Today is the last day of ICLW for February. I have to admit, I'm kind of sad! LOL, probably seems ridiculous but I know I have enjoyed reading others blogs and getting comments here (although so far, no comments here today! I need a reply here people haha) Still nothing in the HPT department for Rachel, but we should know for sure one way or the other in the upcoming week so feel free to keep reading even with ICLW ending. I know I'm going to keep reading a number of new blogs!
On the upside, I have been fairly steady losing weight since last Thursday. I stepped on the scale for the first time in I don't know how long and was pretty shocked and dismayed to see the number at 250lbs. But it was the shot in the arm I needed. I've been changing my eating and trying to walk once a day. Feeling pretty good since changing back to Paleo, and the amazing this was that this morning I was at 245.5lbs. 4.5 pounds in less than a week, now I just need to stick with it and not give into my cravings for crap food. I was cleaning today and pulled out some dresses from high school and can't imagine that I used to fit in them. But that's my goal, to get back in those silly things and make Scott take me somewhere nice for a celebratory dinner. (Sounds only fair to me!)
Wishing good things for March for everyone out there in blogland. It has to be at least somewhat good, it's my birthday! Yay :)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sing a little song
I recently joined my church choir. I sang in multiple choirs in high school, and was involved in all sorts of theater. I forgot how much I enjoy singing.
It has been difficult giving up horseback riding, but I had to do it because we just couldn't afford it. And if we want to be parents, we have to think about where our money is going and what it should be spent on. But that left me feeling... like someone had taken a piece of me. A big piece. Horses have been a part of my life since... before I could walk? My mom took me to some "mommy-and-me-ride" at the park (where they plop the kid on the horse and are walked around by someone on the ground) and the rest is history. Horses are in my blood. Usually I feel fat, uncoordinated, slow. On a horse, I feel graceful, powerful, synchronized. My heart and spirit soar. With my history of panic attacks, and general over-worrying, riding was the one thing I could do when things were bad that would take my mind of my problems. Partly, because riding takes a lot of mental focus and physical disciple so there isn't energy left to think about everything else. Riding was my retreat, where I could rejuvenate.
So since selling my horse and giving up lessons, I've been a bit adrift. I've tried riding friends horses, and while it is fun and I would never turn it down, I get frustrated that I can't pursue the sport like I want to.
So back to joining choir. It was mostly just to get involved in something with Church, get to know people etc. But as I sang today I realized that while it is not the same, this could be my new retreat. When I'm focusing on the notes, my breath and tone, my mind focuses on what is most important. I can explore emotions in a way I can't in just talking to people. So I decided that maybe I could start voice lessons (has to be cheaper than riding lessons, right?) so I called up an old friend who has her masters (maybe a PhD?) in music to ask if she did voice lessons. She said no... but that she does direct a community choir and it is FREE, and invited me to join them Monday nights! I'm very excited and giddy.
There are two things I would say I have a natural talent for. And not trying to brag, but just know that I have a knack for them. The first is riding. And the second is singing. I can't believe I forgot about singing for so long!
So as I wait (im)patiently for a positive test for Rachel, I am going to do something that I enjoy, am good at, and can feel good about me. I realize this post seems to have nothing to do with infertility, but really, I think that as infertiles we often forget to do things just for the FUN of it. So here is hoping you all out there have something you do for fun, to recharge from disappointment and anxiety, and embrace living life.
It has been difficult giving up horseback riding, but I had to do it because we just couldn't afford it. And if we want to be parents, we have to think about where our money is going and what it should be spent on. But that left me feeling... like someone had taken a piece of me. A big piece. Horses have been a part of my life since... before I could walk? My mom took me to some "mommy-and-me-ride" at the park (where they plop the kid on the horse and are walked around by someone on the ground) and the rest is history. Horses are in my blood. Usually I feel fat, uncoordinated, slow. On a horse, I feel graceful, powerful, synchronized. My heart and spirit soar. With my history of panic attacks, and general over-worrying, riding was the one thing I could do when things were bad that would take my mind of my problems. Partly, because riding takes a lot of mental focus and physical disciple so there isn't energy left to think about everything else. Riding was my retreat, where I could rejuvenate.
So since selling my horse and giving up lessons, I've been a bit adrift. I've tried riding friends horses, and while it is fun and I would never turn it down, I get frustrated that I can't pursue the sport like I want to.
So back to joining choir. It was mostly just to get involved in something with Church, get to know people etc. But as I sang today I realized that while it is not the same, this could be my new retreat. When I'm focusing on the notes, my breath and tone, my mind focuses on what is most important. I can explore emotions in a way I can't in just talking to people. So I decided that maybe I could start voice lessons (has to be cheaper than riding lessons, right?) so I called up an old friend who has her masters (maybe a PhD?) in music to ask if she did voice lessons. She said no... but that she does direct a community choir and it is FREE, and invited me to join them Monday nights! I'm very excited and giddy.
There are two things I would say I have a natural talent for. And not trying to brag, but just know that I have a knack for them. The first is riding. And the second is singing. I can't believe I forgot about singing for so long!
So as I wait (im)patiently for a positive test for Rachel, I am going to do something that I enjoy, am good at, and can feel good about me. I realize this post seems to have nothing to do with infertility, but really, I think that as infertiles we often forget to do things just for the FUN of it. So here is hoping you all out there have something you do for fun, to recharge from disappointment and anxiety, and embrace living life.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Surviving the snow
For all of you worried about me and Rachel on the roads last night - we survived! Actually the interstate was pretty clear by the time we were on it. AWESOME CONCERT. Ryan Bingham and the Dead Horses, and opened by The Silent Comedy (which was so good I bought their CD) and Liam Gerner. Juts a single guy and his guitar from South Australia but he was good too! Any-who, Ryan was still going strong at 12:30 so us old folks decided to head out early because we were tiiiiiiired. (Hey, we had been standing in that theater since 8:30. That's 4 solid hours of standing,. Plus we had an hour drive home)
Of course Rachel was especially tired... no test has come up positive but she's got all the symptoms she had in her previous pregnancy. We debated between which test brands were the best so I got her a box of EPT and First Response Early Detection. And a balloon. But that's just for fun because it made me smile. :) I've been waffling between excited certainty and cautious realisticness. and to be honest, even once we get a positive test I'm going to be holding my breath until the blood tests show good doubling, and then I'll be on pins and needles until the heartbeat ultrasound... GAH! And I wont really be able to take a deep breath until we are past the first trimester.
Even with all this worry talk, I'm sure I'll be squealing with joy when we do finally get a positive HPT. :)
Waiting, waiting, waiting.... It's the Dr.Seuss book but in real life. And less colorful. At least I have a new CD to distract me :D Seriously, if you like texas-style rocking country, check out their website www.thesilentcomedy.com
Of course Rachel was especially tired... no test has come up positive but she's got all the symptoms she had in her previous pregnancy. We debated between which test brands were the best so I got her a box of EPT and First Response Early Detection. And a balloon. But that's just for fun because it made me smile. :) I've been waffling between excited certainty and cautious realisticness. and to be honest, even once we get a positive test I'm going to be holding my breath until the blood tests show good doubling, and then I'll be on pins and needles until the heartbeat ultrasound... GAH! And I wont really be able to take a deep breath until we are past the first trimester.
Even with all this worry talk, I'm sure I'll be squealing with joy when we do finally get a positive HPT. :)
Waiting, waiting, waiting.... It's the Dr.Seuss book but in real life. And less colorful. At least I have a new CD to distract me :D Seriously, if you like texas-style rocking country, check out their website www.thesilentcomedy.com
Friday, February 25, 2011
MEH
Scott didn't get home yesterday. It's a long story but he got stuck up in Wyoming and while he hopes to get home today, there are no guarantees. But I know I married a good man - two of his crew that he is supervisor of were with him, and only one needed to stay so he sent those two home. As much as he really dislikes his job he has a strong sense of work ethics and practices what he preaches. We got hit with snow last night so pray that he gets home safely!
And on another note about the stupid snow: Rachel and I are supposed to go to Denver tonight for a concert. Hello, roads, we need to drive over an hour south on you! It's not just that it snowed. In Colorado we get snow. A lot more snow than we even got last night. The problem is it was warm for a few days so when the snow first fell it melted.... and now there is ice beneath that snow. And the couple days of warm weather is surely to have made a lot of people forget how to drive in snow and ice and there are going to be a lot of morons out there to contend with.
Rachels test this morning was negative. Which I know doesn't really mean anything, but I must admit I was secretly really hoping for a positive even this ridiculously early. We still have over a week before her expected cycle day 1 so lots of time to hang out on my pins-and-needle. Joy.
(On a side note, I wish people were like cats. None of this once-a-month business. They go through months of "fertile periods" and because they are induced ovulaters, stimulation of the vagina causes them to drop eggs like confetti on parade. Ok, I don't want a litter, but you get my gist)
And to top it off I had a crummy conversation with my mom Wednesday night that has been percolating in the back of my head and am only now thinking of all the things I wished I had said.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She always has good intentions. She always wanted the best for her kids. But I'm just going to go ahead and admit that I'm a "daddy's girl". Not in the obnoxious spoiled way, but my dad is super laid back and doesn't tend to get worked up very easily. My mom on the other hand gets very passionate about stuff and sometimes in her enthusiasm for something doesn't think through the implications of her questioning. On Wednesday, my mom started in with the "are you sure you really want kids? They scream and cry, are you ready to be up all night with a crying baby, because you know Scott will need to sleep because he has to go to work" etc etc.
Now, I realize that some things about parenting cannot be fathomed or appreciated until you are one. But I have been a nanny. And my roommate has a 2-year-old and when we moved in together her daughter was just 6 months old, and before that we were neighbors when her child was born. So while it's not my child, I know about diapers, groceries, and sick and fussy babies. A friend just yesterday introduced me to Resolve. How I have I been IF for a year and a half without finding this source in all my random infertility googeling??? If you don't know what it is, check out this link specifically for friends and family of infertile people:
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/
Now how do I share this link with my mom without coming across as a terrible daughter? I know she says this stuff because she cares, but I can't figure out how to tell her how much it HURTS. (Partially because she will get upset, and then make some statement like "Well then I just wont say anything" which is just annoying)
Just so you people don't think we have a terrible relationship I will now list some of my best mom-daughter memories from my childhood:
-she made me a Belle costume from Beauty and the Beast. My neighbor friends mom also made her one but mine was SO MUCH BETTER. My mom is really excellent at sewing.
-she taught me how to cook: she always welcomed me in the kitchen even though I sometimes made big messes and ruined food (let's not talk about the time I "marinated" really good steak in straight cayenne pepper...)
-she took me to disneyland. A lot. When I know she would have rather taken me to Australia or something but me being a kid thought that theme park was way cooler than any exotic country.
-she also took me to exotic countries. Hello Bahamas! I must admit I didn't appreciate that trip as much as I should have, again being young and ignorant.
-she never missed a show. I was heavily involved in choirs and plays starting in junior high. And she was always there cheering me on, usually with flowers. (My dad was/is a workaholic so he often was late or missed them altogether)
-my mom let me grow up. I had a friend who's mom was still dressing her in little-girl clothes in 5th grade. My mom took me to the mall and taught me how to apply makeup without looking trashy. It was all age-appropriate, but she showed me high heels and cute clothes.
There are a lot more, but that is what came to mind first. So all that to say, don't judge me for venting a bit on my own blog. I love my mom but she also knows exactly what buttons to push on me to frustrate the ever-living-daylight out of me.
And on another note about the stupid snow: Rachel and I are supposed to go to Denver tonight for a concert. Hello, roads, we need to drive over an hour south on you! It's not just that it snowed. In Colorado we get snow. A lot more snow than we even got last night. The problem is it was warm for a few days so when the snow first fell it melted.... and now there is ice beneath that snow. And the couple days of warm weather is surely to have made a lot of people forget how to drive in snow and ice and there are going to be a lot of morons out there to contend with.
Rachels test this morning was negative. Which I know doesn't really mean anything, but I must admit I was secretly really hoping for a positive even this ridiculously early. We still have over a week before her expected cycle day 1 so lots of time to hang out on my pins-and-needle. Joy.
(On a side note, I wish people were like cats. None of this once-a-month business. They go through months of "fertile periods" and because they are induced ovulaters, stimulation of the vagina causes them to drop eggs like confetti on parade. Ok, I don't want a litter, but you get my gist)
And to top it off I had a crummy conversation with my mom Wednesday night that has been percolating in the back of my head and am only now thinking of all the things I wished I had said.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She always has good intentions. She always wanted the best for her kids. But I'm just going to go ahead and admit that I'm a "daddy's girl". Not in the obnoxious spoiled way, but my dad is super laid back and doesn't tend to get worked up very easily. My mom on the other hand gets very passionate about stuff and sometimes in her enthusiasm for something doesn't think through the implications of her questioning. On Wednesday, my mom started in with the "are you sure you really want kids? They scream and cry, are you ready to be up all night with a crying baby, because you know Scott will need to sleep because he has to go to work" etc etc.
Now, I realize that some things about parenting cannot be fathomed or appreciated until you are one. But I have been a nanny. And my roommate has a 2-year-old and when we moved in together her daughter was just 6 months old, and before that we were neighbors when her child was born. So while it's not my child, I know about diapers, groceries, and sick and fussy babies. A friend just yesterday introduced me to Resolve. How I have I been IF for a year and a half without finding this source in all my random infertility googeling??? If you don't know what it is, check out this link specifically for friends and family of infertile people:
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/
Now how do I share this link with my mom without coming across as a terrible daughter? I know she says this stuff because she cares, but I can't figure out how to tell her how much it HURTS. (Partially because she will get upset, and then make some statement like "Well then I just wont say anything" which is just annoying)
Just so you people don't think we have a terrible relationship I will now list some of my best mom-daughter memories from my childhood:
-she made me a Belle costume from Beauty and the Beast. My neighbor friends mom also made her one but mine was SO MUCH BETTER. My mom is really excellent at sewing.
-she taught me how to cook: she always welcomed me in the kitchen even though I sometimes made big messes and ruined food (let's not talk about the time I "marinated" really good steak in straight cayenne pepper...)
-she took me to disneyland. A lot. When I know she would have rather taken me to Australia or something but me being a kid thought that theme park was way cooler than any exotic country.
-she also took me to exotic countries. Hello Bahamas! I must admit I didn't appreciate that trip as much as I should have, again being young and ignorant.
-she never missed a show. I was heavily involved in choirs and plays starting in junior high. And she was always there cheering me on, usually with flowers. (My dad was/is a workaholic so he often was late or missed them altogether)
-my mom let me grow up. I had a friend who's mom was still dressing her in little-girl clothes in 5th grade. My mom took me to the mall and taught me how to apply makeup without looking trashy. It was all age-appropriate, but she showed me high heels and cute clothes.
There are a lot more, but that is what came to mind first. So all that to say, don't judge me for venting a bit on my own blog. I love my mom but she also knows exactly what buttons to push on me to frustrate the ever-living-daylight out of me.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Near and Far
I was being a nerd and looking at my "stats" tab and was absolutely AMAZED by the places people are reading my blog from. US (well, ok, duh), Canada (Hello neighbors! I had great summers up there!) The UK (I've only been to Scotland but very much enjoyed myself and hope to travel more someday) but THEN: Australia, South Africa and South Korea!? I know that infertility strikes regardless of race or country but I am absolutely blown away. I suddenly feel this pressure, like "wow, if all these people are stumbling onto my blog, I hope it is what they thought it was. I hope it helps them. I hope it touches them" I always knew I wanted to write this blog to reach out and touch others. But seeing as how it's not even a month old I would never have expected that kind of range of an audience. Welcome, Welcome! Grab a comfy chair, a drink, a brownie and chat a bit. Comments really are welcomed and encouraged so I know you are out there!
And now onto the real post:
Today I had coffee with my friend L. She and I met while in school and while we are very different people our shared love of animal medicine and particularly animal nutrition has lead to a good friendship. Today was the first time I had seen her since Scott and I decided on surrogacy, so I of course told her. She was very excited and inquisitive about the process and how it all works. And then she said the magical prophetic words. "I think it's going to work. And I think it's going to be a girl."
Now, on one hand, who is to say she is right or wrong besides God, and his fax machine still doesn't seem to be working so I haven't been getting direct messages from him. Only time will really tell if Rachel/us gest pregnant, and what gender it will be. But hearing someone else say with such confidence that we will have a good outcome is incredibly exciting. Probably more exciting than it should be for a sane person. And then I have these thoughts of "You haven't gotten pregnant in a year and a half. What makes you think that this will work?" and then I start worrying that I'm doing the masochistic-setting-myself-up-for-failure-thing. I keep wanting to text Rachel and ask "Did you take a test yet?!?!" but I know that 1-she only just ovulated Monday. If an embryo did form, it may not have even implanted yet. So a test very well may not work. and 2-if Rachel had taken a test, and gotten a positive, I KNOW she would have called me or at the very least texted me or something.
So it's a stupid question.
But I keep thinking it. I keep wishing there was something I could do or say to help Rachel out because I know she is just as excited and anticipatory as I am, but even after a year of two-week-waits, I got nuttin'.
At least Scott should be home tonight from working in Wyoming all week, so I will have someone to talk to besides the dogs. *looks around the room* I probably should start cleaning so he doesn't think I just blog all day....
And now onto the real post:
Today I had coffee with my friend L. She and I met while in school and while we are very different people our shared love of animal medicine and particularly animal nutrition has lead to a good friendship. Today was the first time I had seen her since Scott and I decided on surrogacy, so I of course told her. She was very excited and inquisitive about the process and how it all works. And then she said the magical prophetic words. "I think it's going to work. And I think it's going to be a girl."
Now, on one hand, who is to say she is right or wrong besides God, and his fax machine still doesn't seem to be working so I haven't been getting direct messages from him. Only time will really tell if Rachel/us gest pregnant, and what gender it will be. But hearing someone else say with such confidence that we will have a good outcome is incredibly exciting. Probably more exciting than it should be for a sane person. And then I have these thoughts of "You haven't gotten pregnant in a year and a half. What makes you think that this will work?" and then I start worrying that I'm doing the masochistic-setting-myself-up-for-failure-thing. I keep wanting to text Rachel and ask "Did you take a test yet?!?!" but I know that 1-she only just ovulated Monday. If an embryo did form, it may not have even implanted yet. So a test very well may not work. and 2-if Rachel had taken a test, and gotten a positive, I KNOW she would have called me or at the very least texted me or something.
So it's a stupid question.
But I keep thinking it. I keep wishing there was something I could do or say to help Rachel out because I know she is just as excited and anticipatory as I am, but even after a year of two-week-waits, I got nuttin'.
At least Scott should be home tonight from working in Wyoming all week, so I will have someone to talk to besides the dogs. *looks around the room* I probably should start cleaning so he doesn't think I just blog all day....
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Warning to rude people
The bottome line of what this blog is about:
Support.
1- to reach out to the infertility communiy for support for myself, Rachel and Scott.
2- hopefully, perhaps someday we can support others. Perhaps even people that consider surrogacy for themselves.
So if people start thinking of leaving rude comments, realize that I am not doing this for your approval. Scott, Rachel and I have not gone down this path lightly, but with MUCH thought, discussion and prayer. This blog can only catch snippets of my experience but cannot possibly encompass all of our lives and histories.
Let's just support one another, ok?
Support.
1- to reach out to the infertility communiy for support for myself, Rachel and Scott.
2- hopefully, perhaps someday we can support others. Perhaps even people that consider surrogacy for themselves.
So if people start thinking of leaving rude comments, realize that I am not doing this for your approval. Scott, Rachel and I have not gone down this path lightly, but with MUCH thought, discussion and prayer. This blog can only catch snippets of my experience but cannot possibly encompass all of our lives and histories.
Let's just support one another, ok?
Broken
In the last 24-48 hours I have really been hit by the pain all around me. And I'm not talking about the infertility community, but in my friends and family. I name no names to protect my loved ones, but I have to share what my hearts is breaking for.
A marriage over with two young children.
A mother-to-be whose partner wants nothing to do with the child or a relationship with the mother.
A woman alone and struggling with her singleness.
A family whose sole income was lost today.
A mother who still grieves for her husband who passed away this summer, and the little boy who will never know his daddy.
It is easy in our infertility journeys to feel so alone and isolated. We pull away to avoid dishing out our pain. And while I have never stopped caring about my friends and family, perhaps I didn't ask often enough "How are you?". Compassion, empathy and humility are traits I value and strive for in my life and relationships but I must admit I often fail in them.
I hope my loved ones know how much they are loved and prayed for in these times. I hope I can be the shoulder to cry on, goodness knows I've cried on their shoulders more than my fair share. I don't think this post adequately appeals to the pain and devastation but I cannot think of what different words to use. Sometimes, there are just no words.
A marriage over with two young children.
A mother-to-be whose partner wants nothing to do with the child or a relationship with the mother.
A woman alone and struggling with her singleness.
A family whose sole income was lost today.
A mother who still grieves for her husband who passed away this summer, and the little boy who will never know his daddy.
It is easy in our infertility journeys to feel so alone and isolated. We pull away to avoid dishing out our pain. And while I have never stopped caring about my friends and family, perhaps I didn't ask often enough "How are you?". Compassion, empathy and humility are traits I value and strive for in my life and relationships but I must admit I often fail in them.
I hope my loved ones know how much they are loved and prayed for in these times. I hope I can be the shoulder to cry on, goodness knows I've cried on their shoulders more than my fair share. I don't think this post adequately appeals to the pain and devastation but I cannot think of what different words to use. Sometimes, there are just no words.
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