Trying to keep the transition as smooth as possible

So after reading all of the comments I agree that making it password protected only discourages the readers I want to follow me.  My new blog doesn't have my real name, a picture of me or even what state I live in.  I'm happy to send anyone the new URL if they put a message below and I will do my best to private message you.  Just let me know which blog you're coming from, or if I know you in real life let me know that too.  (I do have some real life folks that I hope continue reading! The majority of you have been so caring and supportive and I cannot tell you what that means to me) 

Moving On

Alrighty my dear dear readers...

I am moving onto a new blog.  A couple of reasons for this.  First of all, this blog was supposed to be about a journey through surrogacy.  This didn't end up working out, so it changes what I'm writing about.  Secondly, I've gathered a couple of readers who use what I write as ammunition against me and people I care about in real life.  Yes, I know this is the internet and that as free as I am to write whatever I like, they are free to do with it as they like.  But I don't want to see people I care about being hurt.

So as I build my new blog (and I'm fairly technologically challenged) I ask for your opinions on how to help my loyal readers follow me while restricting my new blog from those I feel cautious about including in my private innermost thoughts.  I'm moving to wordpress, and I'm pretty sure there is a way to protect my blog, but I don't know how to do that and I worry that it will make readers I want to keep hesitant to follow me.  Thoughts ladies?

A Night's Good Sleep

I'm a lot saner today.  A good night's sleep helped me to wake up, go to work, and have a little perspective. 

I don't know what it was about my SIL's pregnancy, but for some reason it just seemed like my infertility got shoved in my face in a way I haven't felt since my miscarriage.  I don't know why, but today I feel back to normal.  Call it stress from all the business of my life for my overreaction yesterday?  Now I just feel really bad, really guilty, that I upset A.

Work seems to be going ok.  Although I was told today that I would never have a "regular" schedule, that it all depends on what our appointment calendar looks like and if I need time off I should make the appointment and then just put in a request for time off.  On one hand, I understand.  It's a small clinic that cannot afford to just pay employees to stand around when there is no income being made via appointments.  But at the same time... I've known clinics that can still set up a schedule. And so I have to accept the fact that I can never schedule anything in my life, ever, when the clinic is open?  The only way I can schedule something is late at night or on Sundays when I know the clinic is closed?  Scott thinks I need to keep sending out resumes, and I'm sure he is right but... I really hate the idea of looking for work someplace else.  I dunno.  Guess I'll see how the rest of this week plays out, and try to talk with the vet to clarify/confirm that this no-schedule thing is true (since I heard it from a coworker) and go from there.

And now I'm going to go have some quality cuddle time with my puppy Glen. And try to figure out what to make for dinner.

The post is rated R for strong language, violence and nudity. Minus the violence and nudity.

My brothers wife A and I chatted today.  I absolutely love her and adore her.  She has a clotting disorder, and almost died when she gave birth to her son a year and a half ago via emergency C-section.  She was put on blood thinners, but told that if she ever tried to have a second child that she would have to switch to an injectable form or be guaranteed some serious birth defects.

Today I found out that A is pregnant with her second child.  Planned from the get-go she has been doing twice daily injections into her stomach for 4 months prior to conceiving.  Needless to say that she is facing a difficult and closely watched pregnancy.  And she was so sweet, so concerned as she told me.  Worried about me.  And you know what?

I totally stared crying.  And then I was even more horrified at my crying.  And her being so nice just made me cry harder.  At least if she had been a bitch I could have been like "You're in insensitive asshole!" and hung up and been able to be mad.  But I'm not mad.  I am just so very very sad.  I mean, I am happy for her.  Happy that my nephew will have a sibling decently close to his age.  I told her I wanted to hear how her first appointment with her doctor goes tomorrow.  And I meant it.  I want to hear all about it,  I want to be supportive.

It's funny.  I've been given a lot of pregnancy announcements since beginning TTC.  Some pretty causal, some pretty insensitive.  And some pretty nice.  But why was this one, the nicest one ever, be the hardest one ever?  Usually the worst reactions I've had are numbness and jealousy, which I handle by throwing back a couple drinks and eating some calories and then feeling a little better. But I got off the phone and sobbed.  I don't want to be so sad. I guess it just feels like ... I dunno, I though I would have time to pop out a kid before my nephew started getting brothers or sisters.  I know it sounds stupid, because my brother is older.  And we lead very different kinds of lives.  But this time... I feel like I'm getting passed by.  Or left behind,  My parent's are going to be grandparents again and it's not because of me. I feel like by the time we do finally have a kid my parent's are going to be like "Yawn. Seen it a million times before, nothing new." (Which logically is stupid, I know they will be excited and thrilled but hey, it's what I'm feeling and where I'm right now so give me a break)

I just want to scream.  And keep screaming.  Which I did a little in my car with the metal music pounding as I drove to T's to grab a piece of cheesecake in hopes that some calorie therapy would help me.  Not so much tonight.  Although the screaming and heavy metal did.  (Flyleaf "Chasm".  If I could figure out how to input a music video from YouTube I would but I'm not that cool)

Now I'm just tired.  I really kind of wish I didn't have work tomorrow morning.  I want to curl up in bed and not get out for a week.

And dammit, I want my fucking tulip tattoo.

Anyone want to donate to the "get Kira's miscarriage tattoo" fund? April feels like a good month, Infertility Awareness and all that...

Ink is the New Norm

So it seems like lots of people are posting about their ink and piercings lately.  So without further ado...
Just to lay the foundation: one of the things my mom beat to death was the idea that all tattoos will eventually be a major regret.  I cannot tell you how many times I heard "Don't get a tattoo.  I got mine and I regret it all the time"  and the thought that always went through my head was "Well duh.  You got as playboy bunny on your butt.  You were a stupid teenager who got a tattoo just to be cool.  I won't do that."  So I knew that when the day came that I got a tattoo, it would mean something.  Mean a lot.

My first tattoo I ever got was on my lower back.  The word "broken" in hebrew.  It comes from Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." NIV.  While this tattoo has many meanings and implications throughout my life, the basis of this was that I lost my virginity.  Scott and I had been dating for 2 years and to a certain extent it is difficult to be so emotionally intimate without the physical aspect.  So we had sex.  And I was wracked with guilt.  And I knew that as much as I could try to justify it, I needed to focus on my faith.  I remember I got it right before Thanksgiving break, 2005. I went home over Christmas, and to a certain extent, and kind of forgotten how new it was.  I was getting out of the car one evening and my mom saw the ink and choked out "WHAT is THAT?" I was really confused and was like "What?! ... ooooooh.  Ya.  I got a tattoo."  Needless to say I didn't explain that sex had been involved in it's history.

Then in the winter of 2007 I got a celtic horse on my right ankle.  I had long enjoyed the design.  The aesthetics, and the horse.  I started riding back when I was learning to walk.  Little "mommy and me" horse camp in the local park.  And from there, I was always trying to spend more time around them.  Riding speaks to something in my blood, in my soul.  And while I'm not superstitious the symbol was meant to keep equestrians safe.  (Hey, it's not like I have the word "moron" written on me in Japanese, right?)

Number 3... one of my favorites.  I got it it in the Fall of 2009, right about the time we started TTC.  I was desperately homesick for the northwest and dealing with the end of owning my horse Foxer.  (Who we re-homed so we would have money for a kid.)  I got a hippocamp on my left hip. The hippocamp was a mythical beast half horse half fish that pulled Poseidon's chariot.  Something about it seemed like a perfect symbol of who I am.  The love of water and horses.  I have already touched on my love of horses, but let me just say that growing up in the NW and spending every summer out on the family boat... I was a water baby.  When I have panic attacks it is one of the non-medical ways of calming me down to get into the shower.  I love to swim.  And I really hope to impart a love of the water and horses onto my kids someday.

My 4th and 5th tattoos cover the tops of my feet in spring of 2010.  I know I know, I get asked all the time "Isn't that painful??"  I try not to make a sarcastic remark. Yes it hurt.  But my hippocamp actually hits the bottom rib, and extends in front of my hip a little and was the most painful tattoo I have gotten to date. Anyway, it reads "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away..."(on the left foot) and then "Blessed be the name of the Lord.  Job 1:20" on the right, so you can read across them.  I was feeling frustrated with feeling like we had made no headway on the infertility front.  Of course 2 months later I would get pregnant... and lose it before we got a heartbeat.  The scripture was my mantra in that very dark time.  Again, focusing on the most important thing, my lifeline, my faith.

And my plans for the future?  I would like to have a red and white parrot tulip tattooed with a single red drop running down from the red of the petal.  This tattoo is for my miscarriage.  Not that I would ever forget, but my tattoos are a representation of me.  And I feel the need to have something to represent the pain and hopelessness I felt. Why a tulip?  For one, it is one of my favorite flowers, but also, because it s spring blooming flower and the child I lost was due in late March.  White for the innocence lost.... my innocence that a pregnancy could be a sure thing.  The innocence of that unborn child.  And red for the pain and for the actual physical blood shed.

So out of that somber note and back to something a little more fun.  My piercings.  I got my ears pierced as a small child (Had to do it twice because the first time I screamed so much i wouldn't let them do the second ear)  Then March 2010 I was in Seattle hanging out with one of my oldest friends E (we go back to elementary school if you can believe it) I wanted a piercing.  But something more than just an extra hold in my ear.  I don't like my boobs so nipples were out (E has her nipples done and loves them.I was tempted, but the other concern was if it would make my ability to breastfeed impossible someday)  And while I love the look of dermals, the pain you have to go through to have them removed was just too much to consider.  I wanted something easy to remove if I hated it.  I don't really like facial piercings... I considered my nose.  But was worried it could effect my attempts at job hunting so... for my birthday E and I went and got our hoods pierced.  Yes, I know, seems risque, but it was kind of perfect.  Because I got a piercing and it has made sex... improved.  And even Scott likes it!  Win-win.  Then in May I was feeling a little needle addiction, and got my right tragus pierced.  It's cute, I like it :) A tiny hoop with a green gem.  Maybe one day when I'm done having kids, after I lose the weight and get a boob lift/reduction (This isn't a vanity thing.  I have DD's.  And a bad back because of it.) and feel better about them, then I'll get my nipples pierced.  Andy maybe one day I will get brave enough to get some dermal piercings... I like to get some around my hippocamp to highlight it.  Oooo, sparkley...

And now back to our regular schedule programming

**UPDATE Hey guys,
Having a weird situation going on over here.  Lost most of my post but saved this: **

Scott is on board for us trying again, and we're planning to run another SA just to see. (Look at me, a plan and everything!  Hey, my ducks are lined up again! Yippee!) Then in the next cycle we will try to schedule a Lap to see if I've got something going on with my business. And then we will most likely try and IUI. (quack... quack....)

But before that, we're going to have just a regular Friday.  We ordered pizza for dinner, and are about to meet up with some old friends at a bar, have a beer or two, play some pool and just be some normal 26/27 year olds.

What. A. Long. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Couple of things to talk about today guys. 

1-GO over and check out http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/04/open-letter-to-peta.html Seriously guys.  I love animals.  I work to make their lives humane, comfortable and understood.  PETA has a long standing history of extremism, when their attempts to help often make things worse.  (Like the time they broke into a research facility and released a bunch of armadillos with leprosy into the wild... where they then infected the wild armadillo population... Good thinkin' there guys.)  Anyway, so now "In honor of Infertility Awareness" they are offering a free vasectomy to one lucky guy for neutering his pet. PETA is basing this on the idea that humans are overpopulating the planet and there isn't room for all the animals euthanized in shelters everywhere.  Ok.... I have two thoughts here. First, there is a lot of academics who argue that overpopulation is due to medical improvements allowing people to live longer, and that birthrates are actually in decline, so eventually we will slowly decrease the human population.  And secondly, less people means less homes to put those unwanted pets in.

Moving on...
2-Work is going well.  I worked 7 1/2 hours straight today.  Long shift I was pooped when I finally got off.  But I'm finding more of a rhythm.  Still coming across nuances they want done differently but I think that overall we are fitting together.  I don't think they are having to repeat themselves to me much at all.  The biggest pain is that while they are training me, I never know what my shift will be from day to day, it all depends on what the schedule looks like.  I'm hoping they don't drag this out too long... I don't mind working, but I like knowing when I can plan things. 

And this moves into my next train of thought...
3-We are officially moving forward with pursuing our own pregnancy.  Rachel emailed me officially stepping down from surrogacy and I absolutely respect her feelings.  And honestly, I'm starting to think Scott and I are ready too try, that maybe meeting her was the chance we desperately needed to take a break.  So as soon as I get a regular schedule I'll be calling back Dr.B to schedule my Lap. 

However...
4-What do I do with this blog?  I don't want to lose the wonderful support I have found on here.  But the title, url address, and description are all focused towards our try at surrogacy.  Do I start a new blog, with a link from this blog to my new blog?  Do I just rename it and change my description and live with the url?

And Finally:  A really big giant HUGE thank you for the advice and support from everyone on talking with Scott about sex.  We did discuss it a little this afternoon.  And we agreed it may be good to talk more, and maybe even talk with a counselor.  That's another one of those things that hinges on me having a regular schedule...

Ok, really, the last thing: MommyOdyssey has been having problems commenting on my page.  If you find yourself having a hard time posting, I would love it if you would send me a message to let me know.  Who knows, maybe this is my chance to move over to WordPress? (I like that they can reply to specific comments)

I'm Not Sure What My Next Move Is.

I have all these thoughts and no place to go.

Last week Rachel had a fall.  A bad fall.  From her horse.  I didn't get the whole story until today.  I thought it was just a minor "bump'n'bruise" thing.  I feel SO BAD.  I've just figured she has been busy with her trip and all... but it turns out she has a concussion, broken ribs and a hairline fracture of her hip!  Needless to say I feel bad I didn't at least have some kind of casserole or something waiting for her when she got back home! Understandably she isn't so focused on her cycle etc and that is fine.  Really and truly.  Her health and safety is absolutely number one.  My friendship with her is really important to me, and even if she told me "I don't want to be your surrogate" I would rather have her be honest and be my friend, then have her be my surrogate who is hurting.  The weird thing is a few days ago I had a dream that she and Matt got pregnant... and her last period was wonky.  It certainly could have been due to a lot of other things but I dunno... I just have this gut feeling.  (And because Scott wasn't in town we didn't even get a chance to try doing an ICI for her last cycle) And if it turns out she is?  I'll throw her a shower.  How could I be anything but supportive when she was willing to try to carry a baby for me??? And we really are friends, and because I know her and I know her story I have a pretty good guess of what it would mean to her if she was.  So Rachel, if you're reading this I hope you know I LOVE YOU, and anything you need, you let me know.

So where does that leave me in my crazy head?  Wishing I could talk to Scott but we just have not had any time!  "Ships passing in the night" sounds about right.  He was gone all weekend, yesterday we were both so tired, tonight he's at fire training... the list goes on and on.  We are too busy.  But in my head, I'm thinking, well, maybe that means (at least for the time being) that maybe surrogacy isn't right for us right now.  Reading MommyOddesy (http://mommyodyssey.wordpress.com/2011/04/05/not-knocked-up-and-happy-about-it/) and thinking that maybe I'm in a place where I could mentally and emotionally handle more testing, more trying.  And maybe with my new job we can afford it too.

Of course then my head turns to the big bad word.  Sex.  We haven't had sex since... early February?  Usually I was always the one with the high libido and Scott had the lower one.  But now... it's not like he hasn't offered.  Or asked.  But I'm kind of like "Eh.  Meh.  If you really want."  Talking with my friend Bee a bit tonight, I think that for so long, sex=baby attempts=disappointment/failure.  So now sex=disappointment.  And it's not really about Scott.  I love Scott.  I am attracted to Scott.  Although, I think the other issue is that because I was the one having to talk my husband into having sex for so long, I put a lot of effort into making sure he had a good time, and felt that when I tried to ask for things that it made him check out.  So ya, we have some things to talk about.  Stuff we needed to talk about regardless of what happened to Rachel.

So ladies, I need some help.  Scott and I really suck when it comes to talking about sex.  We can talk about all sorts of other awkward and uncomfortable subjects but when it comes to sex we are instantly prepubescent kids giggling and not being able to make eye contact.  I don't want to make him feel self conscious and I don't want us to just walk away feeling frustrated.  Some couples can talk about sex but find something else difficult (money, in-laws, whatever) so if you could give advice on how to approach this I would really appreciate it.  Because I've basically done the crying thing and am now eating ice cream... 

I'm too lazy to come up with a witty title.

Today was the start of the first week of April.  It was the first day of my next cycle.  And it was the first day of my new job!

I felt like I was moving around like I was in molasses or something, everything was just so slooooow.  Well, not everything, just me.  All awkward in a new position and trying to figure out how they want me to do things, how they want me to prioritize tasks etc.  (Although it was slow in the sense that there were no appointments, although I think that was intentional so I could get my footing in figuring out their computer system, filing system etc.)  There was was one moment of panic when I went to call in a prescription order to the CSU pharmacy and started reading from the wrong chart and Dr.A was like "No, read the chart!" and pointed to the correct one.  And another panic moment when someone called to make an appointment and since I hadn't been trained on how to do that, and the other technician was on lunch, Dr.A had to do it.  But now I know how to place pharmacy orders and make appointments!  They said that tomorrow will be really slow, only two appointments so far, so that they wont need me until Wednesday because they want me to get a feel fora regular busy day.  (I'm sure also they are looking at those two appointments and thinking that it's not working paying me to stand around all day for whatever income they make on those two appointments.)  However, by the end of the day we all seemed to be getting along really well, and Dr.A started talking about her bad roommate situation and I mentioned my bad roommate situation and we had a nice little bonding moment.

I would probably type some more but Scott just got home and I haven't seen him all weekend and we are gonna chat and chat up on each others lives so we aren't strangers sharing a bed ;)

As the Weekend Draws to a Close

What a crazy weekend.  I'm exhausted, it is 7pm and I'm laying in bed.  Going to type up this post, do a little reading ("Definitely Dead" - a Sookie Stackhouse novel by Charlain Harris for those who care) and go to sleep!  Friday night Scott went and fought fire for over 14 hours.  He came home Saturday and slept all day.  And probably would have slept all night except the fire flared back up and he got called out at midnight.  However, we had screaming winds and it was decided it was too dangerous and he was sent home at 3, but then got up at 5 and went back out on the fire this morning when the winds had died down... and I still have yet to hear from him today.  I know I wasn't the one on the fire, hiking around in the dark, but there is some serious loss of sleep when I know he is out there.  Logic tells me that I do know what i would do if something happened... but emotionally, I don't know what I would do if I lost him.

Ugh, I don't even want to think about it.

Moving on. 

Tomorrow afternoon I go in for my first training shift!  I've got my scrubs picked out, and took my shower tonight in case they call me in early (they said it was a remote possibility if they got slammed with emergencies or something) and I'm as ready as I'm going to be.

The weather has been a little crazy, it rained early this morning and has been overcast almost the entire day, and even did a little snowing this afternoon.  The rain was fabulous, the misting drizzle I grew up with.  I may be imagining things, but it seemed like the green buds on trees and new grass really popped today.  Don't get me wrong, still plenty of dead-yellow grass and bare trees, but the rain seemed to invigorate the plants or something.  More likely it just invigorated me.  I know, I know, I must be crazy.  All my Colorado friends are complaining like one day of overcast weather is equivalent to the apocalypse, but I luv it.  (And I mean seriously, ONE DAY?  Do you really want it to be sunny EVERY day?  If so, you need to move to Africa or something along the equator, because that is just a ridiculous expectation.  And it makes me want to drag them all to Seattle and see what they would do if they had overcast weather for a week, let along 9 months HAHA!  Just get a little perspective people...)

Rachel is out of town and I misses heeeeer!  I hope she is have a great time with her boyfriend and her family, but I keep thinking "I should call Rachel and see if she wants to go grab tea or something... oh, wait, she's not here" and then I make an epic pouty face that nobody but my dogs is around to appreciate.

Alrighty folks, I'm sleepy.  I've got my book (we, Nook technically) and my dogs and a comfy bed and some scented candles. And half of a sleeping pill to battle my insomnia that I took at the beginning of typing that seems to having an effect and calling me to wrap this up and get some shut-eye.  Hope all you out there in blogland have a good night and a great week full of warm fuzzy moments *BIG HUGS!!!*

Auspicious April

I texted my sister-in-law A that I had been offered the job.  She called me up all excited, but instantly recognized the less-than-enthusiastic tone in my voice.  I told her, "I need you to smack me upside the head" and she replied "I can do that."  She then proceeded to verbally smack me upside the head, but in this amazing way where I don't feel like crap afterward.  I know that this is more about my self confidence being shaken by the really bad job in Vancouver I took last fall.  And the only way to get it back is to face the problem.  So I emailed Dr.A back and accepted the job.  *lots of deep breaths going on over here*

Scott got home safely from a wildfire today.  They got paged out last night and he has been been out fighting it all night, clocked something like 14 hours.  I know this is going to sound morbid, but we love wild-fire season in our house.  It really helps to supplement Scott's paycheck.  And it's what he really wants to do.  I'm still surprised that firefighting is as competitive as it is.  He is heading out to Washington at the end of April to begin the interview process for Tacoma Fire so it would be an absolute dream come true if he got through this stage.

And then on one final, awesome note I got my Chocobuddy pairing today :D  :D  :D  WoopWoop! *doing a terrible 90's white-girl celebration dance*  I can't wait to go to the store and pick something out for her!!!

The sun in shining (big surprise here, I know, but I'm feeling the springtime-ness), took the dogs for a walk and they are happy, and I think April is going to be a good month.

I Should Be Excited... But I'm Not

I got the job offer.

I should jumping for joy.  Instead I have a pit in my stomach.  I am really worried that the vet and I are never going to click.  I hate the idea of dreading my job.

But am I feeling all nauseous just because I assume it will be bad?  Because it means I wont get to go to Washington at the end of April like I was looking forward to? Because it means no more sleeping in until noon, staying up until 2am, and hanging out with my friends whenever I want?  Because it means suddenly I have to be an adult? 

Or is my intuition trying to tell me something? You know, "Beware, rocks ahead!" ?

Or is this just my crippling-self-doubt rearing it's ugly head telling me I'm not good enough, not competent enough, not smart enough. Telling me this job is too difficult, to hard, so beyond my capacity that it is laughable that I even applied in the first place?

This offer came via an email.  So I'm guessing I get maybe 12 hours to respond?  Because she can't be sure of when I would read said email...

I should take it.  In my head, it is the logical decision.  This is technically a receptionist position that will allow me to slowly pick up hours as a technician.  It has been about 9 months since I last did all the tech-type-activities and admittedly am a little rusty so this gives me a chance to ease back into it.  And hey, it is money.  It is a job during a time when jobs are difficult to find.

So why am I not jumping up and down with excitement?

Shout Out

Here is a little shout out to all my readers who are fellow bloggers who for some reason have not signed up to be a Chocobuddy.  Let me set the stage for you...
*poor little orphan annie in dirty clothes and have sad-puppy-face*
I signed up to be a chocobuddy.  But apparently there are not enough new people signing up so I am buddy-less.  It is quite tragic.  It is a very sad state to be in.  I want to send someone chocolate!  Do you like chocolate?  What girl doesn't?!  Well, I want to send you some (and hopefully get some in return... that's the fun of it) so pretty pretty please, click on the pink and brown heart on my sidebar and go sign up.  Go, go on!  Faster, faster!

And now back to your regularly scheduled programing.

The sun is shining.  It's warm.  I even spent some time outside.  Now waiting for T to get back and we are going to make some uber-healthy seed/nut/fruit "cookie" bars.  Nummy!