Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Women's intuition

I would like to post something I wrote to a friend a little while back.  I feel like it sums up some feelings nicely.  This was prior to my latest diagnostic exam which was an HSG, or Hysterosalpingogram.  The test that produced "nothing wrong" that solidified my desire to move forward with surrogacy.

February 6 at 3:15pm
Gut feeling? Intuition? Who knows?

Way back in the land of our early marriage, when the conversation of future kids would come up, I would always joke "Well, we'll see. Who knows if we will have trouble having kids?" And they would reply "Oh, I'm sure you'll be just fine. You'll have kids with no trouble!" but in my heart, I just KNEW, it wasn't going to be easy. Of course I was hopeful when we began starting, but there was a part of me that was not at all surprised to find myself calling up Dr.B at the fertility clinic to make an appointment.

In July when I got pregnant, I remember CRYING to my mom, because I just felt like.... like I KNEW that we would miscarry. She assured me the pregnancy would be normal and I just needed to not stress.  And then we did miscarry.

And now... I just FEEL like ... I'm not going to get pregnant. We are going to use a surrogate. And/or adopt. I'm going to hope I'm wrong, but... I don't know if it's intuition or what....

I'm kinda of sad, but I also feel like I want these tests done and over with so we can just move on with using a surrogate and stop wasting time, emotion and money.

And that's where I'm at today. 
I cannot even express how excited and thrilled I am about our decision to pursue surrogacy.  I feel that it was serendipitous that I met Rachel when I did. She has such a moving story of her own fertility... it was an instant bond.  When I said in my previous entry that I didn't handle my miscarriage well, I really mean it.  
I held myself together just long enough to finish my degree in August, and then decided overnight to move to my home state of Washington.  My husband could not immediately follow me, so I moved myself and my three dogs across 6 states (Colorado, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon into Washington).  Got a job, rented a house, totally started over.  
While there were some great high points (being back in my native state, being close to family and childhood friends) it also had some terrible low points, most intensely the time when I would get home at the end of the day and having to call my husband in order to talk to him.  Having a job, a place to be, things to do, saved my sanity.  The job did not end up being a good match, so after exactly one month on the job I was done working for them.  I had the most understanding homeowner who let me out of my lease.  I moved in with my mom for 2 weeks to try to figure out my next move.  
Randomly, the dean of the department I had graduated from just happened to send out a mass email to my graduated class with 2 job listings back in Colorado... and on a whim I applied.  And got an interview!  I loaded up my Ford Focus wagon once again with clothes and dogs and drove back, getting in very late the night before my interview.  The job, while a temporary job, was for a dream company and I got it.  
It was not long after my return to Colorado that I met Rachel.  And the rest is history... or our future to be more exact.

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