Sunday, April 10, 2011

The post is rated R for strong language, violence and nudity. Minus the violence and nudity.

My brothers wife A and I chatted today.  I absolutely love her and adore her.  She has a clotting disorder, and almost died when she gave birth to her son a year and a half ago via emergency C-section.  She was put on blood thinners, but told that if she ever tried to have a second child that she would have to switch to an injectable form or be guaranteed some serious birth defects.

Today I found out that A is pregnant with her second child.  Planned from the get-go she has been doing twice daily injections into her stomach for 4 months prior to conceiving.  Needless to say that she is facing a difficult and closely watched pregnancy.  And she was so sweet, so concerned as she told me.  Worried about me.  And you know what?

I totally stared crying.  And then I was even more horrified at my crying.  And her being so nice just made me cry harder.  At least if she had been a bitch I could have been like "You're in insensitive asshole!" and hung up and been able to be mad.  But I'm not mad.  I am just so very very sad.  I mean, I am happy for her.  Happy that my nephew will have a sibling decently close to his age.  I told her I wanted to hear how her first appointment with her doctor goes tomorrow.  And I meant it.  I want to hear all about it,  I want to be supportive.

It's funny.  I've been given a lot of pregnancy announcements since beginning TTC.  Some pretty causal, some pretty insensitive.  And some pretty nice.  But why was this one, the nicest one ever, be the hardest one ever?  Usually the worst reactions I've had are numbness and jealousy, which I handle by throwing back a couple drinks and eating some calories and then feeling a little better. But I got off the phone and sobbed.  I don't want to be so sad. I guess it just feels like ... I dunno, I though I would have time to pop out a kid before my nephew started getting brothers or sisters.  I know it sounds stupid, because my brother is older.  And we lead very different kinds of lives.  But this time... I feel like I'm getting passed by.  Or left behind,  My parent's are going to be grandparents again and it's not because of me. I feel like by the time we do finally have a kid my parent's are going to be like "Yawn. Seen it a million times before, nothing new." (Which logically is stupid, I know they will be excited and thrilled but hey, it's what I'm feeling and where I'm right now so give me a break)

I just want to scream.  And keep screaming.  Which I did a little in my car with the metal music pounding as I drove to T's to grab a piece of cheesecake in hopes that some calorie therapy would help me.  Not so much tonight.  Although the screaming and heavy metal did.  (Flyleaf "Chasm".  If I could figure out how to input a music video from YouTube I would but I'm not that cool)

Now I'm just tired.  I really kind of wish I didn't have work tomorrow morning.  I want to curl up in bed and not get out for a week.

And dammit, I want my fucking tulip tattoo.

Anyone want to donate to the "get Kira's miscarriage tattoo" fund? April feels like a good month, Infertility Awareness and all that...


  1. {{hugs}} I'm sorry. It may have been more a culmination of all the disappointments you've had in the past week or so... a grieving process of its own... and less about SILs pregnancy. Have patience with yourself.

  2. IF causes such a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. :( I'm sorry this one hit you so hard. ((HUGS))