crash on the couch for a couple hours until J wakes up and starts his "I'm hungry and awake!" noises.  I also try to remember to take the puppy out every hour to minimize the amount of messes I clean up.  After J is up for 2-3 hours he goes down for a nap until lunch time.  I absolutely adore my Godson and really enjoy my time spent over here (plus the inevitable time A and I get to spend once she gets home around 2-3.  She was one of my bridesmaids and is one of Scott's oldest friends)  In a lot of ways, A and I couldn't be more different.  When it comes to opinions of parent relationships (as in how we view our own parents, not parenting J), theology, how many pets is too many.... But I absolutely luv her.  We've had some great debates on all these topics and more and usually just come to a place where we agree to disagree but it hasn't ever hurt our friendship.  She knows me so well, and I know her so well, we can have entire paragraphs of information transmitted via a look. 

She has always been really supportive of me and all the random things I do.  I just really appreciate having her in my life.  And getting crazy-fun-days with J :)

Other than that, last night Rachel and the person that introduced us - Elizabeth! - had a girls night and ate salads and watched "Due Date" with Robert Downer Jr.  It was nice to just hang out, inevitably the conversation turned to relationships (hello, what girls night doesn't???) and there was a good amount of laughter.  There was an impressive absence of chocolate and ice cream, which is all for the better really.

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I have to admit I have a LOT of random thoughts bumping around my head today but I don't want to write them all out.  Part of it is that some of it I have written before.  And since my blog is only a few weeks old, nothing I have written was THAT long ago.  Part of it I can't really put into words in a way that I would like it to.  So I guess I'll keep contemplating and write it out as I figure out how. 
My train-of-conciousness goes something like this: 

My friends (T, L, Elizabeth, E.M., M.G., ....) A, J, Rachel (happy, hope, optimism), talking with Father M (Not sure what that will look like and the unknown is scary), Scott, babies, babies and more babies, J, A....  throw in random thoughts about what the heck are we going to do when our lease ends and how I really need to find a new job.... and that's what's going on in my head.

Let's play 20 questions!

A little fun and frivolity...
I've been tagged by Josey at http://mycheapversionoftherapy.blogspot.com/   

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? Yes I have animals.  And while they do occasionally sleep on my bed, they are most definitely animals.  My oldest dog is 12 and has pretty sever arthritis.  I am constantly watching him for signs of discomfort that his current medication is no longer working and we will humanely euthanize him.  To try to keep them alive while miserable because we can't say goodbye is far less humane.  As a a veterinary technician I see animals suffering because their owners see them as "members of the family".  And I've seen people put their own children in danger because they can't see how dangerous their dogs are because they think of their dogs as their "babies".  Sorry, soapbox...


2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? 
Besides having a healthy baby?  Twins!


3. What would you do with a billion dollars? 
Buy a new car.  And a cute little house.  And a horse!  And a new car for my friend B.  Maybe a big vacation since Scott and I haven't been on a real vacation since our honeymoon.  Padagonia, the UK, Germany, Russia....


4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? 
Talking to my best friend E, my hubby calling me "babydoll", horseback riding (when the opportunity arises), singing, a shower w/ candles and aromatherapy.

5. What is your bedtime routine? 
Depends on whether Scott is home or not, but let the dogs out one last time, use bathroom, brush teeth, let dogs back in, sit in bed and either read or surf the web for a bit, then put on my "sleep" play list on my iTunes.

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? 
Met our first year of college back in fall of '03.  Started dating December '03.  And we just kept making it work :)


7. What kind of books do you read?
Looooots.  Most recently the Black dagger Brotherhood series, Sookie Stackhouse series, currently reading an anthropological work titled "Birthing a Mother" about surrogacy in Israel.  I also enjoy religious/theological books.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
That would make me 35 so... hopefully with kids, a house and a job I am enjoying working at.

9. What’s your fear? 
As in my greatest fear?  Falling from a tall height but not dieing immediately on impact, having to lay there in agony and die slowly.  General fears, I don't like spiders.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? 
Well, I hate flying in a normal plane, so I think a space ship would be even worse so.... seeing space isn't really listed on my "bucket list" so I will go with no.  But there are other things I would give up junk food for.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? 
Let the dogs outside, pee, step on the scale, write the number on the calendar to track my weight loss.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? 
I wish he would help out with chores more.  But I know it's a guy thing...

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Nah, I like my name.  Although I remember in the 1st grade wishing my name was "Zebra"  What was I thinking?! Hahahaha!

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? 
I would choose rain :)  I miss the Northwest, nice temperate climate and plenty of green. 

15. If you could have one skill that you don't currently have, what would it be?
I wish I was better with budgeting.  And making soup.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? 
I'm copying this from Josey because she summed it up so well: The friendships and support and understanding you all have for my (our) situations. You're amazing.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? 
Sweet.  But not too sweet.

18. What items are in your purse right now? 
wallet.  eyeglasses.  sunglasses.  pen.  random assorted receipts.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? 
Beach.  I grew up boating and miss it!

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?
Technically we don't have cable so anything I watch I have to watch via internet, or rent the DVD's.  I probably shouldn't watch any of it, but here is my guilty pleasure list: America's Next Top Model, Hellcats, Big Bang Theory, True Blood... I've seen snippets of Vampire Diaries and How I Met Your Mother and think I would like to watch those too.

The four people I tag are: Um, I don't know enough people in blogland yet to tag them.  So feel free to do this just for fun :)

Sing a little song

I recently joined my church choir.  I sang in multiple choirs in high school, and was involved in all sorts of theater.  I forgot how much I enjoy singing.

It has been difficult giving up horseback riding, but I had to do it because we just couldn't afford it.  And if we want to be parents, we have to think about where our money is going and what it should be spent on.  But that left me feeling... like someone had taken a piece of me.  A big piece.  Horses have been a part of my life since... before I could walk?  My mom took me to some "mommy-and-me-ride" at the park (where they plop the kid on the horse and are walked around by someone on the ground) and the rest is history.  Horses are in my blood.  Usually I feel fat, uncoordinated, slow.  On a horse, I feel graceful, powerful, synchronized.  My heart and spirit soar.  With my history of panic attacks, and general over-worrying, riding was the one thing I could do when things were bad that would take my mind of my problems.  Partly, because riding takes a lot of mental focus and physical disciple so there isn't energy left to think about everything else.  Riding was my retreat, where I could rejuvenate.

So since selling my horse and giving up lessons, I've been a bit adrift.  I've tried riding friends horses, and while it is fun and I would never turn it down, I get frustrated that I can't pursue the sport like I want to.

So back to joining choir.  It was mostly just to get involved in something with Church, get to know people etc.  But as I sang today I realized that while it is not the same, this could be my new retreat.  When I'm focusing on the notes, my breath and tone, my mind focuses on what is most important.  I can explore emotions in a way I can't in just talking to people.  So I decided that maybe I could start voice lessons (has to be cheaper than riding lessons, right?) so I called up an old friend who has her masters (maybe a PhD?) in music to ask if she did voice lessons.  She said no... but that she does direct a community choir and it is FREE, and invited me to join them Monday nights!  I'm very excited and giddy.

There are two things I would say I have a natural talent for.  And not trying to brag, but just know that I have a knack for them.  The first is riding.  And the second is singing.  I can't believe I forgot about singing for so long!

So as I wait (im)patiently for a positive test for Rachel, I am going to do something that I enjoy, am good at, and can feel good about me.  I realize this post seems to have nothing to do with infertility, but really, I think that as infertiles we often forget to do things just for the FUN of it.  So here is hoping you all out there have something you do for fun, to recharge from disappointment and anxiety, and embrace living life.

New and Improved ABC's

Thank you Mrs.Gamgee of http://missusgamgee.blogspot.com/ for this twist on the "ABC's"! 

A-AGE: 25.  I turn 26 on March 18th.  I know I know, I get the "But you have so much time for babies" comment all the time.  Let me ask you, if I'm having trouble at this great young age, do you really think it's going to get any better as time passes and my reproductive tract gets older???

B – BED SIZE:  King.  And sometimes when all three of our dogs sleep with us, it's still too small.  But it was a great change after sharing a full size bed for 3 years!

C-CHORE YOU HATE: All of them?  Ok, my least favorite would have to be vacuuming.  I absolutely love hardwood or tile.  I actually kind of enjoy mopping... but really and truly hate vacuuming,  Not sure what the difference is.... carpet is just gross.  And of course that's all rentals ever have.  Bleh.

D-DREAM JOB: Working in a  large animal clinic.  Getting to do a lot of surgical nursing.  (I'm a veterinary technician)  But for now, I'll do anything in my field that pays the bills!

E-ESSENTIAL START YOUR DAY ITEM:  Cell phone?  Gotta check if I missed any texts or calls...  I'm not really someone who has to have coffee or anything.

F-FAVORITE COLOR: Green! Wait, no... Blue!  Wait, no... Green!  Hm.... Blue!  Ok, it's a tie.

G-GOAL IN LIFE:  To be understood. And to understand others.

H-HEIGHT:  5'2". I love that I can get away with 6" heels... except I have long since gotten out of the habit of wearing heels so when I do it hurts :(

I-INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY:  My voice.  I played the viola a bit in elementary school, and piano for a bit then too, but I was involved in multiple choirs in high school and took private voice lessons.  My voice has kind of gone to s**t since I've been out of practice, but would love to take up voice lessons again, even just so I can sing along with opera songs for myself again.

J-JOB TITLE: Between jobs.... Had a temporary position for a dream company that unfortunately ended.

K-KIDS:  None.  Unless you count my 4-legged-and-furry kind.  In which case the answer is then 3. In my dream world?  One boy and twin girls.

L-LIVE: In a college town in northern Colorado.  I've been trying to leave for years but keep getting sucked into staying for one reason or another.  It's ok, but I've really outgrown the "college" scene.

M-MAJOR IN COLLEGE: Associates of Applied Science in Veterinary Technology.  But for a time I also studied Biblical Studies, Theology and Psychology.

N-NICKNAMES: As a small child kids couldn't pronounce "Kira" so it went to "Kiwa" and finally to "Kiwi".  Nothing else really comes to mind.  Except my husband called me "Babydoll".  Which I totally luv :)

O-OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS:  None in my memory.  Probably all as a baby if any.  Unless you count the time I went into the ER around 1 or 2 in the morning for sever vomiting and diarrhea and didn't get out until 5 or 6.

P-PET PEEVE:  Slow drivers in the left lane.  MOVE OVER!  KEEP RIGHT EXCEPT TO PASS!!!

Q-QUOTE FROM MOVIE: Lots of good ones out there... but tonight I saw "Baby Mama" for the first time, and I love the description of labor as "I'm pooping a knife" or something along those lines.

R-RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED:  Righty.  Same as my dad.  Interestingly my mom and brother are leftys.  My dad and I were born in March.  Mom and brother in January.  Dad and I like creamy PB, Mom and brother like crunchy.... Maybe that wasn't actually interesting, but random at the least.

S-SIBLINGS:  One older brother who is 4 years older than me and is 30.  One stepsister that is a lot younger than me.  I want to say either 9 or 10?  I rarely get to see her since she is in Washington, and her mom and my dad have only been married for about a year.

T-TIME YOU WAKE UP:  Depends on the time I go to bed.  Recently no matter what time I go to bed I wake up around 5, but have been able to roll over and go back to sleep until about 8.

U-UNDERWEAR: Usually a thong.  With fun colors/prints. 

V-VEGETABLE YOU DISLIKE: I can't really think of anything.  Usually if I don't like something it's because of how it was prepared.  I was vegan for a year and got to try all sorts of veggies and it broadened my palate.  I guess all things soy because all the soy available in the US has been genetically modified and does crap to your body.

W-WHAT MAKES YOU RUN LATE: If I can't find my keys or my cell phone.  My cell phone is like my security blanket... but usually I'm the person 15-30 minutes early because I'm paranoid about being late. And my town has a LOT of train tracks across it and you never know when you are going to be stopped by one... or two.

X-X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD DONE:  A lot to my hips as a kid because my legs were growing unevenly.  Upper Back when I was having weird chest/back pains (turned out to be stones in my gallbladder).  Most recently an HSG of my uterus and fallopian tubes that showed nothing.

Y-YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE:  I. Love. Baking.  So this could be a long list... Scott always complements my meatloaf and lasagna and guinness cheesecake.  I will say that I suck at making soups which seems silly since they are supposed to be so "easy".

Z-ZOO, FAVORITE ANIMAL:  River Otters (not to be confused with sea otters)  They are just so happy and comical!  Wish I could become one, they always look like they are having a BLAST! I have a tendency to take life to seriously...