I recently joined my church choir. I sang in multiple choirs in high school, and was involved in all sorts of theater. I forgot how much I enjoy singing.
It has been difficult giving up horseback riding, but I had to do it because we just couldn't afford it. And if we want to be parents, we have to think about where our money is going and what it should be spent on. But that left me feeling... like someone had taken a piece of me. A big piece. Horses have been a part of my life since... before I could walk? My mom took me to some "mommy-and-me-ride" at the park (where they plop the kid on the horse and are walked around by someone on the ground) and the rest is history. Horses are in my blood. Usually I feel fat, uncoordinated, slow. On a horse, I feel graceful, powerful, synchronized. My heart and spirit soar. With my history of panic attacks, and general over-worrying, riding was the one thing I could do when things were bad that would take my mind of my problems. Partly, because riding takes a lot of mental focus and physical disciple so there isn't energy left to think about everything else. Riding was my retreat, where I could rejuvenate.
So since selling my horse and giving up lessons, I've been a bit adrift. I've tried riding friends horses, and while it is fun and I would never turn it down, I get frustrated that I can't pursue the sport like I want to.
So back to joining choir. It was mostly just to get involved in something with Church, get to know people etc. But as I sang today I realized that while it is not the same, this could be my new retreat. When I'm focusing on the notes, my breath and tone, my mind focuses on what is most important. I can explore emotions in a way I can't in just talking to people. So I decided that maybe I could start voice lessons (has to be cheaper than riding lessons, right?) so I called up an old friend who has her masters (maybe a PhD?) in music to ask if she did voice lessons. She said no... but that she does direct a community choir and it is FREE, and invited me to join them Monday nights! I'm very excited and giddy.
There are two things I would say I have a natural talent for. And not trying to brag, but just know that I have a knack for them. The first is riding. And the second is singing. I can't believe I forgot about singing for so long!
So as I wait (im)patiently for a positive test for Rachel, I am going to do something that I enjoy, am good at, and can feel good about me. I realize this post seems to have nothing to do with infertility, but really, I think that as infertiles we often forget to do things just for the FUN of it. So here is hoping you all out there have something you do for fun, to recharge from disappointment and anxiety, and embrace living life.