Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I'm Not Sure What My Next Move Is.

I have all these thoughts and no place to go.

Last week Rachel had a fall.  A bad fall.  From her horse.  I didn't get the whole story until today.  I thought it was just a minor "bump'n'bruise" thing.  I feel SO BAD.  I've just figured she has been busy with her trip and all... but it turns out she has a concussion, broken ribs and a hairline fracture of her hip!  Needless to say I feel bad I didn't at least have some kind of casserole or something waiting for her when she got back home! Understandably she isn't so focused on her cycle etc and that is fine.  Really and truly.  Her health and safety is absolutely number one.  My friendship with her is really important to me, and even if she told me "I don't want to be your surrogate" I would rather have her be honest and be my friend, then have her be my surrogate who is hurting.  The weird thing is a few days ago I had a dream that she and Matt got pregnant... and her last period was wonky.  It certainly could have been due to a lot of other things but I dunno... I just have this gut feeling.  (And because Scott wasn't in town we didn't even get a chance to try doing an ICI for her last cycle) And if it turns out she is?  I'll throw her a shower.  How could I be anything but supportive when she was willing to try to carry a baby for me??? And we really are friends, and because I know her and I know her story I have a pretty good guess of what it would mean to her if she was.  So Rachel, if you're reading this I hope you know I LOVE YOU, and anything you need, you let me know.

So where does that leave me in my crazy head?  Wishing I could talk to Scott but we just have not had any time!  "Ships passing in the night" sounds about right.  He was gone all weekend, yesterday we were both so tired, tonight he's at fire training... the list goes on and on.  We are too busy.  But in my head, I'm thinking, well, maybe that means (at least for the time being) that maybe surrogacy isn't right for us right now.  Reading MommyOddesy (http://mommyodyssey.wordpress.com/2011/04/05/not-knocked-up-and-happy-about-it/) and thinking that maybe I'm in a place where I could mentally and emotionally handle more testing, more trying.  And maybe with my new job we can afford it too.

Of course then my head turns to the big bad word.  Sex.  We haven't had sex since... early February?  Usually I was always the one with the high libido and Scott had the lower one.  But now... it's not like he hasn't offered.  Or asked.  But I'm kind of like "Eh.  Meh.  If you really want."  Talking with my friend Bee a bit tonight, I think that for so long, sex=baby attempts=disappointment/failure.  So now sex=disappointment.  And it's not really about Scott.  I love Scott.  I am attracted to Scott.  Although, I think the other issue is that because I was the one having to talk my husband into having sex for so long, I put a lot of effort into making sure he had a good time, and felt that when I tried to ask for things that it made him check out.  So ya, we have some things to talk about.  Stuff we needed to talk about regardless of what happened to Rachel.

So ladies, I need some help.  Scott and I really suck when it comes to talking about sex.  We can talk about all sorts of other awkward and uncomfortable subjects but when it comes to sex we are instantly prepubescent kids giggling and not being able to make eye contact.  I don't want to make him feel self conscious and I don't want us to just walk away feeling frustrated.  Some couples can talk about sex but find something else difficult (money, in-laws, whatever) so if you could give advice on how to approach this I would really appreciate it.  Because I've basically done the crying thing and am now eating ice cream... 


  1. Um am not sure I have much to offer on discussing sex. Sounds lik our relationships are similar libido-wise so I 'get' that whole talking him into it thing even though he's the one who says we don't do it enough to get UTD! Anyway I HATE bringing up difficult subjects so get really worked up but my advice would be to try to talk about it diplomatically and try to keep emotions in check...if you're anything like me crying happens almost instantly in hard discussions. When we talk about serious stuff it often starts as a casual conversation (with a bit of joking around)then can swing into more serious discussion with both of us at ease.
    Jeez sorry that was a bit round-a-bout really but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
    Good Luck and keep us posted xx

  2. Hope your friend is better from the accident.

    Well, I also find it's hard to talk about sex just like that. Would it be easier to write something down, let the other one read and then discuss things? Just a thought. Hope you'll figure out your next step soon.

  3. We have the exact same issue.

    I haven't tried this yet, but I saw on the Dr. Oz show a pretty neat idea. He had two sets of outlines of bodies - front and back of a woman, front and back of a man, and had the husband and wife number them 1-10 where they thought the #1 place the other would want touched through the last (like in order of foreplay and sex and what turns the other person on). They also filled out their own gender outline with THEIR preferences It was a huge eye opener to each of the partners what the other actually liked/wanted done. It might help you (*cough*HIM*cough) know better what to do to turn the other on... and that will hopefully get BOTH of you in the mood.

    Dr. Oz also said that if you're THAT out of the habit or out of sync with your libidos (or too tired or too...[fill in the blank]) that you have to SCHEDULE sex for awhile until you're in the habit. Once you start, you'll both GET in the mood (especially if you both have a better idea of what the other wants done). Maybe start out with 2x/week of scheduled sex... and all of the couples on the show said that they're all way above that number now b/c they rediscovered how much they missed that physical and emotional connection with one another.

    I'm totally trying this with my hubby asap. IF has definitely taken a toll on our sex life (though it hasn't been two months for us - WOW girl, I'd be going nuts).

    Good luck!

  4. Josey had some great ideas!
    Here's another idea: write down your thoughts and feelings about this and let him read it when you aren't around. He can then write back with his comments to what you've written as well as his own thoughts and feelings. DH and I have done this with other topics and it really seems to work for us. We can usually start talking about it after just one or two letters but you can keep on writing the letters as long as you need...

  5. Thank you all so much! I just wanted to post an email I received from MommyOdyssey. Apparently she was having a hard time posting (stupid Blogger) and I wanted to post her comment for her, so that perhaps other (future?) readers can gleam her wisom :)

    A La Inbar:
    Hey sweetie!
    Sorry to hear about Rachel. I'm happy to know that I may have inspired you a bit to take a deeper look into what's going on with you. :-)
    Sex when you're dealing with fertility issues is so complicated. I know for me I completely lost my sex drive because I felt like "less of a woman", and my hubby lost his because he felt like a "baby making machine" - like I wasn't really attracted to HIM, but just wanted to have sex so we could have a baby.
    I'm really lucky that sex is one of the issues we openly talk about, so we've been working through it. In terms of your husband, my suggestion is, perhaps approach it trying to see things from his point of view? I give you permission to use me. Say hey Mo's hubby told her that he feels insecure because of bla bla bla - do you feel the same way? Something like that. No matter what, make him understand that you're attracted to him, and that our sex drive doesn't always compute with what we would like it to. Did you read this post of mine?http://mommyodyssey.wordpress.com/2011/03/22/ttc-the-ultimate-aphrodesiac/
    maybe have him read it. It may kick start a conversation. Hope at least some of that helps!