I have all these thoughts and no place to go.
Last week Rachel had a fall. A bad fall. From her horse. I didn't get the whole story until today. I thought it was just a minor "bump'n'bruise" thing. I feel SO BAD. I've just figured she has been busy with her trip and all... but it turns out she has a concussion, broken ribs and a hairline fracture of her hip! Needless to say I feel bad I didn't at least have some kind of casserole or something waiting for her when she got back home! Understandably she isn't so focused on her cycle etc and that is fine. Really and truly. Her health and safety is absolutely number one. My friendship with her is really important to me, and even if she told me "I don't want to be your surrogate" I would rather have her be honest and be my friend, then have her be my surrogate who is hurting. The weird thing is a few days ago I had a dream that she and Matt got pregnant... and her last period was wonky. It certainly could have been due to a lot of other things but I dunno... I just have this gut feeling. (And because Scott wasn't in town we didn't even get a chance to try doing an ICI for her last cycle) And if it turns out she is? I'll throw her a shower. How could I be anything but supportive when she was willing to try to carry a baby for me??? And we really are friends, and because I know her and I know her story I have a pretty good guess of what it would mean to her if she was. So Rachel, if you're reading this I hope you know I LOVE YOU, and anything you need, you let me know.
So where does that leave me in my crazy head? Wishing I could talk to Scott but we just have not had any time! "Ships passing in the night" sounds about right. He was gone all weekend, yesterday we were both so tired, tonight he's at fire training... the list goes on and on. We are too busy. But in my head, I'm thinking, well, maybe that means (at least for the time being) that maybe surrogacy isn't right for us right now. Reading MommyOddesy (http://mommyodyssey.wordpress.com/2011/04/05/not-knocked-up-and-happy-about-it/) and thinking that maybe I'm in a place where I could mentally and emotionally handle more testing, more trying. And maybe with my new job we can afford it too.
Of course then my head turns to the big bad word. Sex. We haven't had sex since... early February? Usually I was always the one with the high libido and Scott had the lower one. But now... it's not like he hasn't offered. Or asked. But I'm kind of like "Eh. Meh. If you really want." Talking with my friend Bee a bit tonight, I think that for so long, sex=baby attempts=disappointment/failure. So now sex=disappointment. And it's not really about Scott. I love Scott. I am attracted to Scott. Although, I think the other issue is that because I was the one having to talk my husband into having sex for so long, I put a lot of effort into making sure he had a good time, and felt that when I tried to ask for things that it made him check out. So ya, we have some things to talk about. Stuff we needed to talk about regardless of what happened to Rachel.
So ladies, I need some help. Scott and I really suck when it comes to talking about sex. We can talk about all sorts of other awkward and uncomfortable subjects but when it comes to sex we are instantly prepubescent kids giggling and not being able to make eye contact. I don't want to make him feel self conscious and I don't want us to just walk away feeling frustrated. Some couples can talk about sex but find something else difficult (money, in-laws, whatever) so if you could give advice on how to approach this I would really appreciate it. Because I've basically done the crying thing and am now eating ice cream...