Couple of things to talk about today guys.
1-GO over and check out http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/04/open-letter-to-peta.html Seriously guys. I love animals. I work to make their lives humane, comfortable and understood. PETA has a long standing history of extremism, when their attempts to help often make things worse. (Like the time they broke into a research facility and released a bunch of armadillos with leprosy into the wild... where they then infected the wild armadillo population... Good thinkin' there guys.) Anyway, so now "In honor of Infertility Awareness" they are offering a free vasectomy to one lucky guy for neutering his pet. PETA is basing this on the idea that humans are overpopulating the planet and there isn't room for all the animals euthanized in shelters everywhere. Ok.... I have two thoughts here. First, there is a lot of academics who argue that overpopulation is due to medical improvements allowing people to live longer, and that birthrates are actually in decline, so eventually we will slowly decrease the human population. And secondly, less people means less homes to put those unwanted pets in.
Moving on...
2-Work is going well. I worked 7 1/2 hours straight today. Long shift I was pooped when I finally got off. But I'm finding more of a rhythm. Still coming across nuances they want done differently but I think that overall we are fitting together. I don't think they are having to repeat themselves to me much at all. The biggest pain is that while they are training me, I never know what my shift will be from day to day, it all depends on what the schedule looks like. I'm hoping they don't drag this out too long... I don't mind working, but I like knowing when I can plan things.
And this moves into my next train of thought...
3-We are officially moving forward with pursuing our own pregnancy. Rachel emailed me officially stepping down from surrogacy and I absolutely respect her feelings. And honestly, I'm starting to think Scott and I are ready too try, that maybe meeting her was the chance we desperately needed to take a break. So as soon as I get a regular schedule I'll be calling back Dr.B to schedule my Lap.
However...
4-What do I do with this blog? I don't want to lose the wonderful support I have found on here. But the title, url address, and description are all focused towards our try at surrogacy. Do I start a new blog, with a link from this blog to my new blog? Do I just rename it and change my description and live with the url?
And Finally: A really big giant HUGE thank you for the advice and support from everyone on talking with Scott about sex. We did discuss it a little this afternoon. And we agreed it may be good to talk more, and maybe even talk with a counselor. That's another one of those things that hinges on me having a regular schedule...
Ok, really, the last thing: MommyOdyssey has been having problems commenting on my page. If you find yourself having a hard time posting, I would love it if you would send me a message to let me know. Who knows, maybe this is my chance to move over to WordPress? (I like that they can reply to specific comments)
Showing posts with label My Fav Lady. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Fav Lady. Show all posts
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
As the Weekend Draws to a Close
What a crazy weekend. I'm exhausted, it is 7pm and I'm laying in bed. Going to type up this post, do a little reading ("Definitely Dead" - a Sookie Stackhouse novel by Charlain Harris for those who care) and go to sleep! Friday night Scott went and fought fire for over 14 hours. He came home Saturday and slept all day. And probably would have slept all night except the fire flared back up and he got called out at midnight. However, we had screaming winds and it was decided it was too dangerous and he was sent home at 3, but then got up at 5 and went back out on the fire this morning when the winds had died down... and I still have yet to hear from him today. I know I wasn't the one on the fire, hiking around in the dark, but there is some serious loss of sleep when I know he is out there. Logic tells me that I do know what i would do if something happened... but emotionally, I don't know what I would do if I lost him.
Ugh, I don't even want to think about it.
Moving on.
Tomorrow afternoon I go in for my first training shift! I've got my scrubs picked out, and took my shower tonight in case they call me in early (they said it was a remote possibility if they got slammed with emergencies or something) and I'm as ready as I'm going to be.
The weather has been a little crazy, it rained early this morning and has been overcast almost the entire day, and even did a little snowing this afternoon. The rain was fabulous, the misting drizzle I grew up with. I may be imagining things, but it seemed like the green buds on trees and new grass really popped today. Don't get me wrong, still plenty of dead-yellow grass and bare trees, but the rain seemed to invigorate the plants or something. More likely it just invigorated me. I know, I know, I must be crazy. All my Colorado friends are complaining like one day of overcast weather is equivalent to the apocalypse, but I luv it. (And I mean seriously, ONE DAY? Do you really want it to be sunny EVERY day? If so, you need to move to Africa or something along the equator, because that is just a ridiculous expectation. And it makes me want to drag them all to Seattle and see what they would do if they had overcast weather for a week, let along 9 months HAHA! Just get a little perspective people...)
Rachel is out of town and I misses heeeeer! I hope she is have a great time with her boyfriend and her family, but I keep thinking "I should call Rachel and see if she wants to go grab tea or something... oh, wait, she's not here" and then I make an epic pouty face that nobody but my dogs is around to appreciate.
Alrighty folks, I'm sleepy. I've got my book (we, Nook technically) and my dogs and a comfy bed and some scented candles. And half of a sleeping pill to battle my insomnia that I took at the beginning of typing that seems to having an effect and calling me to wrap this up and get some shut-eye. Hope all you out there in blogland have a good night and a great week full of warm fuzzy moments *BIG HUGS!!!*
Ugh, I don't even want to think about it.
Moving on.
Tomorrow afternoon I go in for my first training shift! I've got my scrubs picked out, and took my shower tonight in case they call me in early (they said it was a remote possibility if they got slammed with emergencies or something) and I'm as ready as I'm going to be.
The weather has been a little crazy, it rained early this morning and has been overcast almost the entire day, and even did a little snowing this afternoon. The rain was fabulous, the misting drizzle I grew up with. I may be imagining things, but it seemed like the green buds on trees and new grass really popped today. Don't get me wrong, still plenty of dead-yellow grass and bare trees, but the rain seemed to invigorate the plants or something. More likely it just invigorated me. I know, I know, I must be crazy. All my Colorado friends are complaining like one day of overcast weather is equivalent to the apocalypse, but I luv it. (And I mean seriously, ONE DAY? Do you really want it to be sunny EVERY day? If so, you need to move to Africa or something along the equator, because that is just a ridiculous expectation. And it makes me want to drag them all to Seattle and see what they would do if they had overcast weather for a week, let along 9 months HAHA! Just get a little perspective people...)
Rachel is out of town and I misses heeeeer! I hope she is have a great time with her boyfriend and her family, but I keep thinking "I should call Rachel and see if she wants to go grab tea or something... oh, wait, she's not here" and then I make an epic pouty face that nobody but my dogs is around to appreciate.
Alrighty folks, I'm sleepy. I've got my book (we, Nook technically) and my dogs and a comfy bed and some scented candles. And half of a sleeping pill to battle my insomnia that I took at the beginning of typing that seems to having an effect and calling me to wrap this up and get some shut-eye. Hope all you out there in blogland have a good night and a great week full of warm fuzzy moments *BIG HUGS!!!*
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Overview of Me and My IF/TTC Journey
This is for all the folks here for ICLW this month (and anyone needing a general overview) Sorry for the length, but when shortened it to a bullet-point-format I felt like you lost a sense of me.
My name is Kira. I am 26, married to a fabulous husband who is 27. I'm a Pisces and while I don't really believe astrology, it kind of fits me perfectly. People pleaser, loves the water, sensitive yada yada yada. I have a soft spot for hot shoes (designer knock-offs usually since I can't afford Stuart Weitzman all the time) and cute jewelery (think Claire's) I love horseback riding, singing and my three pembroke welsh corgis. I grew up outside of Seattle and moved to Colorado for college, got married and haven't been able to leave (yet).
I was married back On October 7th, 2007 to my "Teddybear", Scott :) We were young by today's standards (Me 22, he 23) although at that point we had been together for 4 years.
In August 2009 we decided to start TTC. (For all those doctors blaming women for waiting to long to start a family, I tried starting young and it hasn't gotten me anywhere) I gave away my horse so we could focus financially on preparing for a family. 6 months of charting showed no change in temperature, and my OBGYN refused to refer me to a specialist until we had tried for a year. I decided to get a second opinions and went to specialist anyway. They looked at my charts, ran a LOT of bloodwork, and vaginal ultrasounds (Gooooood morning!) and determined I was not ovulating. They started 100mg of Clomid... without a change.
They added an hCg injection to induce ovulation for the June/July cycle of 2010 and for the first time, we got pregnant. We shouted it from the rooftops, announced on facebook and called up the grandparents-to-be. However, within the week we found out the the hormones weren't doubling, and were told (after two vaginal ultrasounds) that we were going to lose the pregnancy. My doctor decided not to schedule a D&C and instead wait for nature to take its course. While probably wise medical advice, it was hard to sit and wait for bleeding to start.
(Equally hard was the lack of support found in Scott's parents who were "relieved" because they don't support us starting a family... but that's been vented in other posts)
I was finishing up my degree in Veterinary Technology at the time, doing rounds at the local veterinary teaching hospital. I took a week off to lie in bed crying and avoid interacting with people when we got the diagnosis, then returned determined to just focus on finishing and graduating.
I also decided (overnight) to move to my home state of Washington. I lined up a job and a place to live when I finished school in August, and in September 2010 I packed up my three dogs and drove halfway across the country to my fresh start. This fresh start wasn't all it was cracked up to be, Scott was stuck in Colorado trying to sublease our house, and the job I got wasn't the best fit. By mid October, exactly 1 month after getting there, my job was done. I took a week, moved in with my mom to regroup. Applied to a job back in Colorado and got the interview. Loaded up my car again (with three dogs!) and drove back again and got the job!
I guess the good news is I still had a house to come back to, and had a place to unload. Of course as awesome as the job was, it was just a temporary position and ended in February 2011 and I have not been able to find another job since.
After moving back in Mid-October 2010 I reconnected with some great friends, one of them being Elizabeth who introduced me to her new roommate Rachel. Over lunch at Panera one day Rachel and I got to talking about my infertility. She asked me if Scott and I had ever considered surrogacy. At that point Scott and I had had two friends offer to be surrogates, but both times it had been off-the-cuff and there is a lot to consider. So I told Rachel yes, but not really. Then she told me that she had been wanting to be a surrogate, had put a lot of thought into it, and offered to be one for Scott and I. I went home that night and talked about it with Scott. I googled. (My search results were unhelpful to be perfectly honest) I prayed. A lot.
The whole way, faith has played a big role in our desires to be parents. And it continues to be. But no amount of prayers or tears has given me some kind of direct memo from God so I continue to try my best to discern His plan for our life. We are currently catecumins in the Eastern Orthodox Church (meaning we are learning about the faith and what it means to be a member)
And yes, we have considered adoption. But there is a lot to consider, and a lot of requirements, some of which Scott and I would not meet per the State of Colorado and/or local adoption agencies. So for us, at this time, adoption wasn't right. But I applaud all those who bravely go down that path and perhaps one day we will too.
After I had moved back in October we did pick up TTC, doing Clomid and hCg injections without success. My doctor finally scheduled an HSG... that showed nothing. I was really disappointed, if we couldn't find out what is wrong, we couldn't fix it.
So back to Rachel. There was much discussion, and of course the contract, but we officially began attempting a Traditional Surrogacy in February of 2011. We chose Traditional Surrogacy (where it is Scott's sperm and Rachel's egg) over Gestational Surrogacy (IVF of embryo[s] formed via my egg and Scott's sperm) because we were not comfortable with the ethical dilemmas associated with IVF (What to do with extra embryos) and honestly, because of the cost associated with IVF. We aren't rich, and frankly I don't think you need to be super-wealthy to be a good parent, but the fact is IVF is very expensive. (I don't judge people who pursue IVF, it just wasn't right for us)
February's attempt to impregnate (I hate that word but I'm not sure what word to use in its place) Rachel didn't take, and March ended up being a wash because Scott was out of town for work and was not in town to deposit his "sample" when Rachel was ovulating. (I should mention that we could not find a doctor in our town willing to work with a surrogate so until we find a doctor to perform an IUI we are doing ICI at home, also referd to as the "turkey baster" method)
I cannot describe how crazy it is that we met Rachel when we did, that Rachel and I would connect like we did. I very rarely make such statements, but I believe God brought us together.
And this blog, is about our path into surrogacy. You can check out Rachel's blog by clicking the link on the right side of the page. She is super awesome, amazing, intelligent, witty... I could go on and on but you'll have to check it out for yourself. :)
And on a final note, I am working to lose weight. My whole life I have struggled with my weight, and an eating disorder of food addiction. In late February of 2011 I realized I had hit 250 pounds wearing a size 20 pant, and was scared sh*tless. My dad and his whole side of the family has struggled with weight and I have seen the long-term side effects of cancer, heart disease etc and I do NOT want that to be me. So I am trying my darnedest to be Paleo (a diet based on anthropological study of what people naturally eat as hunter/gatherers) and trying to increase my exercise. I have dropped one pant size (Yay!) and am determined to get down to single-digit-pants! (Although that is a long term goal, one that may not be reached for a year)
So read, comment, and please let me know if there is anything you want to know, or if I should change anything about my blog to make it more reader friendly :)
My name is Kira. I am 26, married to a fabulous husband who is 27. I'm a Pisces and while I don't really believe astrology, it kind of fits me perfectly. People pleaser, loves the water, sensitive yada yada yada. I have a soft spot for hot shoes (designer knock-offs usually since I can't afford Stuart Weitzman all the time) and cute jewelery (think Claire's) I love horseback riding, singing and my three pembroke welsh corgis. I grew up outside of Seattle and moved to Colorado for college, got married and haven't been able to leave (yet).
I was married back On October 7th, 2007 to my "Teddybear", Scott :) We were young by today's standards (Me 22, he 23) although at that point we had been together for 4 years.
In August 2009 we decided to start TTC. (For all those doctors blaming women for waiting to long to start a family, I tried starting young and it hasn't gotten me anywhere) I gave away my horse so we could focus financially on preparing for a family. 6 months of charting showed no change in temperature, and my OBGYN refused to refer me to a specialist until we had tried for a year. I decided to get a second opinions and went to specialist anyway. They looked at my charts, ran a LOT of bloodwork, and vaginal ultrasounds (Gooooood morning!) and determined I was not ovulating. They started 100mg of Clomid... without a change.
They added an hCg injection to induce ovulation for the June/July cycle of 2010 and for the first time, we got pregnant. We shouted it from the rooftops, announced on facebook and called up the grandparents-to-be. However, within the week we found out the the hormones weren't doubling, and were told (after two vaginal ultrasounds) that we were going to lose the pregnancy. My doctor decided not to schedule a D&C and instead wait for nature to take its course. While probably wise medical advice, it was hard to sit and wait for bleeding to start.
(Equally hard was the lack of support found in Scott's parents who were "relieved" because they don't support us starting a family... but that's been vented in other posts)
I was finishing up my degree in Veterinary Technology at the time, doing rounds at the local veterinary teaching hospital. I took a week off to lie in bed crying and avoid interacting with people when we got the diagnosis, then returned determined to just focus on finishing and graduating.
I also decided (overnight) to move to my home state of Washington. I lined up a job and a place to live when I finished school in August, and in September 2010 I packed up my three dogs and drove halfway across the country to my fresh start. This fresh start wasn't all it was cracked up to be, Scott was stuck in Colorado trying to sublease our house, and the job I got wasn't the best fit. By mid October, exactly 1 month after getting there, my job was done. I took a week, moved in with my mom to regroup. Applied to a job back in Colorado and got the interview. Loaded up my car again (with three dogs!) and drove back again and got the job!
I guess the good news is I still had a house to come back to, and had a place to unload. Of course as awesome as the job was, it was just a temporary position and ended in February 2011 and I have not been able to find another job since.
After moving back in Mid-October 2010 I reconnected with some great friends, one of them being Elizabeth who introduced me to her new roommate Rachel. Over lunch at Panera one day Rachel and I got to talking about my infertility. She asked me if Scott and I had ever considered surrogacy. At that point Scott and I had had two friends offer to be surrogates, but both times it had been off-the-cuff and there is a lot to consider. So I told Rachel yes, but not really. Then she told me that she had been wanting to be a surrogate, had put a lot of thought into it, and offered to be one for Scott and I. I went home that night and talked about it with Scott. I googled. (My search results were unhelpful to be perfectly honest) I prayed. A lot.
The whole way, faith has played a big role in our desires to be parents. And it continues to be. But no amount of prayers or tears has given me some kind of direct memo from God so I continue to try my best to discern His plan for our life. We are currently catecumins in the Eastern Orthodox Church (meaning we are learning about the faith and what it means to be a member)
And yes, we have considered adoption. But there is a lot to consider, and a lot of requirements, some of which Scott and I would not meet per the State of Colorado and/or local adoption agencies. So for us, at this time, adoption wasn't right. But I applaud all those who bravely go down that path and perhaps one day we will too.
After I had moved back in October we did pick up TTC, doing Clomid and hCg injections without success. My doctor finally scheduled an HSG... that showed nothing. I was really disappointed, if we couldn't find out what is wrong, we couldn't fix it.
So back to Rachel. There was much discussion, and of course the contract, but we officially began attempting a Traditional Surrogacy in February of 2011. We chose Traditional Surrogacy (where it is Scott's sperm and Rachel's egg) over Gestational Surrogacy (IVF of embryo[s] formed via my egg and Scott's sperm) because we were not comfortable with the ethical dilemmas associated with IVF (What to do with extra embryos) and honestly, because of the cost associated with IVF. We aren't rich, and frankly I don't think you need to be super-wealthy to be a good parent, but the fact is IVF is very expensive. (I don't judge people who pursue IVF, it just wasn't right for us)
February's attempt to impregnate (I hate that word but I'm not sure what word to use in its place) Rachel didn't take, and March ended up being a wash because Scott was out of town for work and was not in town to deposit his "sample" when Rachel was ovulating. (I should mention that we could not find a doctor in our town willing to work with a surrogate so until we find a doctor to perform an IUI we are doing ICI at home, also referd to as the "turkey baster" method)
I cannot describe how crazy it is that we met Rachel when we did, that Rachel and I would connect like we did. I very rarely make such statements, but I believe God brought us together.
And this blog, is about our path into surrogacy. You can check out Rachel's blog by clicking the link on the right side of the page. She is super awesome, amazing, intelligent, witty... I could go on and on but you'll have to check it out for yourself. :)
And on a final note, I am working to lose weight. My whole life I have struggled with my weight, and an eating disorder of food addiction. In late February of 2011 I realized I had hit 250 pounds wearing a size 20 pant, and was scared sh*tless. My dad and his whole side of the family has struggled with weight and I have seen the long-term side effects of cancer, heart disease etc and I do NOT want that to be me. So I am trying my darnedest to be Paleo (a diet based on anthropological study of what people naturally eat as hunter/gatherers) and trying to increase my exercise. I have dropped one pant size (Yay!) and am determined to get down to single-digit-pants! (Although that is a long term goal, one that may not be reached for a year)
So read, comment, and please let me know if there is anything you want to know, or if I should change anything about my blog to make it more reader friendly :)
"Mutual Friend"
Can I start by saying how honestly and truly tired I am of having to write on this subject. But as it continues to come up in my household it continues to be at the forfront of my mind and so it is what I end up writing about.
I was made aware today that my roommate denies reading my blog, but that a "mutual friend" does and then passes on the topics I talk about to her.
I was really surprised to learn this. So this message is meant for whoever this person may be. If you don't agree with me, I would greatly appreciate you approaching me and talking with me about it. I'm not interested in having a bunch of "yes men" pretending to support me while not actually supporting me. Scott and I had a discussion today where he didn't agree with something and while I was surprised I would rather he be honest with me then lie to me. Sometimes it is a simple matter of clarifying something, and sometimes it means agreeing to disagree. But either way, I would like to talk to you. It's what friends do.
On the fertility front, I'm anxious for Rachel to hit cycle day one so we can start planning for the next cycle. And I hope to get to hang out with her, due to scheduling we haven't gotten to hang out at all and I miss her! *Squoze hug* to my wonderful friend!
And on the silly front, we are coming to the end of season one of Star Trek and I'm looking forward to season two. I'm becoming an addict, I can tell :D But don't worry, I wont consider naming my baby Spock or anything. Although I did jokingly "yell" at my dad for him not showing us these episodes growing up (we watched all kinds of old TV shows, does anybody remember the black-and-white Zorro show??) but not Star Trek. He laughed and said that even when they came out and were the best of the technology, it was still cheesy. I explained that is what is so fun about it! Oh we had a good laugh...
I was made aware today that my roommate denies reading my blog, but that a "mutual friend" does and then passes on the topics I talk about to her.
I was really surprised to learn this. So this message is meant for whoever this person may be. If you don't agree with me, I would greatly appreciate you approaching me and talking with me about it. I'm not interested in having a bunch of "yes men" pretending to support me while not actually supporting me. Scott and I had a discussion today where he didn't agree with something and while I was surprised I would rather he be honest with me then lie to me. Sometimes it is a simple matter of clarifying something, and sometimes it means agreeing to disagree. But either way, I would like to talk to you. It's what friends do.
On the fertility front, I'm anxious for Rachel to hit cycle day one so we can start planning for the next cycle. And I hope to get to hang out with her, due to scheduling we haven't gotten to hang out at all and I miss her! *Squoze hug* to my wonderful friend!
And on the silly front, we are coming to the end of season one of Star Trek and I'm looking forward to season two. I'm becoming an addict, I can tell :D But don't worry, I wont consider naming my baby Spock or anything. Although I did jokingly "yell" at my dad for him not showing us these episodes growing up (we watched all kinds of old TV shows, does anybody remember the black-and-white Zorro show??) but not Star Trek. He laughed and said that even when they came out and were the best of the technology, it was still cheesy. I explained that is what is so fun about it! Oh we had a good laugh...
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Strangest Goody-Bag
Today (well, I guess since it's 1:30 in the morning it was technically yesterday) I got Rachel an OPK, some Vitamin B6, Robitussin (to thin the cervical mucus) some of my leftover folic acid and low-dose aspirin (to prevent clots in the endometrial lining)... aaaand a scented candle! In a cute little paper bag. :)
Because, ya know, nothing says "here's hoping you get knocked up" like random bottles of pills, things to pee on and something to light on fire.
I can't just get her randome awkward crap. Like my last "present"? Two boxes of HPT's... and a cutesy balloon. I wonder what it's gonna be next time?
It probably seems stupid or lame, but I just want to express my absolute astonishment and love for her. That anyone, especially someone I have known so for such a short time, would be willing to try to do such an amazing, wonderful thing for Scott and me. She is an answer to so many, countless prayers.
And I dunno... I think this month is going to work. Strangely enough ALL of the surrogacy blogs I have read, the first time didn't work but the second try did. And there is something about THIS month... being the due date for my lost baby. And putting the due date in December... which is Scott's birthday. (He hates it, because it gets forgotten a lot because of the Holidays- but come on, wouldn't it be the best Christmas present ever???) It just seems like something is going to work. Has to work.
And when it does, there shall be much celebration.
Because, ya know, nothing says "here's hoping you get knocked up" like random bottles of pills, things to pee on and something to light on fire.
I can't just get her randome awkward crap. Like my last "present"? Two boxes of HPT's... and a cutesy balloon. I wonder what it's gonna be next time?
It probably seems stupid or lame, but I just want to express my absolute astonishment and love for her. That anyone, especially someone I have known so for such a short time, would be willing to try to do such an amazing, wonderful thing for Scott and me. She is an answer to so many, countless prayers.
And I dunno... I think this month is going to work. Strangely enough ALL of the surrogacy blogs I have read, the first time didn't work but the second try did. And there is something about THIS month... being the due date for my lost baby. And putting the due date in December... which is Scott's birthday. (He hates it, because it gets forgotten a lot because of the Holidays- but come on, wouldn't it be the best Christmas present ever???) It just seems like something is going to work. Has to work.
And when it does, there shall be much celebration.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Surviving the snow
For all of you worried about me and Rachel on the roads last night - we survived! Actually the interstate was pretty clear by the time we were on it. AWESOME CONCERT. Ryan Bingham and the Dead Horses, and opened by The Silent Comedy (which was so good I bought their CD) and Liam Gerner. Juts a single guy and his guitar from South Australia but he was good too! Any-who, Ryan was still going strong at 12:30 so us old folks decided to head out early because we were tiiiiiiired. (Hey, we had been standing in that theater since 8:30. That's 4 solid hours of standing,. Plus we had an hour drive home)
Of course Rachel was especially tired... no test has come up positive but she's got all the symptoms she had in her previous pregnancy. We debated between which test brands were the best so I got her a box of EPT and First Response Early Detection. And a balloon. But that's just for fun because it made me smile. :) I've been waffling between excited certainty and cautious realisticness. and to be honest, even once we get a positive test I'm going to be holding my breath until the blood tests show good doubling, and then I'll be on pins and needles until the heartbeat ultrasound... GAH! And I wont really be able to take a deep breath until we are past the first trimester.
Even with all this worry talk, I'm sure I'll be squealing with joy when we do finally get a positive HPT. :)
Waiting, waiting, waiting.... It's the Dr.Seuss book but in real life. And less colorful. At least I have a new CD to distract me :D Seriously, if you like texas-style rocking country, check out their website www.thesilentcomedy.com
Of course Rachel was especially tired... no test has come up positive but she's got all the symptoms she had in her previous pregnancy. We debated between which test brands were the best so I got her a box of EPT and First Response Early Detection. And a balloon. But that's just for fun because it made me smile. :) I've been waffling between excited certainty and cautious realisticness. and to be honest, even once we get a positive test I'm going to be holding my breath until the blood tests show good doubling, and then I'll be on pins and needles until the heartbeat ultrasound... GAH! And I wont really be able to take a deep breath until we are past the first trimester.
Even with all this worry talk, I'm sure I'll be squealing with joy when we do finally get a positive HPT. :)
Waiting, waiting, waiting.... It's the Dr.Seuss book but in real life. And less colorful. At least I have a new CD to distract me :D Seriously, if you like texas-style rocking country, check out their website www.thesilentcomedy.com
Friday, February 25, 2011
MEH
Scott didn't get home yesterday. It's a long story but he got stuck up in Wyoming and while he hopes to get home today, there are no guarantees. But I know I married a good man - two of his crew that he is supervisor of were with him, and only one needed to stay so he sent those two home. As much as he really dislikes his job he has a strong sense of work ethics and practices what he preaches. We got hit with snow last night so pray that he gets home safely!
And on another note about the stupid snow: Rachel and I are supposed to go to Denver tonight for a concert. Hello, roads, we need to drive over an hour south on you! It's not just that it snowed. In Colorado we get snow. A lot more snow than we even got last night. The problem is it was warm for a few days so when the snow first fell it melted.... and now there is ice beneath that snow. And the couple days of warm weather is surely to have made a lot of people forget how to drive in snow and ice and there are going to be a lot of morons out there to contend with.
Rachels test this morning was negative. Which I know doesn't really mean anything, but I must admit I was secretly really hoping for a positive even this ridiculously early. We still have over a week before her expected cycle day 1 so lots of time to hang out on my pins-and-needle. Joy.
(On a side note, I wish people were like cats. None of this once-a-month business. They go through months of "fertile periods" and because they are induced ovulaters, stimulation of the vagina causes them to drop eggs like confetti on parade. Ok, I don't want a litter, but you get my gist)
And to top it off I had a crummy conversation with my mom Wednesday night that has been percolating in the back of my head and am only now thinking of all the things I wished I had said.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She always has good intentions. She always wanted the best for her kids. But I'm just going to go ahead and admit that I'm a "daddy's girl". Not in the obnoxious spoiled way, but my dad is super laid back and doesn't tend to get worked up very easily. My mom on the other hand gets very passionate about stuff and sometimes in her enthusiasm for something doesn't think through the implications of her questioning. On Wednesday, my mom started in with the "are you sure you really want kids? They scream and cry, are you ready to be up all night with a crying baby, because you know Scott will need to sleep because he has to go to work" etc etc.
Now, I realize that some things about parenting cannot be fathomed or appreciated until you are one. But I have been a nanny. And my roommate has a 2-year-old and when we moved in together her daughter was just 6 months old, and before that we were neighbors when her child was born. So while it's not my child, I know about diapers, groceries, and sick and fussy babies. A friend just yesterday introduced me to Resolve. How I have I been IF for a year and a half without finding this source in all my random infertility googeling??? If you don't know what it is, check out this link specifically for friends and family of infertile people:
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/
Now how do I share this link with my mom without coming across as a terrible daughter? I know she says this stuff because she cares, but I can't figure out how to tell her how much it HURTS. (Partially because she will get upset, and then make some statement like "Well then I just wont say anything" which is just annoying)
Just so you people don't think we have a terrible relationship I will now list some of my best mom-daughter memories from my childhood:
-she made me a Belle costume from Beauty and the Beast. My neighbor friends mom also made her one but mine was SO MUCH BETTER. My mom is really excellent at sewing.
-she taught me how to cook: she always welcomed me in the kitchen even though I sometimes made big messes and ruined food (let's not talk about the time I "marinated" really good steak in straight cayenne pepper...)
-she took me to disneyland. A lot. When I know she would have rather taken me to Australia or something but me being a kid thought that theme park was way cooler than any exotic country.
-she also took me to exotic countries. Hello Bahamas! I must admit I didn't appreciate that trip as much as I should have, again being young and ignorant.
-she never missed a show. I was heavily involved in choirs and plays starting in junior high. And she was always there cheering me on, usually with flowers. (My dad was/is a workaholic so he often was late or missed them altogether)
-my mom let me grow up. I had a friend who's mom was still dressing her in little-girl clothes in 5th grade. My mom took me to the mall and taught me how to apply makeup without looking trashy. It was all age-appropriate, but she showed me high heels and cute clothes.
There are a lot more, but that is what came to mind first. So all that to say, don't judge me for venting a bit on my own blog. I love my mom but she also knows exactly what buttons to push on me to frustrate the ever-living-daylight out of me.
And on another note about the stupid snow: Rachel and I are supposed to go to Denver tonight for a concert. Hello, roads, we need to drive over an hour south on you! It's not just that it snowed. In Colorado we get snow. A lot more snow than we even got last night. The problem is it was warm for a few days so when the snow first fell it melted.... and now there is ice beneath that snow. And the couple days of warm weather is surely to have made a lot of people forget how to drive in snow and ice and there are going to be a lot of morons out there to contend with.
Rachels test this morning was negative. Which I know doesn't really mean anything, but I must admit I was secretly really hoping for a positive even this ridiculously early. We still have over a week before her expected cycle day 1 so lots of time to hang out on my pins-and-needle. Joy.
(On a side note, I wish people were like cats. None of this once-a-month business. They go through months of "fertile periods" and because they are induced ovulaters, stimulation of the vagina causes them to drop eggs like confetti on parade. Ok, I don't want a litter, but you get my gist)
And to top it off I had a crummy conversation with my mom Wednesday night that has been percolating in the back of my head and am only now thinking of all the things I wished I had said.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She always has good intentions. She always wanted the best for her kids. But I'm just going to go ahead and admit that I'm a "daddy's girl". Not in the obnoxious spoiled way, but my dad is super laid back and doesn't tend to get worked up very easily. My mom on the other hand gets very passionate about stuff and sometimes in her enthusiasm for something doesn't think through the implications of her questioning. On Wednesday, my mom started in with the "are you sure you really want kids? They scream and cry, are you ready to be up all night with a crying baby, because you know Scott will need to sleep because he has to go to work" etc etc.
Now, I realize that some things about parenting cannot be fathomed or appreciated until you are one. But I have been a nanny. And my roommate has a 2-year-old and when we moved in together her daughter was just 6 months old, and before that we were neighbors when her child was born. So while it's not my child, I know about diapers, groceries, and sick and fussy babies. A friend just yesterday introduced me to Resolve. How I have I been IF for a year and a half without finding this source in all my random infertility googeling??? If you don't know what it is, check out this link specifically for friends and family of infertile people:
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/
Now how do I share this link with my mom without coming across as a terrible daughter? I know she says this stuff because she cares, but I can't figure out how to tell her how much it HURTS. (Partially because she will get upset, and then make some statement like "Well then I just wont say anything" which is just annoying)
Just so you people don't think we have a terrible relationship I will now list some of my best mom-daughter memories from my childhood:
-she made me a Belle costume from Beauty and the Beast. My neighbor friends mom also made her one but mine was SO MUCH BETTER. My mom is really excellent at sewing.
-she taught me how to cook: she always welcomed me in the kitchen even though I sometimes made big messes and ruined food (let's not talk about the time I "marinated" really good steak in straight cayenne pepper...)
-she took me to disneyland. A lot. When I know she would have rather taken me to Australia or something but me being a kid thought that theme park was way cooler than any exotic country.
-she also took me to exotic countries. Hello Bahamas! I must admit I didn't appreciate that trip as much as I should have, again being young and ignorant.
-she never missed a show. I was heavily involved in choirs and plays starting in junior high. And she was always there cheering me on, usually with flowers. (My dad was/is a workaholic so he often was late or missed them altogether)
-my mom let me grow up. I had a friend who's mom was still dressing her in little-girl clothes in 5th grade. My mom took me to the mall and taught me how to apply makeup without looking trashy. It was all age-appropriate, but she showed me high heels and cute clothes.
There are a lot more, but that is what came to mind first. So all that to say, don't judge me for venting a bit on my own blog. I love my mom but she also knows exactly what buttons to push on me to frustrate the ever-living-daylight out of me.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Near and Far
I was being a nerd and looking at my "stats" tab and was absolutely AMAZED by the places people are reading my blog from. US (well, ok, duh), Canada (Hello neighbors! I had great summers up there!) The UK (I've only been to Scotland but very much enjoyed myself and hope to travel more someday) but THEN: Australia, South Africa and South Korea!? I know that infertility strikes regardless of race or country but I am absolutely blown away. I suddenly feel this pressure, like "wow, if all these people are stumbling onto my blog, I hope it is what they thought it was. I hope it helps them. I hope it touches them" I always knew I wanted to write this blog to reach out and touch others. But seeing as how it's not even a month old I would never have expected that kind of range of an audience. Welcome, Welcome! Grab a comfy chair, a drink, a brownie and chat a bit. Comments really are welcomed and encouraged so I know you are out there!
And now onto the real post:
Today I had coffee with my friend L. She and I met while in school and while we are very different people our shared love of animal medicine and particularly animal nutrition has lead to a good friendship. Today was the first time I had seen her since Scott and I decided on surrogacy, so I of course told her. She was very excited and inquisitive about the process and how it all works. And then she said the magical prophetic words. "I think it's going to work. And I think it's going to be a girl."
Now, on one hand, who is to say she is right or wrong besides God, and his fax machine still doesn't seem to be working so I haven't been getting direct messages from him. Only time will really tell if Rachel/us gest pregnant, and what gender it will be. But hearing someone else say with such confidence that we will have a good outcome is incredibly exciting. Probably more exciting than it should be for a sane person. And then I have these thoughts of "You haven't gotten pregnant in a year and a half. What makes you think that this will work?" and then I start worrying that I'm doing the masochistic-setting-myself-up-for-failure-thing. I keep wanting to text Rachel and ask "Did you take a test yet?!?!" but I know that 1-she only just ovulated Monday. If an embryo did form, it may not have even implanted yet. So a test very well may not work. and 2-if Rachel had taken a test, and gotten a positive, I KNOW she would have called me or at the very least texted me or something.
So it's a stupid question.
But I keep thinking it. I keep wishing there was something I could do or say to help Rachel out because I know she is just as excited and anticipatory as I am, but even after a year of two-week-waits, I got nuttin'.
At least Scott should be home tonight from working in Wyoming all week, so I will have someone to talk to besides the dogs. *looks around the room* I probably should start cleaning so he doesn't think I just blog all day....
And now onto the real post:
Today I had coffee with my friend L. She and I met while in school and while we are very different people our shared love of animal medicine and particularly animal nutrition has lead to a good friendship. Today was the first time I had seen her since Scott and I decided on surrogacy, so I of course told her. She was very excited and inquisitive about the process and how it all works. And then she said the magical prophetic words. "I think it's going to work. And I think it's going to be a girl."
Now, on one hand, who is to say she is right or wrong besides God, and his fax machine still doesn't seem to be working so I haven't been getting direct messages from him. Only time will really tell if Rachel/us gest pregnant, and what gender it will be. But hearing someone else say with such confidence that we will have a good outcome is incredibly exciting. Probably more exciting than it should be for a sane person. And then I have these thoughts of "You haven't gotten pregnant in a year and a half. What makes you think that this will work?" and then I start worrying that I'm doing the masochistic-setting-myself-up-for-failure-thing. I keep wanting to text Rachel and ask "Did you take a test yet?!?!" but I know that 1-she only just ovulated Monday. If an embryo did form, it may not have even implanted yet. So a test very well may not work. and 2-if Rachel had taken a test, and gotten a positive, I KNOW she would have called me or at the very least texted me or something.
So it's a stupid question.
But I keep thinking it. I keep wishing there was something I could do or say to help Rachel out because I know she is just as excited and anticipatory as I am, but even after a year of two-week-waits, I got nuttin'.
At least Scott should be home tonight from working in Wyoming all week, so I will have someone to talk to besides the dogs. *looks around the room* I probably should start cleaning so he doesn't think I just blog all day....
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Two sides to the coin
Hey, I figured that while some people have found Rachel's blog, others may be sitting there thinking "This Rachel girl sounds super awesome-amazing and fun! I wish I knew what her blog was!" Well people; your wish is my command, your dreams are coming true, you're getting the flip side of this coin.
http://traditionalsurrogacy.blogspot.com
On a side note, I know for a fact that Rachel is nervous for this weekend. I surprisingly, am not. I feel really calm and confident. I'm impatient as all get-out, but not really worried. Which is amazing because duck-liner that I am, usually if there is something to worry about (and even times when there is nothing to worry about) I will worry about it. To death. I dunno, I think it's gonna work.
So go cheer her up people!
http://traditionalsurrogacy.blogspot.com
On a side note, I know for a fact that Rachel is nervous for this weekend. I surprisingly, am not. I feel really calm and confident. I'm impatient as all get-out, but not really worried. Which is amazing because duck-liner that I am, usually if there is something to worry about (and even times when there is nothing to worry about) I will worry about it. To death. I dunno, I think it's gonna work.
So go cheer her up people!
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