Thursday, March 31, 2011

Plan B... ?

Feeling discouraged about the interview yesterday.  All gross and stressed out.  And to top it off, I thought I was being all super-mature paying bills early?  Well then we were busy and ate out a lot... and now we're over drawn.  Two steps forward and one step back.  *smacking forehead with the heals of my hands*

On the upside? Scott just just got notice that an application he submitted to a fire department out in Washington wants him to take the written test, the first step toward testing/interviewing for the department.  It's the last week of April.  Who knows, maybe that will work out and it wont matter that my interview sucked?  I've been wanting to get back to the northwest sooooo badly...  But if we do that, we have a very limited amount of months to get a pregnancy to stick with Rachel.  I'm feeling pressure either way. 

I really need to just stop trying to figure out my future.  Isn't the biggest lesson of infertility, of life, of faith, that we can not plan?  That we don't know if or when anything will ever happen?  And while I know all of that... old habits die hard.  I want a plan.  A back up plan.  Ducks in a row! Here duckie duckie duckies...

I know in a couple days we will know more.  Or we wont.  And all my plans and back up plans will have been a lot of wasted mental energy and emotions. I feel like at the very least, I'm doing something.  Because I have to do something.

Apparently that something is rambling.  Sorry guys.  I promise to try to write something better later.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

What a Weird Day

Thanks for the great support everyone on yesterdays post.  I had my working interview today.  It was... weird.

I started out this morning but due to some special situation stuff with the clients that came in they didn't get to see me do some things (such as check in and take patient history, TPR etc)  I did attempt a blood draw, but that is one of those skills that you use it or lose it and it has been a while for me :(  So I didn't get any blood but overall it was fine.  There was a moment when Dr. A (making a joke in poor taste?) told a client to take her "screaming kid" out of the room (The cutest little 6 month old girl who was ever so slightly fussy.  I was really kind of shocked but the mom laughed so I'm trying to let it go...)

Anyway, so they asked me to come back tonight to do some of the things I didn't get a chance to this morning.  I thought it went alright, until we had to trim a dog's dewclaw nails (that's the "thumb" that is partway up the inside of the leg) and the dog FREAKED the F OUT.  And the vet seemed kind of exasperated but it wasn't clear if she was frustrated with my restraining methods, or the situation...  So that left me feeling worried.  But ended out the night ok, I felt like I got along great with the other technicians, and maybe the doc is just a difficult person to read (everything she says is with a straight face) and it will take time to learn her humor/body language?  Before I left I asked if there was anything else and she mentioned she wanted to get in touch with my references, particularly that it was important that one of them be a previous employer. So since my previous employer is known for being bad at returning phone calls I emailed Dr.A my previous employers email address since she is much better at returning emails.  And I added in another reference just in case of where I did my internship (which is kind of like a job.... right?)

So ya.  That was my day.  Now to go veg and let my mind mush a little but and watch ANTM.  I swear it's the only reality TV I watch.  Promise.  I just like the artsy photo shoots!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Banging My Head on the Wall

Had the interview.  Not my best interview... it has been a while, I was rusty.  However, I must have done well enough because I am going in for a working interview tomorrow...

But I messed up guys.  So you probably know it is illegal for an employer to ask about family status in an interview due to liability if they don't hire you for having kids.  She didn't ask me... I said it.  She asked what my plans for the next five years were.  And of course it has been on the forefront of my mind and I blurted out "oh, ya, start a family, focus on getting my Nutrition Specialty..." blah blah blah.  She kind of freaked a tad, and said "well, how far away in the future?  I just lost my office manager because she had a baby"  And me, all deer-int-the-headlights said "oh, you know, closer to 3-5 years..."

You guys.  I lied.  In an interview.  I feel sick, like I'm going to vomit or something.  So now my choices are to continue to play dumb and then when Rachel does get pregnant do some serious groveling (assuming I get this job).  Or I tell her that "oh hey, so yesterday I lied.  We do want a family immediately" and absolutely do NOT get the job.  I'm all conflicted!  But do I even want to work for a boss that is all anti-family or baby-phobic?  I don't plan to stop working when I do become a mom... but I do plan to take a little time off to get into a routine.

Oh you guys, the guilt is killing me.  I don't want to get a job by lying.  I don't want a job just to have a job for a couple months, realize that it is not a right fit and be out looking for another job.  I just want a good job I can learn and grown in and stay at for a while. I wish I could rewind the day and redo that interview.

Any ideas?

Monday, March 28, 2011

Break Out the Bubbely!

Before my infertile friends cringe, nope, no preggers people over here.


*Much rejoicing, dancing, squealing and blasting of music*

I know, I know, it's not a guarantee but it just feels amazing! Not 10 minutes after I emailed out a bunch of resumes/cover letters (a la Craigslist) I got an email back from this one veterinarian (imagine that, the actual VET responded to me, not an office manager.  This place must be small... just the way I like it!)  and, and, and, when I checked out the clinics website (because Craigslist rarely names the clinic so you're blindly sending stuff out) this place sounds so COOL, they do holistic/alternative medicine along with traditional western medicine.  I don't think I could have imagined a better job place (unless it was large animal/mixed practice but still...) I am SO EXCITED!  It feels like forever since I've placed an IV, taken TPR's...

Of course now comes the really hard part. *Cue the intense dramatic music*

What do I wear????  I cleaned out my closet of crap that was outdated/didn't fit and now... hmmm... *malicious grin* I think I need to go shopping....

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Oh, wait, THAT was the edge of the planet? I fell off. Oops.

Sorry that I have been MIA for the last week. I’ve been working on getting out of my slump and … well, I cannot confirm nor deny the possibility of watching a marathon of the first season of Supernatural.

I went back to church today.  It was good to be back.  It is home, a place of comfort, a way to reset.  It was pretty amusing, I only missed one week and everybody acted like I had been gone for a month.  But it made me realize how much I’m cared about.  Kind of surprised me and made my heart all warm and fuzzy.

I know I have a lot of catching up to do on everybody’s blogs.  Please know you all have been on my mind.  I’ve been pushing myself to get out of the house and spend time with Scott which means time away from my laptop.

Monday means job hunting.  Yay!  My computer had a mini miracle and suddenly downloaded Microsoft Office (I thought maybe the DVD player had finally reset, but when I went to put in a different DVD it wouldn’t work.) so I can do the resume/cover letter thing.  Keep me in your prayers, fingers crossed etc for me. 

I’m waiting to hear from Rachel about her hitting CD1 so we can start planning for April.  Spring is one of my favorite seasons (ok, there is only 4 so it kind of limits me, but hear me out) Born in March myself, and I love spring flowers (Tulips are my absolute favorite!) , the whole fresh green, new growth, new life…

So I’m grabbing onto fresh hope bla bla bla.  Don’t give up on me dear readers, I’ll try to get back into frequent posting, I’ve just been busy in the “real world”.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to upgrade back to a smart phone so I can read and post on the go!  I may be close, I got to pay my student loan, car payment AND rent for April early.  I feel SO grown up, I could go skipping through a field with pigtails…. Er, wait, I guess that’s the little kid in me. 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Just Treading Water

-If you are here for ICLW please start by reading my post written on Sunday the 20th that gives an overview of my journey-
(Still can't figure out the dang hyperlink thingy)

You guys, I'm not doing so hot.  I make plans and cancel them.  That is SO not like me. I am an obsessively punctual person who's biggest pet peeve is when people cancel on me!  There is this one side of me desiring company, sometimes I feel so alone and isolated especially when Scott is gone.  But at the same time... I just don't have the energy to do the "social" thing.  To sit and pretend that I'm ok.  And I also don't have the energy for the big breakdowns.  So I keep my interactions to the digital kind unless I'm hanging out with T.  This is a mix of "I hate being at my house" and "not wanting to be alone", but also because T is so easy to just sit with.  We watch a lot of DVD's, make dinner or whatever, but she doesn't push and ask the "how are you doing?*sympathetic head tilt*" When people ask that I then have to make a split second decision to either pretend to be ok or fall apart.  But with T I can just sit with my thoughts and feelings.  If I want to share I can but there is no pressure to do so.

Honestly, I think it's because I can't really articulate what I'm feeling and thinking.  So even though it would probably do me good to have some big sobbing break down, I just don't even know how to.  Does that even make any sense?!?!

I think the question "How are you doing" should be banned.  Things like "Hey", "What's up?"  or "How's the weather?" are still fine.  I can deal with those.

If I could go to church, stand through the service and leave without talking to anyone, maybe I would go.  I like church.  I find the services wonderful, enriching, fulfilling, but I just don't want to do the casual "oh hey how are you" in a big crowded room.  So I haven't been going.  Everyone is so nice and wonderful and caring and it's what I love about my church, but right now the idea of it is just too much.

One of the first things people ask when I tell them about the surrogacy is "Are you and Scott still trying though?"  and my knee jerk reaction is "Of course!"  But the actual fact is... "not so much".  It's not some lack of wanting to be parents, and I wouldn't totally deny Scott sex, but I am just so tired.  I'm tired of being tired, of trying to be strong and brave and hopeful.  If it was possible to have a negative of sexual desire I would have it.  Having zero desire seems to be more than what I have.  Maybe it has something to do with being emotionally vulnerable, because that seems to be an important aspect of sex, and right now I just can't be all open and vulnerable.

I found a local miscarriage support group after many friends telling me I should get some help.  But they don't meet until April 6th and that feels like forever away.

I feel like I'm treading water.  (Which is actually one of the more exhausting things you can do in the water.  Usually if you want to be relaxed you float)  I'm having some problems with my laptop which is keeping me from installing the Microsoft Office my brother and sister-in-law sent me (which I REALLY appreciate!) and I can't get a hold of my friend who works with computers to help me (and I refuse to pay $60-$100 for some laptop store to look at it when it will take maybe 20 minutes) Anyway, so no Microsoft Office means I'm not exactly forging ahead with job applications as I had hoped.  Which means I have a LOT of free time on my hands.  I fill it with reading/responding to blogs, solitaire, farmville... but I don't feel like I'm really accomplishing anything and it is this lack of accomplishing things that just adds weight to my depression.  From a clinical standpoint, depression is rooted in feeling a lack of control in one's life.  I know that the biggest part here is my lack of control in losing the pregnancy and our inability to conceive again.  But my lack of control in being a productive member of society is not helping.  Add to the lack of control in getting to see Scott, and when I do see him he is really feeling bogged down in a job he hates and so our interactions are light and superficial because otherwise he gets snarky and angry. I know he isn't actually mad at me, and he is trying so hard to separate his work and home lives, but I can see the struggle he has.  To be the strong, steady, bringing-home-bacon guy when the fact is that he would really like to tell his boss where to shove it.  And then I feel even worse because with my lack of job I can't tell him to leave his job... and around and around it goes.

I keep telling myself that April will be a fresh start.  It's spring.  I'll get to go to this support group.  It will be a new cycle to try with Rachel.

I'm just ready for it to be April.

On a random good note, Reedu of ReeWrite and I have become pen-pals (I feel like some school girl saying "pen-pals" but "email buddies" sounds weird too...) and she has offered to send me New York Bagels!  I know it's not paleo, but that is like HEAVEN.  To think, 1-real mail, not bills, and 2-bagels from New York will be in that mail.  Now just to figure out what to send back from Colorado that could ever compare to that awesomeness...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


-If you are here for ICLW please start by reading my post written on Sunday the 20th that gives an overview of my journey)-

When we were kids we were terrified of there being monsters under beds, in closets, hiding in shadow.  But then we grew up and stopped believing in such silly childish things.  That was very very stupid.  As adults, and as infertiles, we have come to realize that monsters are real.  They are out there.  And they are scary. 

I am talking about The Infertility Monster.

(I'll wait while you turn on the lights and hide under a blankie)

When I picture this particular beast, the basic framework is from Allie's "Alot". (Her blog has nothing to do with infertility, but is it HIGH-larious.  It has made me have giggle fits, complete with snorting, crying and snot dribble.  Scott will look at me like I'm some crazy lunatic and I will attempt to explain what is so funny by reading her post but due to my sniffling/snorting/dog-whistle-high-pitch-squeaky-voice it really doesn't help my attempt to convince him of my sanity.)  Check out her post at:
I have read every post she has ever written, and even go back and re-read them because they are JUST THAT FUNNY

(I'll wait while you go and read...)

Ok, for all you lazy folks who have decided to deprive yourselves of a good laugh, I will go on with my "Alot of Infertility"  It has the body of a yak, with bear paws and a giant round head.  My Alot has 3 CrAzY eyes and horns and drools like a MoFo. You simotaneously understand how serious and scary this critter is but also can laugh at it (Because if it was 100% scary like something from "Aliens" then how could I possible have the bravery to fight it???)

This monster will jump out when you least expect it, running wild, rampaging and destroying your home and relationships, not to mention your wallet, body and psyche.  It has some routine ways of attacking (MFI, PCOS...) but sometimes it tries a surprise sneak attack (Unexplained IF) We do our best to repair the damages (Lap, drugs...), or fortify against attacks (vitamins, exercise, herbs, aromatherapy, acupuncture) but there is no solid 100% way to destroy this beasty known to our current military (AKA modern medicine)

Sometimes though we see evidence that someone has injured it (and now it's running amok with a spear in it's bum, but hey it's injured so someone tackle the thing!!!) such as Elphie and AP  (You GO girls!) and are on their way to subduing it completely. (There will be much rejoicing, traditional dancing and face painting to the tune of "The Witch Is Dead")

I invite you all to draw/sketch/sculpt this Alot of Infertility (or however you picture this creature that MUST be destroyed!) and share it with me and I will post them up on here.

Just One Funny Moment

So some of you know how my friend T and I have been watching the original Star Trek TV show.  And laughing at some of the very "60's" moments... one being when two individuals are chastised for kissing.  So T jokingly made a comment of "kissing and holding hands makes babies!" which was an archaic wives tale told to young girls to save their modesty.  After considering the sarcastic comment she just made, T turned to me and said "Maybe that's what you and Scott need to do more, hold hands.  Then you'll have a baby!" We had a good laugh.

I just figured it was worth adding to all the ridiculous advice like "just relax" and "it will happen when the time is right" and "just adopt!". 

There is a more serious post below, written earlier today. But hopefully this mini-post amused you as much as it did me :)

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Story of Me and Scott

Alrighty - if you're here for ICLW check out my previous post on 3/20/11, here is the link:
(I don't know how to insert a link into a single word... maybe someday I'll learn lol)
Now onto today's post:

So, due to the inquisitiveness of some of my readers/fellow bloggers, here is a little history o' me&Scott.

We met in the fall of 2003, my first year of college.  (Scott had graduated a year earlier and had taken a year off to work) We did the flirting-getting-know-ya stuff, and started dating in December of 2003. 

After our first yer of college we both transferred to separate colleges, he to a college in Wyoming, and me to one in Denver.  We survived long-distance dating and in 2005 we started talking about the future.  On October 7 2007 we were married in the mountains of Colorado in Allenspark.  There was some minor hiccups, but all-in-all it was as perfect as any wedding could be (in my mind).  Sure our videographer skipped out early (no speeches or father-daughter dance) and our photographer was stressing everybody out as she tried to get a bunch of pictures, and my father-in-law never spoke to me, but hey there was no fighting, the food was good and we walked away wed.

Not shortly thereafter, in November my vehicle could not longer be limped along and we traded in for a working car, and my first car payment.  Then in December at Scott's birthday party (December 1st) our dog Bandit bit a friend of ours.  We were devastated.  Bandit had been struggling with fear aggression for a while, and we had taken him to 3 different trainers in our attempt to rehabilitate him.  But that day we realized we were not equipped for such a situation, and came to the conclusion to give him away.  Then Scott had a seizure at work, at a steal fabrication company.  And due to safety regulation, he couldn't work there anymore.

Here we were, newlyweds facing an unknown medical condition without an income.  (I was in school at the time and when I try to work while in school I fail classes)  Luckily Scott has a trust account that we could access via his mother.  However, this led to an inability for us to be seen as independent adults as we had to include her in all of our financial decisions.  This is an aspect of the relationship that has yet to change as his mom continues to treat us like teenagers still dating and not married adults.  I think that this is the basis for why she does not support us being parents.  And unfortunately the more you yell and scream "we are adults!" the less you convince them lol.

I also feel the need to explain that we come from very different backgrounds.  Our differences is what attracted me to Scott, but sometimes it does cause difficulties.  Most notably when we first married and were trying to make joint decisions. I had come from an affluent area, and while we weren't rich as far as I could tell, we never really wanted for necessity.  Holidays were big events with lavish feats and gift giving.  We had a boat and went out on it frequently on weekends and for 2 weeks in the summer for family vacation.  Scott had grown up in a family of cattle ranchers, and remembered a childhood growing up in an old modular home and being grateful for basic necessities. All through my childhood I longed to move to the country and live on a ranch and ride horses every day.  Scott had the childhood I dreamed of, and is singular in his ability to keep me grounded when I would tend toward trivial or material focuses.  And I think I help balance Scott in pushing him to shoot for dreams that his logic would say was unreachable.  We have found a good balance in our current life, but it certainly added to difficulty when first married because I was not able to accept our minimal lifestyle that comes to all newlyweds.  I laugh at myself now, but at the time it was very real, very frustrating.

Anyway, so back to the new year of 2008.  Tensions were running high to begin with.  No job, lost our beloved dog, and then we were having problems a-la bedroom.  I should explain.  I've always had a high libido; Scott, not so much.  So while we were already being pushed to our limit I was sexually frustrated, and every time he turned me down my self-esteem plummeted.  I know that he didn't mean for me to take it that way, but when culture tells you over and over that men are horn dogs and the only reason they would ever turn a woman down is because she must be hideous, how was I supposed to react?  Add to that the fact that neither of us really likes to take charge... I don't like saying "do this, do that" but I find myself doing that a lot.  So it makes sex even when it did happen not so enjoyable.  I do want to say, he is well endowed so that's not the problem.  But this girl needs foreplay.  And the only way I get it is by giving a detailed list which really sucks all the passion out of the situation. (In hind sight I think it was his way of reacting to the stress, he wasn't interested in sex when he was so distracted.)

So... we weren't doing so hot.  There is a lot that a couple deals with in just learning how to handle a new marriage (who does what chores, how to spend money, planning for the future) that is a normal difficulty.  And we had a number of other big issues on top of all that. 

We almost got divorced I am ashamed to admit. 

We started seeing a therapist who I also have to admit I was skeptical of.  We had done some premarital counseling and the woman we worked with really kind of sucked.  I had initially started college majoring in Biblical Studies and minoring in Psychology.  The problem with the term "Counselor" is that it requires no official schooling or degree, ANYONE can call themselves that.  I have a lot more respect for licensed Psychologists and Psychiatrists because they have had schooling.  Anyway, this new therapist actually was pretty good and helped us to work through our resentments and disagreements to a certain extent.  It saved our marriage.

So all of this rambling is supposed to help you to see us as people.  With flaws and a past.  We are far from perfect now, but I have to admit that having such a rough start forced us to find tools to strengthen our marriage.  We have had conversations "normal" married couples probably don't have while still in the first 4 years of marriage.  We have talked about organ donation, what we want done to us after we die, what we would do if the other did die... Scott is a volunteer fireman so mortality is something I've faced since first dating.  But his seizure really hit home.  He did have a second seizure 6 months after the first one, but since then he has had no further seizures or any signs of having them.  We are forced to shrug and chalk it up to how his body handled stress.

I have plenty of stories and details but I'm not sure what you guys really want to know... so feel free to ask, I'm an open book.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Overview of Me and My IF/TTC Journey

This is for all the folks here for ICLW this month (and anyone needing a general overview) Sorry for the length, but when shortened it to a bullet-point-format I felt like you lost a sense of me.

My name is Kira.  I am 26, married to a fabulous husband who is 27.  I'm a Pisces and while I don't really believe astrology, it kind of fits me perfectly.  People pleaser, loves the water,  sensitive yada yada yada.  I have a soft spot for hot shoes (designer knock-offs usually since I can't afford Stuart Weitzman all the time) and cute jewelery (think Claire's) I love horseback riding, singing and my three pembroke welsh corgis.  I grew up outside of Seattle and moved to Colorado for college, got married and haven't been able to leave (yet).

I was married back On October 7th, 2007 to my "Teddybear", Scott :)  We were young by today's standards (Me 22, he 23) although at that point we had been together for 4 years.

In August 2009 we decided to start TTC.  (For all those doctors blaming women for waiting to long to start a family, I tried starting young and it hasn't gotten me anywhere) I gave away my horse so we could focus financially on preparing for a family.  6 months of charting showed no change in temperature, and my OBGYN refused to refer me to a specialist until we had tried for a year.  I decided to get a second opinions and went to specialist anyway.  They looked at my charts, ran a LOT of bloodwork, and vaginal ultrasounds (Gooooood morning!) and determined I was not ovulating.  They started 100mg of Clomid... without a change. 

They added an hCg injection to induce ovulation for the June/July cycle of 2010 and for the first time, we got pregnant.  We shouted it from the rooftops, announced on facebook and called up the grandparents-to-be.  However, within the week we found out the the hormones weren't doubling, and were told (after two vaginal ultrasounds) that we were going to lose the pregnancy.  My doctor decided not to schedule a D&C and instead wait for nature to take its course.  While probably wise medical advice, it was hard to sit and wait for bleeding to start. 

(Equally hard was the lack of support found in Scott's parents who were "relieved" because they don't support us starting a family... but that's been vented in other posts)

I was finishing up my degree in Veterinary Technology at the time, doing rounds at the local veterinary teaching hospital.  I took a week off to lie in bed crying and avoid interacting with people when we got the diagnosis, then returned determined to just focus on finishing and graduating. 

I also decided (overnight) to move to my home state of Washington.  I lined up a job and a place to live when I finished school in August, and in September 2010 I packed up my three dogs and drove halfway across the country to my fresh start.  This fresh start wasn't all it was cracked up to be, Scott was stuck in Colorado trying to sublease our house, and the job I got wasn't the best fit.  By mid October, exactly 1 month after getting there, my job was done.  I took a week, moved in with my mom to regroup.  Applied to a job back in Colorado and got the interview.  Loaded up my car again (with three dogs!) and drove back again and got the job! 

I guess the good news is I still had a house to come back to, and had a place to unload.  Of course as awesome as the job was, it was just a temporary position and ended in February 2011 and I have not been able to find another job since.

After moving back in Mid-October 2010 I reconnected with some great friends, one of them being Elizabeth who introduced me to her new roommate Rachel.  Over lunch at Panera one day Rachel and I got to talking about my infertility.  She asked me if Scott and I had ever considered surrogacy.  At that point Scott and I had had two friends offer to be surrogates, but both times it had been off-the-cuff and there is a lot to consider.  So I told Rachel yes, but not really.  Then she told me that she had been wanting to be a surrogate, had put a lot of thought into it, and offered to be one for Scott and I.  I went home that night and talked about it with Scott.  I googled.  (My search results were unhelpful to be perfectly honest)  I prayed.  A lot.

The whole way, faith has played a big role in our desires to be parents.  And it continues to be. But no amount of prayers or tears has given me some kind of direct memo from God so I continue to try my best to discern His plan for our life. We are currently catecumins in the Eastern Orthodox Church (meaning we are learning about the faith and what it means to be a member)

And yes, we have considered adoption.  But there is a lot to consider, and a lot of requirements, some of which Scott and I would not meet per the State of Colorado and/or local adoption agencies.  So for us, at this time, adoption wasn't right.  But I applaud all those who bravely go down that path and perhaps one day we will too.

After I had moved back in October we did pick up TTC, doing Clomid and hCg injections without success.  My doctor finally scheduled an HSG... that showed nothing.  I was really disappointed, if we couldn't find out what is wrong, we couldn't fix it.

So back to Rachel.  There was much discussion, and of course the contract, but we officially began attempting a Traditional Surrogacy in February of 2011.  We chose Traditional Surrogacy (where it is Scott's sperm and Rachel's egg) over Gestational Surrogacy (IVF of embryo[s] formed via my egg and Scott's sperm) because we were not comfortable with the ethical dilemmas associated with IVF (What to do with extra embryos) and honestly, because of the cost associated with IVF.  We aren't rich, and frankly I don't think you need to be super-wealthy to be a good parent, but the fact is IVF is very expensive.  (I don't judge people who pursue IVF, it just wasn't right for us) 

February's attempt to impregnate (I hate that word but I'm not sure what word to use in its place) Rachel didn't take, and March ended up being a wash because Scott was out of town for work and was not in town to deposit his "sample" when Rachel was ovulating.  (I should mention that we could not find a doctor in our town willing to work with a surrogate so until we find a doctor to perform an IUI we are doing ICI at home, also referd to as the "turkey baster" method)

I cannot describe how crazy it is that we met Rachel when we did, that Rachel and I would connect like we did.  I very rarely make such statements, but I believe God brought us together.

And this blog, is about our path into surrogacy.  You can check out Rachel's blog by clicking the link on the right side of the page.  She is super awesome, amazing, intelligent, witty... I could go on and on but you'll have to check it out for yourself. :)

And on a final note, I am working to lose weight.  My whole life I have struggled with my weight, and an eating disorder of food addiction.  In late February of 2011 I realized I had hit 250 pounds wearing a size 20 pant, and was scared sh*tless.  My dad and his whole side of the family has struggled with weight and I have seen the long-term side effects of cancer, heart disease etc and I do NOT want that to be me.  So I am trying my darnedest to be Paleo (a diet based on anthropological study of what people naturally eat as hunter/gatherers) and trying to increase my exercise.  I have dropped one pant size (Yay!) and am determined to get down to single-digit-pants! (Although that is a long term goal, one that may not be reached for a year)

So read, comment, and please let me know if there is anything you want to know, or if I should change anything about my blog to make it more reader friendly :)

"Mutual Friend"

Can I start by saying how honestly and truly tired I am of having to write on this subject.  But as it continues to come up in my household it continues to be at the forfront of my mind and so it is what I end up writing about.

I was made aware today that my roommate denies reading my blog, but that a "mutual friend" does and then passes on the topics I talk about to her.

I was really surprised to learn this.  So this message is meant for whoever this person may be.  If you don't agree with me, I would greatly appreciate you approaching me and talking with me about it.  I'm not interested in having a bunch of "yes men" pretending to support me while not actually supporting me.  Scott and I had a discussion today where he didn't agree with something and while I was surprised I would rather he be honest with me then lie to me.  Sometimes it is a simple matter of clarifying something, and sometimes it means agreeing to disagree.  But either way, I would like to talk to you.  It's what friends do.

On the fertility front, I'm anxious for Rachel to hit cycle day one so we can start planning for the next cycle.  And I hope to get to hang out with her, due to scheduling we haven't gotten to hang out at all and I miss her! *Squoze hug* to my wonderful friend!

And on the silly front, we are coming to the end of season one of Star Trek and I'm looking forward to season two.  I'm becoming an addict, I can tell :D  But don't worry, I wont consider naming my baby Spock or anything.  Although I did jokingly "yell" at my dad for him not showing us these episodes growing up (we watched all kinds of old TV shows, does anybody remember the black-and-white Zorro show??) but not Star Trek.  He laughed and said that even when they came out and were the best of the technology, it was still cheesy.  I explained that is what is so fun about it!  Oh we had a good laugh...

Saturday, March 19, 2011

To therapy or not to therapy?

How does one go about finding a therapist specializing in infertility?  I promised my friend M that I would go see someone to talk about my infertility/miscarriage/EDD because

1-she is going to see one for her unplanned pregnancy with a baby-daddy that wants nothing to do with her or the child so I promised her I would do it for the sake of solidarity.  While I know infertility is damaging, I can see that her situation comes with its own trauma and pain and my heart goes out to her.  I wish we lived closer so we could help in some tangible way.

And 2- because, well, it's kind of a long time coming.  My emotions have been all over the place this month; anger, depression, I've been becoming more and more hermitish in my desires.  When I told Scott he said that he thought I was fine and that this was out of left field.  But I told him... first of all he has been gone for the last week.  We talk for maybe 15 minutes in a day when he travels like this.  And even when he is home he comes home from work in such a foul mood I don't bring it up.  And when I did bring it up at the beginning of the month he was kind of "there there *pat on head*" about it.  I'm sure he wasn't trying to blow me off, but he did.  So I hide it from him.  Hey, I studied psychology for a bit, and while I hate to admit it, I can hide my emotions from him when I want to.  Heck, I can hide it from the whole world if I want to, I grew up in a white-collar-neighborhood where you learn to put a smile on your face and go about your day like nothing is wrong because you don't want to impose.

But I know that's not healthy.  Usually I am the first person to say "I need to talk to someone".  I saw a school counselor my second year of college when my parents separated/divorced after 25 (27?) years of marriage. I dragged Scott into pre-marital counseling to "prepare" us for marriage.  We went back again when in the first year he suffered 2 seizures, lost his job and a host of other small crap that all piled up to a really strained relationship.  One thing a psych professor told us and has stuck with me is "Everybody has issues.  And when you start to think you don't is when you're screwed."  So normally I'm fine with going. 

But I think... I didn't want to go because I didn't want someone telling me not to be sad.  I think it's ok to be sad!  If I wasn't sad, then wouldn't it mean I was some heartless, insensitive robot or something?  I don't think I'll ever be 100% over this.  Infertility changes people, read ANY infertile blog and you'll see that. Optimism and hope get dashed again and again and even though we still hope, the hope is tainted.  It's not the same care-free hope we had before finding out about our infertility.  And I don't want to go over all the details again, start fresh with someone ELSE who hasn't been here for the last two years and feel like I need to justify where I'm at.  But I also can't see someone who says things contradictory to my faith.  No offense to people of other faiths, but if I went and saw someone who was all Buddhist/nirvana/new age about this it wouldn't work for me.  And you can only tell so much about what a therapist will be like until you go and meet with them.  And the idea of going to multiple people is just exhausting.

So I want to stay in bed where it is comfy and safe and not go out into the world.  Except I got woken up this morning by my roommates dogs.  I know she can't do anything when they bark when she is gone... but actually there is.  She could close them up in her bedroom so they don't stare out the big front window and bark at every leaf that moves out on the yard and street.  I lock my dogs up when I'm not home, it is for their safety as well as to be respectful of other people in the house.  She knows her dogs freak me out, why does she continue to leave them loose upstairs?!  I don't even want to go get breakfast most mornings because I'm terrified that one of these days one of those dogs is going to attack me for no good reason.  So no breakfast for me today, I'm just staying in bed.  Except I promised my friend E that I would go check on her horse sometime... well Scott is gone for the moment with the truck so I don't have transportation.  So I think that's excuse enough to continue being a hermit until he gets home.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Tiny Victory!

T's dad just said that he was fine with renting the house to us this summer (WOOHOO!) but he wants to replace the carpets before we move in, so we will have a month or so from when T moves out to when we can move in that we will need to find a temporary place to live...  (BOO!)  He said he was willing to negotiate the price with us too, (YAY!) so while it will be more than we are currently spending on rent the fact is ANY place we move to (that isn't some nasty whole-in-the-wall that rats wouldn't even live in) would be a rent increase.  So... here's hoping I find some super awesome job really soon so that the rent increase will seem less overwhelming and that we can find a place to live/keep our stuff while they renovate the house.  One small step for me, one giant step for... I'm not really sure who.  But someone has to be taking a giant step somewhere, right?


I just got two eCards from my dad.  One super-sweet-sentimental and the other hilarious.  My dad was always amazing at picking out cards (multiple cards!) for every occasion. I've said it before, but I'm a daddy's girl.  I miss my dad.

And maybe it's because it's almost 1 in the morning.  Maybe it's because it's my birthday.  Maybe it because I've spent the last couple of days talking with friends and family more.  But I miss home.  The great green beautiful NorthWest.

Can I move to Seattle now?

I miss the grass, the evergreen trees, the moss, the ocean, the ferrys, and I most definitely miss the rain.  Rain is soothing, the steady white noise as you snuggle under blankets.  Sun is harsh and burning.  Sometimes the excess of sun in Colorado is like hanging out with those extremely sheltered religious kids - they are always SO dang happy, you just want to shout at them "You know there are starving kids!".  I'm all for a little vitamin D but somedays I just want to cuddle up to the comfort of rain and have my expressions of sadness visible and tangible.  Some days I don't want to deal with the zealously-perky sun.  And I most definitely have had enough dead dry brown to last me a lifetime. People say they get depressed by the rain? I get depressed by the brown. 

My mom offered to fly me and Scott out to Seattle next month.  I so very desperately want to jump on it.  But I have responsibilities here.  I need to find a job. (It would be just my luck that the week I'm out of town is when someone would want to interview me) I need and want to be in town to not miss Rachel ovulating again. (Let's just hope Scott will be in town this time too!) I have a responsibility to my dogs, I can't just run off and not plan on where I will leave them.

And honestly? I know my mom wants me to fly out to see her, but I could really use some non-mom time.  I want to spend time in the lush forests and with friends.  So my motives to accept the tickets wouldn't be very pure.  So instead I'll just sit here and miss my home state and try to be a mature adult.  And tell myself my little mantra of "Someday I'll move back. Someday I'll move back. Someday..."

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Today I've got some rage and depression. You've been warned.

First for the good news: I am officially in jeans one size smaller than I was in last month.  Hurray for the loss of fat!

Also, tomorrow is my birthday.  Yay birthday!  I may be turning 26 but I still like to celebrate birthdays with the same enthusiasm I had as a kid.  Except other people don't like to celebrate like that anymore so I have no friends to invite over to wear silly hats and play games with me.  But I'm enthusiastic regardless.

Now for what's been rattling around in my head for over a week.  Last Saturday, before Scott and I went to talk with Father M, a friend started offering reasons why he thought the Orthodox church doesn't support surrogacy.  I would like to start by saying that NONE of the reasons he listed were given to us by our priest, but I have read them as being the Catholic stance.  This person was raised Catholic so I get the connection, but it wasn't accurate to our current church, and was really hurtfull.  I have thought about addressing the situation with my friend but he is the kind of person that always thinks he is right, and anytime there is a disagreement he thinks it is a chance to debate and is not able to "agree to disagree" and I don't really want to get into a big emotional debate on the subject.  Add to that that a different friend voiced concern that my approaching it now would have more to do with my pride and therefore probably not a great move, is making me think I shouldn't bring up the subject.  Anyway, here were his arguments:

Because Rachel is Jewish, being both of her genetics and grown in her womb will be "spiritually damaging for our child."  That our child would somehow be obnoxious/out of control/damaged/psychotic or something.  That having a baby from non-Christian parents would make our child extra sinful or damned.

When I pointed out that adopting a baby would most likely mean it would not be from Orthodox parentage, he said "But Scott and you would not be involved in creating the situation."  ("Situation"?!  Like this is some unemotional business proposition?)  I can't even begin to tell you guys how much that infuriates and offends me.  While we can debate nature vs. nurture all day, and I do recognize that a child that is biologically Rachel's will posses many traits of hers, I don't think that my child will be doomed to be a serial killer or anything.  The child will be loved, blessed and prayed for regardless of whose womb is grows in!  And honestly, I've met plenty of Christian people who are not half as nice, honest and awesome as Rachel.  I can't imagine a better fit for us!

He said that to continue to pursue surrogacy would be willful, disobedient and sinful.  I'm sure he had other points but my rage kind of blacked out some of the conversation.  I sat there and didn't say anything.  Mostly because I knew that if I did I would start screaming and such an emotional outburst wouldn't really help my argument.  He himself has 5 kids, and while they did suffer a miscarriage, he doesn't know the pain of desiring a child and not having one.  I don't think he can really talk to me about having patience or giving it up to God etc.  (Although I do have absolute faith that whatever God desires is what will happen)  And so below is the letter I wrote and would like to send but wont because in truth it probably is a bit about pride.  But at the same time, I feel that someone has to educate him or else he will continue to go around shooting off at the mouth about something he has no real experience or empathy with.  I also know that as blunt as he is with people, he has expressed a desire that they be blunt and honest with him back.  But that's hard for someone as reserved and people-pleasing as myself.
"Dear ____(name omitted to protect their privacy, although I know most of you would never meet them),

I have been thinking over our discussion on Saturday about Scott and my decision to pursue surrogacy. At the time, I didn't say anything because truly I was very upset and felt that if I did say anything I would have either broken into tears or become angry and I did not want to handle the situation so emotionally. I know that you did not mean to upset me. But I felt that I had to let you know that what you said was hurtful. It also was inaccurate, as far as it being the Orthodox stance. None of the reasons you listed against surrogacy have ever come up in my conversations with Father Mark, although I have seen them listed as reasons the Catholic church does not condone surrogacy. But I am not, and never have been, Catholic.

I know that you have been through some difficult and traumatic events, and comparably I had a very easy childhood. However, you have not experienced infertility and just as I can not speak to the traumas of you life, this is a traumatic event that I feel you should not talk about so decidedly.

Please know that I want us to be friends and do not want this to turn into a debate and that I don't hold any grudges, but felt that I had to be honest with you about how I felt."
I guess I know what to say if when he brings up the subject again, right?

To top it off, the time down here in Bloomfield has gotten a tad awkward. T's dad is one of those talkative button-pushers, who thinks he's really funny but isn't. He keeps joking about keeping my dogs (ha ha ha...) and feeding them people food (the vet tech in me wants to scream) and he keeps giving T a hard time about how messy her house is, how much time she spends on her laptop etc etc and she is getting all irritated and me being the peace keeper feels like I'm in an awkward place.  So I spend a lot of time on my laptop or my Nook trying to avoid the tension.  Mostly I wish that we were just heading back north today, because while my roommate situation is very tense, I've learned how to avoid my roommate and hide in my bedroom or take a long soothing shower.  Here I don't really have a space to retreat to.  And I had to turn down dinner with Rachel and I would much rather being having dinner with her than staying up here and having all my food options be junk like pancakes and lasagna.  Ugh all the grain is making me nauseous.

Wow that all sounds really whiny but it's where I'm at today. *shrug*

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A longer update

So we found out what is wrong with my car (it got dropped off at the shop on Friday)  The catalytic converter is dead.  The mechanics quotes $750 to replace it.  But Scott swears he can replace it and the part will be about $200.  But that means it still wont get fixed until a minimum of Friday. 

Scott is in Wyoming for work for the week.  He's hoping to be home Thursday, but it may not be until Friday.  My birthday is Friday so I really do hope he is home by then. (26 for those of you who care.)

Had a really great time with my mom.  The tour at Celestial Seasonings was fun and really interesting. We shopped and then headed home.

Sunday we had breakfast with Rachel (yay Snooze!), which I think went pretty well... I'm still waiting to get Rachel's impression of my mom lol.  Then church (she didn't like the incense, it bothered her eyes but seemed to overall like it.) and more shopping (got a grand total of: 1 new pair of earrings, 1 new necklace, 1 pair of shoes and a purse) Scott got home that evening from the wildfire outside of Boulder for dinner and some dessert a la Whole Foods. 

Monday I drove Scott to his office so I would have the truck, mom and I had brunch and went for a walk along the Poudre River with my friend Bee.  It was a nice chance to walk the dogs and talk with a good friend :)    We got to the airport in time and I dropped her off.

I then bawled like a baby. 

I mean, I'm feeling all overwhelmed and stressed out that we missed all opportunity of pregnancy with Rachel this month, my roommate has raised the tension in our house to the breaking point, I'm facing my EDD of the baby we lost, AND I started my period (hello emotions!)  And my hubby is out of town and I'm always sad when I drop people off at the airport...

Mostly I just want to curl up and drink the yummy tea I got from the CS tour (sleepytime vanilla.  AH-mazing!) and eat a lot of chocolate.

On the upside I just got a phone call from my sister-in-law A.  I love her her so much, she has been unfailingly supportive of Scott and I, and she is one of the few people that understands the intricacies of my family and we can gossip back and forth about what's new in the family. (I hate to admit that I gossip... but I can't really call it anything else)

And of course my dear friend T who I spend 90% of my day with has been wonderful to keep me from being too lonely, and we rented the first DVD's of the original Star Trek and the cheesyness and eyeshadow are pretty darn amusing. (I'm all for guy-liner and male-polish, but eyeshadow is a bit much for the entire male crew lol)

Monday, March 14, 2011

Quick Update

Just a quick update:

Scott finally got home tonight from the fire.  He leaves for middle-of-nowhere-Whyoming tomorrow at 3:30am and will be gone for the week.  I'm glad he is safe and that he got to be out on a fire but am sad I have gotten so little time and also that we will completely miss Rachel's ovulation this month.  If only there was a local fertility clinic that would do IUIs with surrogates *sigh*

Time with mom has been a BLAST.  My car was acting up though on Friday so I had to drop it off at the mechanics for the weekend.  Luckily between my friend T and using Scott's truck I've survived. (gas guzzler that it is...) We've been SO busy though I've barely been home for more then a few hours to sleep and take care of the dogs, although I'll admit I'm not really complaining, it's been nice to be out of the house.  With Scott being gone this week I'll be suddenly very much alone in this house... so if you find yourself being imposed upon as I invite myself to all your shindigs, I apologize. 

Ok, I promise a longer post later.  Now I need to get some sleep before I have to drop Scott off at work at 3 in the morning.

Friday, March 11, 2011

What a Start to the Weekend.

Tomorrow my mom comes to town.

Today a wild fire started outside of Boulder.  It is still going on.  And Scott is out on it.  With his fire department.  My thoughts and prayers are with all the people out there that they return home safely with the fire extinguished with minimal damage to people's properties.

And then this happened.

So apparently my roommate found my blog.

I have no idea how this happened.  Even when you google for this it doesn't pop up.  There is a very select number of people I have given the URL to.  (Other than ICLW but I don't think she would be a part of that)
**Correction, I just found that my website has been found via google.  The keyword searches that found me were:
"extreme phobia of horseback riding panic attack" and "nerd family tree".
But if you google "Kira surrogacy blog", nada. I officially don't understand how search engines work**

Naturally she was upset about some of the things I have written.  There are two sides to every story.  But this is my side.  It's my perception of events, interactions and motives.  And ultimately, my living situation is not the main focus of this blog.

She asked that I no longer talk about her.  But I have to wonder, does she talk about our situation, about me, to her friends and family?  I would assume so.  And I don't ask her not to.  She has to reach out to her support system.  But so do I.

So on to what this blog IS about.  I absolutely support Scott in his firefighting.  But... well, the timing kinda sucks.  We have to ICI Rachel this weekend.  Kinda hard to do when he is in Boulder all bunkered up.  Worse case scenario?  We spare using the OPK and try again in April.  I realize that's not the end of the world... but... I've waited so long.  It probably should feel like nothing compared to the time that has already been spent but right now I just feel like a little kid who was promised a toy and has now been told I need to do more chores in order to get it.  *stamps foot* I want it noooooooooooooow!

I'll keep you posted on the state of the fire and the intended ICI.

On the upside Scott was as excited to go out on the fire as a little kid getting to open his Christmas presents 6 months early.  I love seeing him so exuberant and excited.  :)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

All These Thoughts and No Place To Go

So I feel like I should write something new.  As usual, there is a lot going on but I'm not sure how to organize it.

First off, my mom is coming this weekend.  I absolutely love her, but we have our issues (what family doesn't???) so I am both very excited and wary.  She is getting in Saturday morning.  We will grab lunch, and then go tour the Celestial Seasonings in Boulder, and hopefully some of my friends will meet us there so she can meet friends, and it takes a bit of the load off me.  (Too much one-on-one can be baaaad)  Then she is set on buying me new jeans since I've lost weight and can now take off my jeans without unbuttoning them (Yay for losing fat!) so as long as we are in Boulder I'm thinking we will hop on over to the Flatirons Mall, which is the biggest nicest mall that I know of here in Colorado.  Sunday morning is church, (I can see her both hating or loving the Orthodox church so I'm not sure what to expect there) and then we will have lunch with Scott's mom in Cheyenne (what an interesting coincidence that she is in Cheyenne this weekend).  I'm nervous for the lunch.  I like seeing Darleen but there is a certain amount of hurt because of her reaction to our miscarriage, and also some awkwardness since we have to go through her every time we want to withdraw from Scott's trust account. (I don't know any married couple that likes sharing the details of their financial life with their parents/in-laws) And my mom said that having lunch with her would be a nice "political" move.  WTF?!  Am I going to need to call in some secret service or something?  I am kind of dreading what my mom may say...  Then Sunday evening we are going to a movie with Rachel so my mom can meet her.  I'm actually really excited for that, I think they will hit it off.  Monday is potentially a small hike (weather permitting) and maybe going to the Ansel Adam's exhibit at the tiny local museum.  Then she get's on a plane and heads back to Washington. 

(All that was so whoever in blogland feels like stalking me, now you can!  Er... wait, please don't.  Message me and we can set up a time to meet for coffee or something, but walking 10 yards behind me the whole weekend would be weird)

Then there is a bunch of crap going on with Scott's job.  He almost got fired, but instead they put him on two days of unpaid suspension.  He doesn't want to go back but I told him he has to without another job lined up.  So he went a-job-hunting this morning... and then a friend took him to the Budweiser Brewery tour and got him drunk.  Awesome.  Thanks "friend".  But at least he's feeling more relaxed then he has sounded in the last 24 hours.

(Scott likes beer, he home brews, but he very rarely ever gets drunk so don't think this is a regular occurrence or anything)

So, I spent the morning working on my resume and thinking of places to send it.  This town sucks for my field but it is really more than high time I get to working on finding a new job.

And I've been working on figuring out where we will stay when our lease ends.  Since we had planned to move to Washington I don't really have a great plan for where to move here in Colorado.  For a LONG list of reasons we wont renew our lease with our roommate.  Aggressive dogs, she's pregnant, and oh did I mention she stole a tea kettle the other day??? We searched all over the kitchen and even asked her point blank if she had seen it and she said no.  But on Tuesday it was sighted in her closet.... can you grow up PLEASE?  You passive-aggressive freak.  *sigh*

Needless to say it has been a very weird week.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Strangest Goody-Bag

Today (well, I guess since it's 1:30 in the morning it was technically yesterday) I got Rachel an OPK, some Vitamin B6, Robitussin (to thin the cervical mucus) some of my leftover folic acid and low-dose aspirin (to prevent clots in the endometrial lining)... aaaand a scented candle!  In a cute little paper bag. :)

Because, ya know, nothing says "here's hoping you get knocked up" like random bottles of pills, things to pee on and something to light on fire.

I can't just get her randome awkward crap.  Like my last "present"?  Two boxes of HPT's... and a cutesy balloon.  I wonder what it's gonna be next time?

It probably seems stupid or lame, but I just want to express my absolute astonishment and love for her.  That anyone, especially someone I have known so for such a short time, would be willing to try to do such an amazing, wonderful thing for Scott and me.  She is an answer to so many, countless prayers.

And I dunno... I think this month is going to work.  Strangely enough ALL of the surrogacy blogs I have read, the first time didn't work but the second try did.  And there is something about THIS month... being the due date for my lost baby.  And putting the due date in December... which is Scott's birthday.  (He hates it, because it gets forgotten a lot because of the Holidays- but come on, wouldn't it be the best Christmas present ever???)  It just seems like something is going to work.  Has to work.

And when it does, there shall be much celebration.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

It's Going to Be a Tough Month

Besides the impending doom that IS my mom coming to visit next weekend (ha ha, just kidding, er....) I'm struggling with a much bigger milestone this month holds.  The due date of the baby I lost in August/September.  March 28th.  Could have been an amazing day.

I can't help myself, but these thoughts will suddenly pop into my mind at the most random and emotionally crappy moments: 
If we hadn't lost the baby, we would have already had the baby showers.  Our spare room would be all decorated as a nursery instead of just a spare bedroom/giant walk in closet.  (We call it the "closet room" somedays lol)
My mom wouldn't be flying out for three days to celebrate my birthday, she would be coming out for two weeks to help us with the new baby.  (It would probably be too much time with mummy dearest but also very much appreciated I'm guessing) 
I would have this big ol' pregnant belly, feeling it wiggle and kick (My bladder, spleen, ribs... ok ouch but also amazing)
Scott and I would be discussing the birth plan (home, water birth!) and baptisms and time off work.

We wouldn't be defending our choice for surrogacy to people right and left.  We wouldn't be just a couple.  We would be a family.

I know, I can play the "what if" game until I'm blue in the face.  But it's poignant to realize that this would-have, should-have, could-have been a month that would change our lives forever.

Yes, I feel confident and hopeful about the possibilities of surrogacy.  But I have to acknowledge my sadness that we lost a child.  That is what it is to us.  Some people would say it was a bunch of cells, or the idea of a child.  After all when the miscarriage finally happened there was nothing to differentiate it from a normal period except my medical record of failing blood tests and it's delay.  But to us, it was our child.

Little child, I'm sorry we never got to meet.  Look into each others eyes and nuzzle noses.  I'm sorry I never got to rock you, or sing to you, or snug you into bed.  Read you stories, push you on a swing, take you to your first day of school.

I don't know what else to say.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Clarifying Some Points

So after a lot of stress and over-analyzing the impending conversation with our priest, we survived completely intact.

I don't know why I have to worry so much sometimes.

It really was a great chance to clarify a number of points/issues/questions both Scott and I had.  I asked about Father S's statement that the church didn't have a stance.  While the Orthodox church doesn't have anything strictly written out, generally theologians disagree with surrogacy.  But Father M explained it is NOT a sin, or bad or evil and it doesn't make us bad people. (YIPPEE!) A lot of what the conversation came down to was the fact that 1-he is walking into our journey nearly 2 years in.  He hasn't seen us patiently waiting, praying etc.  He hasn't seen the emotional, psychological, spiritual roller coaster we have been on.  And 2- his greatest concern is that we are keeping the focus on God, and being obedient and open to His Will.

Both Scott and I walked away with a better understanding, and also feeling good about moving forward with surrogacy.  I honestly can't imagine going back to the obsessive charting, multiple vaginal ultrasounds a month, forced sex etc.  It is worth is - if I really thought it would help.  But it was really hard on our marriage and at this point we feel like if the two of us are going to conceive it will be 100% a God thing and will happen whether or not we make ourselves miserable trying so hard.

Did pretty good on the diet front and went for a walk with my friend Bee this afternoon :)  Now I just wanna curl up and sip some hot cocoa (ok, not really Paleo, but I WANT some comfort food-thing) and chill out.  Being stressed is really exhausting.

Of course then I get to thinking that my mom will be here about a week and the stress comes back.  But that's a worry for another day.

Oh- and my roommate is being really annoying and opening/closing a drawer or closet repeatedly.  It's actually probably her 2 year old daughter, but stop the kid!  I can hear it downstairs and it is obnoxious.

Friday, March 4, 2011

A weird conversation

Today I went with my friend T to her riding lesson today, and as she was warming up her trainer and I got to talking.  We have met a few times when I have been hanging out with T so generally speaking, I like her.  She asked me if I was thinking of buying a horse again and I explained that was highly unlikely at the moment since we were trying to start a family and were pursuing surrogacy because we couldn't have a baby ourselves.  Her response?

"Oh, yeah, I've thought that that's how I would do it when I have kids!  I wouldn't want to have to stop riding, it's my livelihood."

Now, I understand riding horses is her sole means of income.  And as far as I am aware she isn't dating anyone and I know she isn't married.  And is not really considering having kids in the near future. But... Seriously?!  That is the exact stereotype we are trying to fight against, wealthy women hiring surrogates for aesthetic reasons.

I was struck dumb you guys.  Seriously, no words.  I mumbled something about how we really wanted to try to have a baby ourselves but couldn't, and then changed the subject.

(On a side note, I know that riding during pregnancy is a highly debated topic.  If I was pregnant?  I probably would ride for as long as I felt able, but there is some concern about the jarring of the trot/jog causing damages.  And of course if you will be doing any jumping or working with unknown/fractious horses there is real concerns with falling/kicking etc.  A trainer [especially this trainer would be doing jumping and working with unknown horses] would be wise to limit riding during pregnancy although I would think she could continue teaching lessons)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Random Blond Moment

So after spending all of J's naps writing my earlier post, checking my facebook and email, and trying to catch up on all the blogs I read (24!!! I just counted them. Although not all post frequently) I was sitting here thinking "wow, my eyes hurt.  I guess I will zoom in a bit on the internet windows.... 

oh wait.  I have glasses I could wear!"  

About a month or so back I lost my glasses.  Could. Not. Find. Them.  Tore the house apart, searched all over work, texted friends to check their homes.  Nada.

So I bit the big bullet and went to get new glasses.  My prescription was expired which meant I had to get a whole new exam (yay insurance) but the actual glasses would be all on me (stupid insurance doesn't cover materials.  Only the exam).  I tried hard not to buy the most expensive pair, but I didn't want old-lady-ugly glasses either.  Almost $350 later, my new glasses were ordered. 

The following Friday my friend A texted me to tell me she had found my glasses in J's room.  He must have nabbed them and played with them one time when I was visiting.

Well... crap.  Can't get refunds on glasses.  At least I have a back-up pair now.  *sigh*

But the funny thing is, even though I get eye strain/headaches from not wearing my glasses, after being without them for so long.... I kind of forget I HAVE them.

Yes people.  I am a natural blond.

Fill In The _________

I figured I needed to write something new so here's what I've been up to, the last two days.  Waking up at 4:30 in the morning to drive over to my friend A's, so she can get to her early shift at work by 5, and watch my Godson J... and "his" 6 (7?) week old puppy named Loki.  I'm not sure which is more exhausting.  (I think it's the dog)

Since I get there so early I crash on the couch for a couple hours until J wakes up and starts his "I'm hungry and awake!" noises.  I also try to remember to take the puppy out every hour to minimize the amount of messes I clean up.  After J is up for 2-3 hours he goes down for a nap until lunch time.  I absolutely adore my Godson and really enjoy my time spent over here (plus the inevitable time A and I get to spend once she gets home around 2-3.  She was one of my bridesmaids and is one of Scott's oldest friends)  In a lot of ways, A and I couldn't be more different.  When it comes to opinions of parent relationships (as in how we view our own parents, not parenting J), theology, how many pets is too many.... But I absolutely luv her.  We've had some great debates on all these topics and more and usually just come to a place where we agree to disagree but it hasn't ever hurt our friendship.  She knows me so well, and I know her so well, we can have entire paragraphs of information transmitted via a look. 

She has always been really supportive of me and all the random things I do.  I just really appreciate having her in my life.  And getting crazy-fun-days with J :)

Other than that, last night Rachel and the person that introduced us - Elizabeth! - had a girls night and ate salads and watched "Due Date" with Robert Downer Jr.  It was nice to just hang out, inevitably the conversation turned to relationships (hello, what girls night doesn't???) and there was a good amount of laughter.  There was an impressive absence of chocolate and ice cream, which is all for the better really.


I have to admit I have a LOT of random thoughts bumping around my head today but I don't want to write them all out.  Part of it is that some of it I have written before.  And since my blog is only a few weeks old, nothing I have written was THAT long ago.  Part of it I can't really put into words in a way that I would like it to.  So I guess I'll keep contemplating and write it out as I figure out how. 
My train-of-conciousness goes something like this: 

My friends (T, L, Elizabeth, E.M., M.G., ....) A, J, Rachel (happy, hope, optimism), talking with Father M (Not sure what that will look like and the unknown is scary), Scott, babies, babies and more babies, J, A....  throw in random thoughts about what the heck are we going to do when our lease ends and how I really need to find a new job.... and that's what's going on in my head.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Making My Stand

I have been thinking about what will happen if Rachel ends up with an absolute BFN.  Like I've said before, I like my plans, my ducks-in-a-row.  I lay awake at night thinking about all the possible outcomes and what my plans are for each of them.  So now, I must get it out and stop the insomnia.

Don't get me wrong, if we aren't pregnant, we will try again.  (Assuming Rachel wants to of course)  And I don't hold Rachel "responsible", I truly hope she wont feel guilt or any negativity.  She is doing all anyone can ask, and more!

But here is where it gets.... sticky.  If you read the "Faith" post from February, you already know that our new church, the Orthodox Church, does not agree with surrogacy.  As we are only just still Catechumens, we are not held to the same standards as a regular Chrismated member.  And when we sat down with our priest, he basically stated that since we had already done the ICI he didn't want us to feel bad or regret the decision and that if a baby was conceived it would be welcomed and loved.  But he also said that now that we did know, if Rachel didn't conceive that we would all sit down and talk before moving forward with another try.

I don't want my dreams of a family to come between me and my faith.  Up until this point I haven't had a single issue with the theology in the Orthodox Church.  I can't imagine going back to a Protestant church now.  But... I can't even tell you how much I do NOT want to sit down and have a theological debate with my priest.  Because at the end of the day, he has to side with his Church.  I get that.  I don't look down on him for that.  The classic country song says it "You've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything".  But what do you do when the thing you stand for is at opposition to something so vital to you?

It's tough because I know we will move forward with trying again.  Doing closer charting and an ovulation predictor kit.  I feel that this is the right choice for us.  And I feel like I have theological reasons and backing.

I've never been good at the "blindly following".  Or maybe it is because I am a knee-jerk-blindly-follower, innocently gullible person... My mom was always worried I would perhaps get sucked into some cool-aid drinking cult, and so really impressed upon me to question, and learn.  So while some might say that if Orthodoxy is my future, that I should just listen to the good Priest and be a good girl and all that.  But I can't.  For better or worse it is who I am.  Fighting off my gullibility.  Some say I am overly liberal, stubborn, obstinate, rebellious.  I don't mean to be, I'm just following my heart.

On a completely separate topic, I am down 6.5 pounds, WOO HOO go Paleo!  However, today I got hit really hard with cravings for junk food.  And I was hanging out at my friend T's house, where we made double-chocolate-guinness-brownies last week and there were some still left... We made a healthy dinner of chicken stir fry, had some nuts and dried fruit, but I couldn't make the craving go away.  Technically, I was full, but with my history of food addiction my craving for that brownie had nothing to do with fullness.  (I've eaten half a pie in a single sitting before... not something I'm proud of)  The me a year or two ago would have said "Screw it, I'm eating the brownie.  I've been so good the last couple of days, and one brownie isn't going to ruin everything".  But tonight, I CONCURRED!  I WON!  I did NOT eat the brownie.  I compromised and had some chai, which I know has milk so isn't Paleo in the strictest sense, but tea has to be better than the brownie...  I got my "warm sweet fix" and don't feel heavy with guilt, shame, and an extreme excess of calories.  I really can't tell you all what an accomplishment that was for me.  I know that if I can just get through two weeks most of my junk cravings should go away, and then when I do have a brownie it will be because I make an intentional choice instead of giving into a craving like some drug addict looking for a "fix".  (And for those who want to bash comparing a brownie craving to a drug addict, that is what food addiction IS people.  I've never done drugs, but when you talk to a psychologist they are comparable.  If anything, they say food addiction is worse because you can logically say "I will never do that drug again" whereas I cannot say "I will never eat again" because my body needs nourishment and food to survive.  The difference is instead of destroying my skin/hair/teeth, my addiction has made me a size 22.)  Anyway, didn't mean to go off on a rant.  I need to get some sleep now that I've finally gotten the thoughts that have been floating around my head out and onto paper the internet.  I have to get up at 4:30 to babysit my Godson tomorrow morning :)  Always fun!

Let's play 20 questions!

A little fun and frivolity...
I've been tagged by Josey at   

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? Yes I have animals.  And while they do occasionally sleep on my bed, they are most definitely animals.  My oldest dog is 12 and has pretty sever arthritis. 
I am constantly watching him for signs of discomfort that his current medication is no longer working and we will humanely euthanize him.  To try to keep them alive while miserable because we can't say goodbye is far less humane.  As a a veterinary technician I see animals suffering because their owners see them as "members of the family".  And I've seen people put their own children in danger because they can't see how dangerous their dogs are because they think of their dogs as their "babies".  Sorry, soapbox...

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? 
Besides having a healthy baby?  Twins!

3. What would you do with a billion dollars? 
Buy a new car.  And a cute little house.  And a horse!  And a new car for my friend B.  Maybe a big vacation since Scott and I haven't been on a real vacation since our honeymoon.  Padagonia, the UK, Germany, Russia....

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? 
Talking to my best friend E, my hubby calling me "babydoll", horseback riding (when the opportunity arises), singing, a shower w/ candles and aromatherapy.

5. What is your bedtime routine? 

Depends on whether Scott is home or not, but let the dogs out one last time, use bathroom, brush teeth, let dogs back in, sit in bed and either read or surf the web for a bit, then put on my "sleep" play list on my iTunes.

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? 
Met our first year of college back in fall of '03.  Started dating December '03.  And we just kept making it work :)

7. What kind of books do you read?
Looooots.  Most recently the Black dagger Brotherhood series, Sookie Stackhouse series, currently reading an anthropological work titled "Birthing a Mother" about surrogacy in Israel.  I also enjoy religious/theological books.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?

That would make me 35 so... hopefully with kids, a house and a job I am enjoying working at.

9. What’s your fear? 

As in my greatest fear?  Falling from a tall height but not dieing immediately on impact, having to lay there in agony and die slowly.  General fears, I don't like spiders.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? 

Well, I hate flying in a normal plane, so I think a space ship would be even worse so.... seeing space isn't really listed on my "bucket list" so I will go with no.  But there are other things I would give up junk food for.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? 
Let the dogs outside, pee, step on the scale, write the number on the calendar to track my weight loss.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? 
I wish he would help out with chores more.  But I know it's a guy thing...

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Nah, I like my name.  Although I remember in the 1st grade wishing my name was "Zebra"  What was I thinking?! Hahahaha!

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? 

I would choose rain :)  I miss the Northwest, nice temperate climate and plenty of green. 

15. If you could have one skill that you don't currently have, what would it be?

I wish I was better with budgeting.  And making soup.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? 

I'm copying this from Josey because she summed it up so well: The friendships and support and understanding you all have for my (our) situations. You're amazing.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? 

Sweet.  But not too sweet.

18. What items are in your purse right now? 

wallet.  eyeglasses.  sunglasses.  pen.  random assorted receipts.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? 

Beach.  I grew up boating and miss it!

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?

Technically we don't have cable so anything I watch I have to watch via internet, or rent the DVD's.  I probably shouldn't watch any of it, but here is my guilty pleasure list: America's Next Top Model, Hellcats, Big Bang Theory, True Blood... I've seen snippets of Vampire Diaries and How I Met Your Mother and think I would like to watch those too.

The four people I tag are: Um, I don't know enough people in blogland yet to tag them.  So feel free to do this just for fun :)