A longer update

So we found out what is wrong with my car (it got dropped off at the shop on Friday)  The catalytic converter is dead.  The mechanics quotes $750 to replace it.  But Scott swears he can replace it and the part will be about $200.  But that means it still wont get fixed until a minimum of Friday. 

Scott is in Wyoming for work for the week.  He's hoping to be home Thursday, but it may not be until Friday.  My birthday is Friday so I really do hope he is home by then. (26 for those of you who care.)

Had a really great time with my mom.  The tour at Celestial Seasonings was fun and really interesting. We shopped and then headed home.

Sunday we had breakfast with Rachel (yay Snooze!), which I think went pretty well... I'm still waiting to get Rachel's impression of my mom lol.  Then church (she didn't like the incense, it bothered her eyes but seemed to overall like it.) and more shopping (got a grand total of: 1 new pair of earrings, 1 new necklace, 1 pair of shoes and a purse) Scott got home that evening from the wildfire outside of Boulder for dinner and some dessert a la Whole Foods. 

Monday I drove Scott to his office so I would have the truck, mom and I had brunch and went for a walk along the Poudre River with my friend Bee.  It was a nice chance to walk the dogs and talk with a good friend :)    We got to the airport in time and I dropped her off.

I then bawled like a baby. 

I mean, I'm feeling all overwhelmed and stressed out that we missed all opportunity of pregnancy with Rachel this month, my roommate has raised the tension in our house to the breaking point, I'm facing my EDD of the baby we lost, AND I started my period (hello emotions!)  And my hubby is out of town and I'm always sad when I drop people off at the airport...

Mostly I just want to curl up and drink the yummy tea I got from the CS tour (sleepytime vanilla.  AH-mazing!) and eat a lot of chocolate.

On the upside I just got a phone call from my sister-in-law A.  I love her her so much, she has been unfailingly supportive of Scott and I, and she is one of the few people that understands the intricacies of my family and we can gossip back and forth about what's new in the family. (I hate to admit that I gossip... but I can't really call it anything else)

And of course my dear friend T who I spend 90% of my day with has been wonderful to keep me from being too lonely, and we rented the first DVD's of the original Star Trek and the cheesyness and eyeshadow are pretty darn amusing. (I'm all for guy-liner and male-polish, but eyeshadow is a bit much for the entire male crew lol)

Quick Update

Just a quick update:

Scott finally got home tonight from the fire.  He leaves for middle-of-nowhere-Whyoming tomorrow at 3:30am and will be gone for the week.  I'm glad he is safe and that he got to be out on a fire but am sad I have gotten so little time and also that we will completely miss Rachel's ovulation this month.  If only there was a local fertility clinic that would do IUIs with surrogates *sigh*

Time with mom has been a BLAST.  My car was acting up though on Friday so I had to drop it off at the mechanics for the weekend.  Luckily between my friend T and using Scott's truck I've survived. (gas guzzler that it is...) We've been SO busy though I've barely been home for more then a few hours to sleep and take care of the dogs, although I'll admit I'm not really complaining, it's been nice to be out of the house.  With Scott being gone this week I'll be suddenly very much alone in this house... so if you find yourself being imposed upon as I invite myself to all your shindigs, I apologize. 

Ok, I promise a longer post later.  Now I need to get some sleep before I have to drop Scott off at work at 3 in the morning.

All These Thoughts and No Place To Go

So I feel like I should write something new.  As usual, there is a lot going on but I'm not sure how to organize it.

First off, my mom is coming this weekend.  I absolutely love her, but we have our issues (what family doesn't???) so I am both very excited and wary.  She is getting in Saturday morning.  We will grab lunch, and then go tour the Celestial Seasonings in Boulder, and hopefully some of my friends will meet us there so she can meet friends, and it takes a bit of the load off me.  (Too much one-on-one can be baaaad)  Then she is set on buying me new jeans since I've lost weight and can now take off my jeans without unbuttoning them (Yay for losing fat!) so as long as we are in Boulder I'm thinking we will hop on over to the Flatirons Mall, which is the biggest nicest mall that I know of here in Colorado.  Sunday morning is church, (I can see her both hating or loving the Orthodox church so I'm not sure what to expect there) and then we will have lunch with Scott's mom in Cheyenne (what an interesting coincidence that she is in Cheyenne this weekend).  I'm nervous for the lunch.  I like seeing Darleen but there is a certain amount of hurt because of her reaction to our miscarriage, and also some awkwardness since we have to go through her every time we want to withdraw from Scott's trust account. (I don't know any married couple that likes sharing the details of their financial life with their parents/in-laws) And my mom said that having lunch with her would be a nice "political" move.  WTF?!  Am I going to need to call in some secret service or something?  I am kind of dreading what my mom may say...  Then Sunday evening we are going to a movie with Rachel so my mom can meet her.  I'm actually really excited for that, I think they will hit it off.  Monday is potentially a small hike (weather permitting) and maybe going to the Ansel Adam's exhibit at the tiny local museum.  Then she get's on a plane and heads back to Washington. 

(All that was so whoever in blogland feels like stalking me, now you can!  Er... wait, please don't.  Message me and we can set up a time to meet for coffee or something, but walking 10 yards behind me the whole weekend would be weird)

Then there is a bunch of crap going on with Scott's job.  He almost got fired, but instead they put him on two days of unpaid suspension.  He doesn't want to go back but I told him he has to without another job lined up.  So he went a-job-hunting this morning... and then a friend took him to the Budweiser Brewery tour and got him drunk.  Awesome.  Thanks "friend".  But at least he's feeling more relaxed then he has sounded in the last 24 hours.

(Scott likes beer, he home brews, but he very rarely ever gets drunk so don't think this is a regular occurrence or anything)

So, I spent the morning working on my resume and thinking of places to send it.  This town sucks for my field but it is really more than high time I get to working on finding a new job.

And I've been working on figuring out where we will stay when our lease ends.  Since we had planned to move to Washington I don't really have a great plan for where to move here in Colorado.  For a LONG list of reasons we wont renew our lease with our roommate.  Aggressive dogs, she's pregnant, and oh did I mention she stole a tea kettle the other day??? We searched all over the kitchen and even asked her point blank if she had seen it and she said no.  But on Tuesday it was sighted in her closet.... can you grow up PLEASE?  You passive-aggressive freak.  *sigh*

Needless to say it has been a very weird week.

MEH

Scott didn't get home yesterday.  It's a long story but he got stuck up in Wyoming and while he hopes to get home today, there are no guarantees.  But I know I married a good man - two of his crew that he is supervisor of were with him, and only one needed to stay so he sent those two home.  As much as he really dislikes his job he has a strong sense of work ethics and practices what he preaches.  We got hit with snow last night so pray that he gets home safely!

And on another note about the stupid snow: Rachel and I are supposed to go to Denver tonight for a concert.  Hello, roads, we need to drive over an hour south on you!  It's not just that it snowed.  In Colorado we get snow.  A lot more snow than we even got last night.  The problem is it was warm for a few days so when the snow first fell it melted.... and now there is ice beneath that snow.  And the couple days of warm weather is surely to have made a lot of people forget how to drive in snow and ice and there are going to be a lot of morons out there to contend with.

Rachels test this morning was negative.  Which I know doesn't really mean anything, but I must admit I was secretly really hoping for a positive even this ridiculously early.  We still have over a week before her expected cycle day 1 so lots of time to hang out on my pins-and-needle.  Joy.
(On a side note, I wish people were like cats.  None of this once-a-month business.  They go through months of "fertile periods" and because they are induced ovulaters, stimulation of the vagina causes them to drop eggs like confetti on parade.  Ok, I don't want a litter, but you get my gist)

And to top it off I had a crummy conversation with my mom Wednesday night that has been percolating in the back of my head and am only now thinking of all the things I wished I had said.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom.  She always has good intentions.  She always wanted the best for her kids.  But I'm just going to go ahead and admit that I'm a "daddy's girl".  Not in the obnoxious spoiled way, but my dad is super laid back and doesn't tend to get worked up very easily.  My mom on the other hand gets very passionate about stuff and sometimes in her enthusiasm for something doesn't think through the implications of her questioning. On Wednesday, my mom started in with the "are you sure you really want kids?  They scream and cry, are you ready to be up all night with a crying baby, because you know Scott will need to sleep because he has to go to work" etc etc. 

Now, I realize that some things about parenting cannot be fathomed or appreciated until you are one.  But I have been a nanny.  And my roommate has a 2-year-old and when we moved in together her daughter was just 6 months old, and before that we were neighbors when her child was born.  So while it's not my child, I know about diapers, groceries, and sick and fussy babies.  A friend just yesterday introduced me to Resolve.  How I have I been IF for a year and a half without finding this source in all my random infertility googeling???  If you don't know what it is, check out this link specifically for friends and family of infertile people:
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/
Now how do I share this link with my mom without coming across as a terrible daughter?  I know she says this stuff because she cares, but I can't figure out how to tell her how much it HURTS.  (Partially because she will get upset, and then make some statement like "Well then I just wont say anything" which is just annoying)

Just so you people don't think we have a terrible relationship I will now list some of my best mom-daughter memories from my childhood:
-she made me a Belle costume from Beauty and the Beast.  My neighbor friends mom also made her one but mine was SO MUCH BETTER.  My mom is really excellent at sewing.
-she taught me how to cook: she always welcomed me in the kitchen even though I sometimes made big messes and ruined food (let's not talk about the time I "marinated" really good steak in straight cayenne pepper...)
-she took me to disneyland.  A lot.  When I know she would have rather taken me to Australia or something but me being a kid thought that theme park was way cooler than any exotic country.
-she also took me to exotic countries.  Hello Bahamas!  I must admit I didn't appreciate that trip as much as I should have, again being young and ignorant.
-she never missed a show.  I was heavily involved in choirs and plays starting in junior high.  And she was always there cheering me on, usually with flowers.  (My dad was/is a workaholic so he often was late or missed them altogether)
-my mom let me grow up.  I had a friend who's mom was still dressing her in little-girl clothes in 5th grade.  My mom took me to the mall and taught me how to apply makeup without looking trashy.  It was all age-appropriate, but she showed me high heels and cute clothes.

There are a lot more, but that is what came to mind first.  So all that to say, don't judge me for venting a bit on my own blog.  I love my mom but she also knows exactly what buttons to push on me to frustrate the ever-living-daylight out of me.

The Controversy of Family

It came up yesterday from a friend, an inquiry.  Why don't I post updates on my Facebook page? 

Most of my family is supportive and even excited.  One person has remained skeptical.  A combination of not be able to comprehend our infertility.  "We have strong genes!  We've never had infertility in the family!" ( I don't even know what strong genes is supposed to mean) and a fear that Rachel will change her mind and we will be one more face on the news about the hoodwinking of surrogacy.  However, this person is slowly coming around as they ask questions.  LOTS of questions.  And hopefully will be fully on board once they meet Rachel.  I am lucky.  To have family and friends that support me, see Scott and I as competent adults able to make a decision.

Unfortunately, Scott is not as lucky.  Most of his family would be supportive.  His mother was adopted for petes sake!.  But his parents?  Well... lets just say they were relieved when we miscarried.  To a certain extent, no matter what our income or living situation, they will never think we are "_______ enough to have a baby".  They will not understand or support our surrogacy.  In fact, I anticipate some real anger and bitterness.

I am friends with Scott's sister on facebook.  I imagine she will be very supportive of our decision... but as she lives in the same town as Scotts parents I also imagine it could easily come up in conversation.  Scott feels it is better in this circumstance to wait until after we have passed the 12 weeks to tell his parents.  As such, my facebook posts have to be... discrete. 

Some blogs I have read would say (Or seem to say) that this is wrong.  That I should be at the forefront of educating.  But I know that in this situation it is not that Scotts parents would take issue if one of their friends pursued surrogacy.  It is the fact that WE are pursuing surrogacy that they will take issue with.  Lets face it, every family is different.  I am trying to respect the dynamic between Scott and his parents.  Especially as they live in another state and we see them a handful of times a year, it makes changing family dynamics difficult if not impossible if the people are not open to the change.  What really upsets me, is that they are going to miss out.  It makes me sad to think that they will miss one-third of the pregnancy of their grandchild.  Quite possibly, a lot more than just that.

Thinking of his parents relief made me think of all the things people said in response to our miscarriage.  Most... were not helpful.  Some, was downright hurtful. I think the hardest thing was the people who said "Oh, something must have been wrong with it.  It must have not been meant to be."  Perhaps if I was a super-scientific person that would be helpful.  The embrio had implanted very low in my uterus, almost on my cervix and the pregnancy probably would have been filled with complications from this.  A very high likelihood of a placental privia.  But as I am someone who believes in God, those statements are really hurtful.  Like God somehow doesn't love people who have a birth defect?  And if it wasn't meant to be, why allow it in the first place?  My roommate was the queen of such offhand and stabbing comments.  I know her intentions were there... but the thought wasn't.  She still holds a grudge on me for my move to Washington.  Like any of that was about her.  Like that didn't put a HUGE strain on my marriage?  Sometimes when I get hit with the emotion of it, I picture myself back in the northwest, on a ferry looking out and seeing the water and the trees.  It helps me to take a deep breath. If the baby I had miscarried had not miscarried, we would be looking forward to it's birth in this March.  As my birthday is also in March, I remember when we got the due date thinking "I hope I still get to celebrate my birthday and people don't make corny comments about the baby being my birthday present" 

I was so foolish to think that we would actually make it there.

The best thing anyone ever said me?  "I think God's sad too.  I don't think He desires things like this to happen.  But part of our fallen nature is sickness, disease, mortality.  I think God is crying too."  For me, that said my emotions were ok.  And it didn't try to place blame on anything.

Infertility is a strange thing.  Most of our lives, especially in this american culture, we are told that if you want something bad enough, and work hard enough, where there's a will there's a way.  But no amount of me wishing, or trying to force my body to do things by medication or the power of thought actually got me anywhere.  My ovaries, and uterus, are not a part of my body I can control as I would my hands or feet. I can't think "ok, ovary, drop that egg into the fallopian tube!"  ...well I could, but it wont accomplish anything like if I thought "hand, drop the clothes into the laundry machine" 

I have struggled my whole life with my weight.  I still vividly remember my mom telling me I was fat in 5th grade.  I look at childhood pictures and really, I don't think I was fat, but I wasn't slim.  I inherited my dad's side, the hefty Swedish side.  My whole life has been about trying to make my body do things it just wont do.  My whole life I have been in a body that didn't work.  Like somewhere deep inside is the real me, with my real body that does what I want it to do, that isn't overweight and if I could just find the zipper so I could get out of this charade of a body, then people would see me for who I really am. 

I know it is all too common for infertiles to feel defeated, at war with their body, betrayed by their body... for me infertility felt (and still does feel) like one more drop in the bucket of a crap body.  So maybe it is a good thing I wont be passing on my genetics.  I wont be passing on a part of my broken and rebellious body. 

I still don't know what "strong genes" means.