Monday, February 21, 2011

Lost and Found

In light of this week being ICLW week, I thought maybe having a big religious post would not be the best way to encourage new readers and comments.  (See the IComLeavWe link on the right sidebar for an explanation if you don't know what that is)

I was thinking of all the things Scott and I have put on hold "just in case" we got pregnant....  I know for Scott it has been staying with a job he HATES.  He wants to go back to school and get his EMT so her can pursue a career in the fire service, but is worried there wont be enough money if he quits his job.  (As I am at this moment between jobs, I'll be honest, it's true)  But I don't want him to put this off forever.  I fully support him going back to school and pursing his real interests. 

I have put off trips.  My mom loves to travel and a couple of times has invited me to go places with her.  Sometimes I couldn't go because I was finishing my degree, but sometimes... was because I wasn't sure that I would be able to fly if I was potentially possibly pregnant.

I have put off losing weight.  I know, I know, being over or underweight can hinder your chances at fertility, but so does dropping weight quickly.  And while I have always tried to eat well etc, I have never really pushed myself to hard-core diet and work out and drop the weight just in case THAT inhibited my chances at pregnancy.

I even tried to postpone surgery to have my gallbladder removed a year ago.  But the pain was just too intense that I gave in.  But really, that was stupid.

Infertility takes away a lot of things from people, but I never thought about outside of the "robbing me of my dignity and my future" sense.  It has robbed both Scott and I of living our life.  Surrogacy has not been a complete fix (Scott is still not going to quit his job and go back to school, but is looking for a different job as a compromise. His current job has great insurance that covered a bit of my fertility stuff so I had discouraged him from leaving just so we wouldn't lose that.  Go ahead and stick me in the crap-wife-hall-of-fame)  but it has given me a chance to breath and think and look at my life.  And make some changes.  Like with Scott's job search and my efforts in weight loss.

Of course it has changed our life in different ways.  We had planned to move to the Seattle area when our lease was up in July this summer.  To be closer to my family, to have a better job market, and the climate is my absolute favorite.  (I hate the heat of Colorado summers.  It's just too much!)  But now, if Rachel get's pregnant, we are going to stay in Colorado.  And most likely for a while.  We want to be here for the whole pregnancy.  And nobody wants to move halfway across the country with an infant.  So I'll admit it has been hard to realize that that plan, the plan to finally move to MY "happy place" is being postponed.  Yet again.  But... it's worth it.  I recognize the disappointment and frustration, but I also see that our family complete and content, with an adorable little baby, far outweighs the disappointment.

**Also... I would welcome comments to old posts so if the "Faith" post doesn't speak to you, feel free to enjoy the previous posts and know they are about different subjects. I only started blogging about a week ago so there isn't years and years of posts to sift through.


  1. It is so hard feeling like you aren't fully living because things keep getting put on hold. Also, moving with a baby isn't the worst thing around. I think it's a LOT easier than moving once they are mobile. Good luck!

    ICLW #19

  2. I just keep trying to not feel overwhelmed, and take things a step at a time... But that's a good point about moving with a young baby. New infants sleep a lot... they would probably sleep most of the drive.
    Good luck with your ICLW week!

  3. I totally understand putting things off, just in case. It's really frustrating trying to plan your life around something completely mysterious eh?

  4. We all postpone so much for this journey. Sometimes necessary, but sometimes we need to remember to live in the here and now.

    I look forward to following your surrogacy journey to parenthood!

  5. I think we've all put something on hold while TTC. For us it is buying the lot next door and that vacation we've wanted to plan but haven't "just in case..."
    Visiting from ICLW.