Trying to keep the transition as smooth as possible

So after reading all of the comments I agree that making it password protected only discourages the readers I want to follow me.  My new blog doesn't have my real name, a picture of me or even what state I live in.  I'm happy to send anyone the new URL if they put a message below and I will do my best to private message you.  Just let me know which blog you're coming from, or if I know you in real life let me know that too.  (I do have some real life folks that I hope continue reading! The majority of you have been so caring and supportive and I cannot tell you what that means to me) 

Moving On

Alrighty my dear dear readers...

I am moving onto a new blog.  A couple of reasons for this.  First of all, this blog was supposed to be about a journey through surrogacy.  This didn't end up working out, so it changes what I'm writing about.  Secondly, I've gathered a couple of readers who use what I write as ammunition against me and people I care about in real life.  Yes, I know this is the internet and that as free as I am to write whatever I like, they are free to do with it as they like.  But I don't want to see people I care about being hurt.

So as I build my new blog (and I'm fairly technologically challenged) I ask for your opinions on how to help my loyal readers follow me while restricting my new blog from those I feel cautious about including in my private innermost thoughts.  I'm moving to wordpress, and I'm pretty sure there is a way to protect my blog, but I don't know how to do that and I worry that it will make readers I want to keep hesitant to follow me.  Thoughts ladies?

A Night's Good Sleep

I'm a lot saner today.  A good night's sleep helped me to wake up, go to work, and have a little perspective. 

I don't know what it was about my SIL's pregnancy, but for some reason it just seemed like my infertility got shoved in my face in a way I haven't felt since my miscarriage.  I don't know why, but today I feel back to normal.  Call it stress from all the business of my life for my overreaction yesterday?  Now I just feel really bad, really guilty, that I upset A.

Work seems to be going ok.  Although I was told today that I would never have a "regular" schedule, that it all depends on what our appointment calendar looks like and if I need time off I should make the appointment and then just put in a request for time off.  On one hand, I understand.  It's a small clinic that cannot afford to just pay employees to stand around when there is no income being made via appointments.  But at the same time... I've known clinics that can still set up a schedule. And so I have to accept the fact that I can never schedule anything in my life, ever, when the clinic is open?  The only way I can schedule something is late at night or on Sundays when I know the clinic is closed?  Scott thinks I need to keep sending out resumes, and I'm sure he is right but... I really hate the idea of looking for work someplace else.  I dunno.  Guess I'll see how the rest of this week plays out, and try to talk with the vet to clarify/confirm that this no-schedule thing is true (since I heard it from a coworker) and go from there.

And now I'm going to go have some quality cuddle time with my puppy Glen. And try to figure out what to make for dinner.

The post is rated R for strong language, violence and nudity. Minus the violence and nudity.

My brothers wife A and I chatted today.  I absolutely love her and adore her.  She has a clotting disorder, and almost died when she gave birth to her son a year and a half ago via emergency C-section.  She was put on blood thinners, but told that if she ever tried to have a second child that she would have to switch to an injectable form or be guaranteed some serious birth defects.

Today I found out that A is pregnant with her second child.  Planned from the get-go she has been doing twice daily injections into her stomach for 4 months prior to conceiving.  Needless to say that she is facing a difficult and closely watched pregnancy.  And she was so sweet, so concerned as she told me.  Worried about me.  And you know what?

I totally stared crying.  And then I was even more horrified at my crying.  And her being so nice just made me cry harder.  At least if she had been a bitch I could have been like "You're in insensitive asshole!" and hung up and been able to be mad.  But I'm not mad.  I am just so very very sad.  I mean, I am happy for her.  Happy that my nephew will have a sibling decently close to his age.  I told her I wanted to hear how her first appointment with her doctor goes tomorrow.  And I meant it.  I want to hear all about it,  I want to be supportive.

It's funny.  I've been given a lot of pregnancy announcements since beginning TTC.  Some pretty causal, some pretty insensitive.  And some pretty nice.  But why was this one, the nicest one ever, be the hardest one ever?  Usually the worst reactions I've had are numbness and jealousy, which I handle by throwing back a couple drinks and eating some calories and then feeling a little better. But I got off the phone and sobbed.  I don't want to be so sad. I guess it just feels like ... I dunno, I though I would have time to pop out a kid before my nephew started getting brothers or sisters.  I know it sounds stupid, because my brother is older.  And we lead very different kinds of lives.  But this time... I feel like I'm getting passed by.  Or left behind,  My parent's are going to be grandparents again and it's not because of me. I feel like by the time we do finally have a kid my parent's are going to be like "Yawn. Seen it a million times before, nothing new." (Which logically is stupid, I know they will be excited and thrilled but hey, it's what I'm feeling and where I'm right now so give me a break)

I just want to scream.  And keep screaming.  Which I did a little in my car with the metal music pounding as I drove to T's to grab a piece of cheesecake in hopes that some calorie therapy would help me.  Not so much tonight.  Although the screaming and heavy metal did.  (Flyleaf "Chasm".  If I could figure out how to input a music video from YouTube I would but I'm not that cool)

Now I'm just tired.  I really kind of wish I didn't have work tomorrow morning.  I want to curl up in bed and not get out for a week.

And dammit, I want my fucking tulip tattoo.

Anyone want to donate to the "get Kira's miscarriage tattoo" fund? April feels like a good month, Infertility Awareness and all that...

Ink is the New Norm

So it seems like lots of people are posting about their ink and piercings lately.  So without further ado...
Just to lay the foundation: one of the things my mom beat to death was the idea that all tattoos will eventually be a major regret.  I cannot tell you how many times I heard "Don't get a tattoo.  I got mine and I regret it all the time"  and the thought that always went through my head was "Well duh.  You got as playboy bunny on your butt.  You were a stupid teenager who got a tattoo just to be cool.  I won't do that."  So I knew that when the day came that I got a tattoo, it would mean something.  Mean a lot.

My first tattoo I ever got was on my lower back.  The word "broken" in hebrew.  It comes from Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." NIV.  While this tattoo has many meanings and implications throughout my life, the basis of this was that I lost my virginity.  Scott and I had been dating for 2 years and to a certain extent it is difficult to be so emotionally intimate without the physical aspect.  So we had sex.  And I was wracked with guilt.  And I knew that as much as I could try to justify it, I needed to focus on my faith.  I remember I got it right before Thanksgiving break, 2005. I went home over Christmas, and to a certain extent, and kind of forgotten how new it was.  I was getting out of the car one evening and my mom saw the ink and choked out "WHAT is THAT?" I was really confused and was like "What?! ... ooooooh.  Ya.  I got a tattoo."  Needless to say I didn't explain that sex had been involved in it's history.

Then in the winter of 2007 I got a celtic horse on my right ankle.  I had long enjoyed the design.  The aesthetics, and the horse.  I started riding back when I was learning to walk.  Little "mommy and me" horse camp in the local park.  And from there, I was always trying to spend more time around them.  Riding speaks to something in my blood, in my soul.  And while I'm not superstitious the symbol was meant to keep equestrians safe.  (Hey, it's not like I have the word "moron" written on me in Japanese, right?)

Number 3... one of my favorites.  I got it it in the Fall of 2009, right about the time we started TTC.  I was desperately homesick for the northwest and dealing with the end of owning my horse Foxer.  (Who we re-homed so we would have money for a kid.)  I got a hippocamp on my left hip. The hippocamp was a mythical beast half horse half fish that pulled Poseidon's chariot.  Something about it seemed like a perfect symbol of who I am.  The love of water and horses.  I have already touched on my love of horses, but let me just say that growing up in the NW and spending every summer out on the family boat... I was a water baby.  When I have panic attacks it is one of the non-medical ways of calming me down to get into the shower.  I love to swim.  And I really hope to impart a love of the water and horses onto my kids someday.

My 4th and 5th tattoos cover the tops of my feet in spring of 2010.  I know I know, I get asked all the time "Isn't that painful??"  I try not to make a sarcastic remark. Yes it hurt.  But my hippocamp actually hits the bottom rib, and extends in front of my hip a little and was the most painful tattoo I have gotten to date. Anyway, it reads "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away..."(on the left foot) and then "Blessed be the name of the Lord.  Job 1:20" on the right, so you can read across them.  I was feeling frustrated with feeling like we had made no headway on the infertility front.  Of course 2 months later I would get pregnant... and lose it before we got a heartbeat.  The scripture was my mantra in that very dark time.  Again, focusing on the most important thing, my lifeline, my faith.

And my plans for the future?  I would like to have a red and white parrot tulip tattooed with a single red drop running down from the red of the petal.  This tattoo is for my miscarriage.  Not that I would ever forget, but my tattoos are a representation of me.  And I feel the need to have something to represent the pain and hopelessness I felt. Why a tulip?  For one, it is one of my favorite flowers, but also, because it s spring blooming flower and the child I lost was due in late March.  White for the innocence lost.... my innocence that a pregnancy could be a sure thing.  The innocence of that unborn child.  And red for the pain and for the actual physical blood shed.

So out of that somber note and back to something a little more fun.  My piercings.  I got my ears pierced as a small child (Had to do it twice because the first time I screamed so much i wouldn't let them do the second ear)  Then March 2010 I was in Seattle hanging out with one of my oldest friends E (we go back to elementary school if you can believe it) I wanted a piercing.  But something more than just an extra hold in my ear.  I don't like my boobs so nipples were out (E has her nipples done and loves them.I was tempted, but the other concern was if it would make my ability to breastfeed impossible someday)  And while I love the look of dermals, the pain you have to go through to have them removed was just too much to consider.  I wanted something easy to remove if I hated it.  I don't really like facial piercings... I considered my nose.  But was worried it could effect my attempts at job hunting so... for my birthday E and I went and got our hoods pierced.  Yes, I know, seems risque, but it was kind of perfect.  Because I got a piercing and it has made sex... improved.  And even Scott likes it!  Win-win.  Then in May I was feeling a little needle addiction, and got my right tragus pierced.  It's cute, I like it :) A tiny hoop with a green gem.  Maybe one day when I'm done having kids, after I lose the weight and get a boob lift/reduction (This isn't a vanity thing.  I have DD's.  And a bad back because of it.) and feel better about them, then I'll get my nipples pierced.  Andy maybe one day I will get brave enough to get some dermal piercings... I like to get some around my hippocamp to highlight it.  Oooo, sparkley...

And now back to our regular schedule programming

**UPDATE Hey guys,
Having a weird situation going on over here.  Lost most of my post but saved this: **

Scott is on board for us trying again, and we're planning to run another SA just to see. (Look at me, a plan and everything!  Hey, my ducks are lined up again! Yippee!) Then in the next cycle we will try to schedule a Lap to see if I've got something going on with my business. And then we will most likely try and IUI. (quack... quack....)

But before that, we're going to have just a regular Friday.  We ordered pizza for dinner, and are about to meet up with some old friends at a bar, have a beer or two, play some pool and just be some normal 26/27 year olds.

What. A. Long. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Couple of things to talk about today guys. 

1-GO over and check out http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/04/open-letter-to-peta.html Seriously guys.  I love animals.  I work to make their lives humane, comfortable and understood.  PETA has a long standing history of extremism, when their attempts to help often make things worse.  (Like the time they broke into a research facility and released a bunch of armadillos with leprosy into the wild... where they then infected the wild armadillo population... Good thinkin' there guys.)  Anyway, so now "In honor of Infertility Awareness" they are offering a free vasectomy to one lucky guy for neutering his pet. PETA is basing this on the idea that humans are overpopulating the planet and there isn't room for all the animals euthanized in shelters everywhere.  Ok.... I have two thoughts here. First, there is a lot of academics who argue that overpopulation is due to medical improvements allowing people to live longer, and that birthrates are actually in decline, so eventually we will slowly decrease the human population.  And secondly, less people means less homes to put those unwanted pets in.

Moving on...
2-Work is going well.  I worked 7 1/2 hours straight today.  Long shift I was pooped when I finally got off.  But I'm finding more of a rhythm.  Still coming across nuances they want done differently but I think that overall we are fitting together.  I don't think they are having to repeat themselves to me much at all.  The biggest pain is that while they are training me, I never know what my shift will be from day to day, it all depends on what the schedule looks like.  I'm hoping they don't drag this out too long... I don't mind working, but I like knowing when I can plan things. 

And this moves into my next train of thought...
3-We are officially moving forward with pursuing our own pregnancy.  Rachel emailed me officially stepping down from surrogacy and I absolutely respect her feelings.  And honestly, I'm starting to think Scott and I are ready too try, that maybe meeting her was the chance we desperately needed to take a break.  So as soon as I get a regular schedule I'll be calling back Dr.B to schedule my Lap. 

However...
4-What do I do with this blog?  I don't want to lose the wonderful support I have found on here.  But the title, url address, and description are all focused towards our try at surrogacy.  Do I start a new blog, with a link from this blog to my new blog?  Do I just rename it and change my description and live with the url?

And Finally:  A really big giant HUGE thank you for the advice and support from everyone on talking with Scott about sex.  We did discuss it a little this afternoon.  And we agreed it may be good to talk more, and maybe even talk with a counselor.  That's another one of those things that hinges on me having a regular schedule...

Ok, really, the last thing: MommyOdyssey has been having problems commenting on my page.  If you find yourself having a hard time posting, I would love it if you would send me a message to let me know.  Who knows, maybe this is my chance to move over to WordPress? (I like that they can reply to specific comments)

I'm Not Sure What My Next Move Is.

I have all these thoughts and no place to go.

Last week Rachel had a fall.  A bad fall.  From her horse.  I didn't get the whole story until today.  I thought it was just a minor "bump'n'bruise" thing.  I feel SO BAD.  I've just figured she has been busy with her trip and all... but it turns out she has a concussion, broken ribs and a hairline fracture of her hip!  Needless to say I feel bad I didn't at least have some kind of casserole or something waiting for her when she got back home! Understandably she isn't so focused on her cycle etc and that is fine.  Really and truly.  Her health and safety is absolutely number one.  My friendship with her is really important to me, and even if she told me "I don't want to be your surrogate" I would rather have her be honest and be my friend, then have her be my surrogate who is hurting.  The weird thing is a few days ago I had a dream that she and Matt got pregnant... and her last period was wonky.  It certainly could have been due to a lot of other things but I dunno... I just have this gut feeling.  (And because Scott wasn't in town we didn't even get a chance to try doing an ICI for her last cycle) And if it turns out she is?  I'll throw her a shower.  How could I be anything but supportive when she was willing to try to carry a baby for me??? And we really are friends, and because I know her and I know her story I have a pretty good guess of what it would mean to her if she was.  So Rachel, if you're reading this I hope you know I LOVE YOU, and anything you need, you let me know.

So where does that leave me in my crazy head?  Wishing I could talk to Scott but we just have not had any time!  "Ships passing in the night" sounds about right.  He was gone all weekend, yesterday we were both so tired, tonight he's at fire training... the list goes on and on.  We are too busy.  But in my head, I'm thinking, well, maybe that means (at least for the time being) that maybe surrogacy isn't right for us right now.  Reading MommyOddesy (http://mommyodyssey.wordpress.com/2011/04/05/not-knocked-up-and-happy-about-it/) and thinking that maybe I'm in a place where I could mentally and emotionally handle more testing, more trying.  And maybe with my new job we can afford it too.

Of course then my head turns to the big bad word.  Sex.  We haven't had sex since... early February?  Usually I was always the one with the high libido and Scott had the lower one.  But now... it's not like he hasn't offered.  Or asked.  But I'm kind of like "Eh.  Meh.  If you really want."  Talking with my friend Bee a bit tonight, I think that for so long, sex=baby attempts=disappointment/failure.  So now sex=disappointment.  And it's not really about Scott.  I love Scott.  I am attracted to Scott.  Although, I think the other issue is that because I was the one having to talk my husband into having sex for so long, I put a lot of effort into making sure he had a good time, and felt that when I tried to ask for things that it made him check out.  So ya, we have some things to talk about.  Stuff we needed to talk about regardless of what happened to Rachel.

So ladies, I need some help.  Scott and I really suck when it comes to talking about sex.  We can talk about all sorts of other awkward and uncomfortable subjects but when it comes to sex we are instantly prepubescent kids giggling and not being able to make eye contact.  I don't want to make him feel self conscious and I don't want us to just walk away feeling frustrated.  Some couples can talk about sex but find something else difficult (money, in-laws, whatever) so if you could give advice on how to approach this I would really appreciate it.  Because I've basically done the crying thing and am now eating ice cream... 

I'm too lazy to come up with a witty title.

Today was the start of the first week of April.  It was the first day of my next cycle.  And it was the first day of my new job!

I felt like I was moving around like I was in molasses or something, everything was just so slooooow.  Well, not everything, just me.  All awkward in a new position and trying to figure out how they want me to do things, how they want me to prioritize tasks etc.  (Although it was slow in the sense that there were no appointments, although I think that was intentional so I could get my footing in figuring out their computer system, filing system etc.)  There was was one moment of panic when I went to call in a prescription order to the CSU pharmacy and started reading from the wrong chart and Dr.A was like "No, read the chart!" and pointed to the correct one.  And another panic moment when someone called to make an appointment and since I hadn't been trained on how to do that, and the other technician was on lunch, Dr.A had to do it.  But now I know how to place pharmacy orders and make appointments!  They said that tomorrow will be really slow, only two appointments so far, so that they wont need me until Wednesday because they want me to get a feel fora regular busy day.  (I'm sure also they are looking at those two appointments and thinking that it's not working paying me to stand around all day for whatever income they make on those two appointments.)  However, by the end of the day we all seemed to be getting along really well, and Dr.A started talking about her bad roommate situation and I mentioned my bad roommate situation and we had a nice little bonding moment.

I would probably type some more but Scott just got home and I haven't seen him all weekend and we are gonna chat and chat up on each others lives so we aren't strangers sharing a bed ;)

As the Weekend Draws to a Close

What a crazy weekend.  I'm exhausted, it is 7pm and I'm laying in bed.  Going to type up this post, do a little reading ("Definitely Dead" - a Sookie Stackhouse novel by Charlain Harris for those who care) and go to sleep!  Friday night Scott went and fought fire for over 14 hours.  He came home Saturday and slept all day.  And probably would have slept all night except the fire flared back up and he got called out at midnight.  However, we had screaming winds and it was decided it was too dangerous and he was sent home at 3, but then got up at 5 and went back out on the fire this morning when the winds had died down... and I still have yet to hear from him today.  I know I wasn't the one on the fire, hiking around in the dark, but there is some serious loss of sleep when I know he is out there.  Logic tells me that I do know what i would do if something happened... but emotionally, I don't know what I would do if I lost him.

Ugh, I don't even want to think about it.

Moving on. 

Tomorrow afternoon I go in for my first training shift!  I've got my scrubs picked out, and took my shower tonight in case they call me in early (they said it was a remote possibility if they got slammed with emergencies or something) and I'm as ready as I'm going to be.

The weather has been a little crazy, it rained early this morning and has been overcast almost the entire day, and even did a little snowing this afternoon.  The rain was fabulous, the misting drizzle I grew up with.  I may be imagining things, but it seemed like the green buds on trees and new grass really popped today.  Don't get me wrong, still plenty of dead-yellow grass and bare trees, but the rain seemed to invigorate the plants or something.  More likely it just invigorated me.  I know, I know, I must be crazy.  All my Colorado friends are complaining like one day of overcast weather is equivalent to the apocalypse, but I luv it.  (And I mean seriously, ONE DAY?  Do you really want it to be sunny EVERY day?  If so, you need to move to Africa or something along the equator, because that is just a ridiculous expectation.  And it makes me want to drag them all to Seattle and see what they would do if they had overcast weather for a week, let along 9 months HAHA!  Just get a little perspective people...)

Rachel is out of town and I misses heeeeer!  I hope she is have a great time with her boyfriend and her family, but I keep thinking "I should call Rachel and see if she wants to go grab tea or something... oh, wait, she's not here" and then I make an epic pouty face that nobody but my dogs is around to appreciate.

Alrighty folks, I'm sleepy.  I've got my book (we, Nook technically) and my dogs and a comfy bed and some scented candles. And half of a sleeping pill to battle my insomnia that I took at the beginning of typing that seems to having an effect and calling me to wrap this up and get some shut-eye.  Hope all you out there in blogland have a good night and a great week full of warm fuzzy moments *BIG HUGS!!!*

Auspicious April

I texted my sister-in-law A that I had been offered the job.  She called me up all excited, but instantly recognized the less-than-enthusiastic tone in my voice.  I told her, "I need you to smack me upside the head" and she replied "I can do that."  She then proceeded to verbally smack me upside the head, but in this amazing way where I don't feel like crap afterward.  I know that this is more about my self confidence being shaken by the really bad job in Vancouver I took last fall.  And the only way to get it back is to face the problem.  So I emailed Dr.A back and accepted the job.  *lots of deep breaths going on over here*

Scott got home safely from a wildfire today.  They got paged out last night and he has been been out fighting it all night, clocked something like 14 hours.  I know this is going to sound morbid, but we love wild-fire season in our house.  It really helps to supplement Scott's paycheck.  And it's what he really wants to do.  I'm still surprised that firefighting is as competitive as it is.  He is heading out to Washington at the end of April to begin the interview process for Tacoma Fire so it would be an absolute dream come true if he got through this stage.

And then on one final, awesome note I got my Chocobuddy pairing today :D  :D  :D  WoopWoop! *doing a terrible 90's white-girl celebration dance*  I can't wait to go to the store and pick something out for her!!!

The sun in shining (big surprise here, I know, but I'm feeling the springtime-ness), took the dogs for a walk and they are happy, and I think April is going to be a good month.

I Should Be Excited... But I'm Not

I got the job offer.

I should jumping for joy.  Instead I have a pit in my stomach.  I am really worried that the vet and I are never going to click.  I hate the idea of dreading my job.

But am I feeling all nauseous just because I assume it will be bad?  Because it means I wont get to go to Washington at the end of April like I was looking forward to? Because it means no more sleeping in until noon, staying up until 2am, and hanging out with my friends whenever I want?  Because it means suddenly I have to be an adult? 

Or is my intuition trying to tell me something? You know, "Beware, rocks ahead!" ?

Or is this just my crippling-self-doubt rearing it's ugly head telling me I'm not good enough, not competent enough, not smart enough. Telling me this job is too difficult, to hard, so beyond my capacity that it is laughable that I even applied in the first place?

This offer came via an email.  So I'm guessing I get maybe 12 hours to respond?  Because she can't be sure of when I would read said email...

I should take it.  In my head, it is the logical decision.  This is technically a receptionist position that will allow me to slowly pick up hours as a technician.  It has been about 9 months since I last did all the tech-type-activities and admittedly am a little rusty so this gives me a chance to ease back into it.  And hey, it is money.  It is a job during a time when jobs are difficult to find.

So why am I not jumping up and down with excitement?

Shout Out

Here is a little shout out to all my readers who are fellow bloggers who for some reason have not signed up to be a Chocobuddy.  Let me set the stage for you...
*poor little orphan annie in dirty clothes and have sad-puppy-face*
I signed up to be a chocobuddy.  But apparently there are not enough new people signing up so I am buddy-less.  It is quite tragic.  It is a very sad state to be in.  I want to send someone chocolate!  Do you like chocolate?  What girl doesn't?!  Well, I want to send you some (and hopefully get some in return... that's the fun of it) so pretty pretty please, click on the pink and brown heart on my sidebar and go sign up.  Go, go on!  Faster, faster!

And now back to your regularly scheduled programing.

The sun is shining.  It's warm.  I even spent some time outside.  Now waiting for T to get back and we are going to make some uber-healthy seed/nut/fruit "cookie" bars.  Nummy!

Plan B... ?

Feeling discouraged about the interview yesterday.  All gross and stressed out.  And to top it off, I thought I was being all super-mature paying bills early?  Well then we were busy and ate out a lot... and now we're over drawn.  Two steps forward and one step back.  *smacking forehead with the heals of my hands*

On the upside? Scott just just got notice that an application he submitted to a fire department out in Washington wants him to take the written test, the first step toward testing/interviewing for the department.  It's the last week of April.  Who knows, maybe that will work out and it wont matter that my interview sucked?  I've been wanting to get back to the northwest sooooo badly...  But if we do that, we have a very limited amount of months to get a pregnancy to stick with Rachel.  I'm feeling pressure either way. 

I really need to just stop trying to figure out my future.  Isn't the biggest lesson of infertility, of life, of faith, that we can not plan?  That we don't know if or when anything will ever happen?  And while I know all of that... old habits die hard.  I want a plan.  A back up plan.  Ducks in a row! Here duckie duckie duckies...

I know in a couple days we will know more.  Or we wont.  And all my plans and back up plans will have been a lot of wasted mental energy and emotions. I feel like at the very least, I'm doing something.  Because I have to do something.

Apparently that something is rambling.  Sorry guys.  I promise to try to write something better later.

What a Weird Day

Thanks for the great support everyone on yesterdays post.  I had my working interview today.  It was... weird.

I started out this morning but due to some special situation stuff with the clients that came in they didn't get to see me do some things (such as check in and take patient history, TPR etc)  I did attempt a blood draw, but that is one of those skills that you use it or lose it and it has been a while for me :(  So I didn't get any blood but overall it was fine.  There was a moment when Dr. A (making a joke in poor taste?) told a client to take her "screaming kid" out of the room (The cutest little 6 month old girl who was ever so slightly fussy.  I was really kind of shocked but the mom laughed so I'm trying to let it go...)

Anyway, so they asked me to come back tonight to do some of the things I didn't get a chance to this morning.  I thought it went alright, until we had to trim a dog's dewclaw nails (that's the "thumb" that is partway up the inside of the leg) and the dog FREAKED the F OUT.  And the vet seemed kind of exasperated but it wasn't clear if she was frustrated with my restraining methods, or the situation...  So that left me feeling worried.  But ended out the night ok, I felt like I got along great with the other technicians, and maybe the doc is just a difficult person to read (everything she says is with a straight face) and it will take time to learn her humor/body language?  Before I left I asked if there was anything else and she mentioned she wanted to get in touch with my references, particularly that it was important that one of them be a previous employer. So since my previous employer is known for being bad at returning phone calls I emailed Dr.A my previous employers email address since she is much better at returning emails.  And I added in another reference just in case of where I did my internship (which is kind of like a job.... right?)

So ya.  That was my day.  Now to go veg and let my mind mush a little but and watch ANTM.  I swear it's the only reality TV I watch.  Promise.  I just like the artsy photo shoots!

Banging My Head on the Wall

Had the interview.  Not my best interview... it has been a while, I was rusty.  However, I must have done well enough because I am going in for a working interview tomorrow...

But I messed up guys.  So you probably know it is illegal for an employer to ask about family status in an interview due to liability if they don't hire you for having kids.  She didn't ask me... I said it.  She asked what my plans for the next five years were.  And of course it has been on the forefront of my mind and I blurted out "oh, ya, start a family, focus on getting my Nutrition Specialty..." blah blah blah.  She kind of freaked a tad, and said "well, how far away in the future?  I just lost my office manager because she had a baby"  And me, all deer-int-the-headlights said "oh, you know, closer to 3-5 years..."

You guys.  I lied.  In an interview.  I feel sick, like I'm going to vomit or something.  So now my choices are to continue to play dumb and then when Rachel does get pregnant do some serious groveling (assuming I get this job).  Or I tell her that "oh hey, so yesterday I lied.  We do want a family immediately" and absolutely do NOT get the job.  I'm all conflicted!  But do I even want to work for a boss that is all anti-family or baby-phobic?  I don't plan to stop working when I do become a mom... but I do plan to take a little time off to get into a routine.

Oh you guys, the guilt is killing me.  I don't want to get a job by lying.  I don't want a job just to have a job for a couple months, realize that it is not a right fit and be out looking for another job.  I just want a good job I can learn and grown in and stay at for a while. I wish I could rewind the day and redo that interview.

Any ideas?

Break Out the Bubbely!

Before my infertile friends cringe, nope, no preggers people over here.

BUT....


I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TOMORROW!!!!
*Much rejoicing, dancing, squealing and blasting of music*

I know, I know, it's not a guarantee but it just feels amazing! Not 10 minutes after I emailed out a bunch of resumes/cover letters (a la Craigslist) I got an email back from this one veterinarian (imagine that, the actual VET responded to me, not an office manager.  This place must be small... just the way I like it!)  and, and, and, when I checked out the clinics website (because Craigslist rarely names the clinic so you're blindly sending stuff out) this place sounds so COOL, they do holistic/alternative medicine along with traditional western medicine.  I don't think I could have imagined a better job place (unless it was large animal/mixed practice but still...) I am SO EXCITED!  It feels like forever since I've placed an IV, taken TPR's...

Of course now comes the really hard part. *Cue the intense dramatic music*

What do I wear????  I cleaned out my closet of crap that was outdated/didn't fit and now... hmmm... *malicious grin* I think I need to go shopping....

Oh, wait, THAT was the edge of the planet? I fell off. Oops.

Sorry that I have been MIA for the last week. I’ve been working on getting out of my slump and … well, I cannot confirm nor deny the possibility of watching a marathon of the first season of Supernatural.

I went back to church today.  It was good to be back.  It is home, a place of comfort, a way to reset.  It was pretty amusing, I only missed one week and everybody acted like I had been gone for a month.  But it made me realize how much I’m cared about.  Kind of surprised me and made my heart all warm and fuzzy.

I know I have a lot of catching up to do on everybody’s blogs.  Please know you all have been on my mind.  I’ve been pushing myself to get out of the house and spend time with Scott which means time away from my laptop.

Monday means job hunting.  Yay!  My computer had a mini miracle and suddenly downloaded Microsoft Office (I thought maybe the DVD player had finally reset, but when I went to put in a different DVD it wouldn’t work.) so I can do the resume/cover letter thing.  Keep me in your prayers, fingers crossed etc for me. 

I’m waiting to hear from Rachel about her hitting CD1 so we can start planning for April.  Spring is one of my favorite seasons (ok, there is only 4 so it kind of limits me, but hear me out) Born in March myself, and I love spring flowers (Tulips are my absolute favorite!) , the whole fresh green, new growth, new life…

So I’m grabbing onto fresh hope bla bla bla.  Don’t give up on me dear readers, I’ll try to get back into frequent posting, I’ve just been busy in the “real world”.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to upgrade back to a smart phone so I can read and post on the go!  I may be close, I got to pay my student loan, car payment AND rent for April early.  I feel SO grown up, I could go skipping through a field with pigtails…. Er, wait, I guess that’s the little kid in me. 

Just Treading Water

-If you are here for ICLW please start by reading my post written on Sunday the 20th that gives an overview of my journey-
http://becominganip.blogspot.com/2011/03/overview-of-me-and-my-ifttc-journey.html
(Still can't figure out the dang hyperlink thingy)

You guys, I'm not doing so hot.  I make plans and cancel them.  That is SO not like me. I am an obsessively punctual person who's biggest pet peeve is when people cancel on me!  There is this one side of me desiring company, sometimes I feel so alone and isolated especially when Scott is gone.  But at the same time... I just don't have the energy to do the "social" thing.  To sit and pretend that I'm ok.  And I also don't have the energy for the big breakdowns.  So I keep my interactions to the digital kind unless I'm hanging out with T.  This is a mix of "I hate being at my house" and "not wanting to be alone", but also because T is so easy to just sit with.  We watch a lot of DVD's, make dinner or whatever, but she doesn't push and ask the "how are you doing?*sympathetic head tilt*" When people ask that I then have to make a split second decision to either pretend to be ok or fall apart.  But with T I can just sit with my thoughts and feelings.  If I want to share I can but there is no pressure to do so.

Honestly, I think it's because I can't really articulate what I'm feeling and thinking.  So even though it would probably do me good to have some big sobbing break down, I just don't even know how to.  Does that even make any sense?!?!

I think the question "How are you doing" should be banned.  Things like "Hey", "What's up?"  or "How's the weather?" are still fine.  I can deal with those.

If I could go to church, stand through the service and leave without talking to anyone, maybe I would go.  I like church.  I find the services wonderful, enriching, fulfilling, but I just don't want to do the casual "oh hey how are you" in a big crowded room.  So I haven't been going.  Everyone is so nice and wonderful and caring and it's what I love about my church, but right now the idea of it is just too much.

One of the first things people ask when I tell them about the surrogacy is "Are you and Scott still trying though?"  and my knee jerk reaction is "Of course!"  But the actual fact is... "not so much".  It's not some lack of wanting to be parents, and I wouldn't totally deny Scott sex, but I am just so tired.  I'm tired of being tired, of trying to be strong and brave and hopeful.  If it was possible to have a negative of sexual desire I would have it.  Having zero desire seems to be more than what I have.  Maybe it has something to do with being emotionally vulnerable, because that seems to be an important aspect of sex, and right now I just can't be all open and vulnerable.

I found a local miscarriage support group after many friends telling me I should get some help.  But they don't meet until April 6th and that feels like forever away.

I feel like I'm treading water.  (Which is actually one of the more exhausting things you can do in the water.  Usually if you want to be relaxed you float)  I'm having some problems with my laptop which is keeping me from installing the Microsoft Office my brother and sister-in-law sent me (which I REALLY appreciate!) and I can't get a hold of my friend who works with computers to help me (and I refuse to pay $60-$100 for some laptop store to look at it when it will take maybe 20 minutes) Anyway, so no Microsoft Office means I'm not exactly forging ahead with job applications as I had hoped.  Which means I have a LOT of free time on my hands.  I fill it with reading/responding to blogs, solitaire, farmville... but I don't feel like I'm really accomplishing anything and it is this lack of accomplishing things that just adds weight to my depression.  From a clinical standpoint, depression is rooted in feeling a lack of control in one's life.  I know that the biggest part here is my lack of control in losing the pregnancy and our inability to conceive again.  But my lack of control in being a productive member of society is not helping.  Add to the lack of control in getting to see Scott, and when I do see him he is really feeling bogged down in a job he hates and so our interactions are light and superficial because otherwise he gets snarky and angry. I know he isn't actually mad at me, and he is trying so hard to separate his work and home lives, but I can see the struggle he has.  To be the strong, steady, bringing-home-bacon guy when the fact is that he would really like to tell his boss where to shove it.  And then I feel even worse because with my lack of job I can't tell him to leave his job... and around and around it goes.

I keep telling myself that April will be a fresh start.  It's spring.  I'll get to go to this support group.  It will be a new cycle to try with Rachel.

I'm just ready for it to be April.

On a random good note, Reedu of ReeWrite and I have become pen-pals (I feel like some school girl saying "pen-pals" but "email buddies" sounds weird too...) and she has offered to send me New York Bagels!  I know it's not paleo, but that is like HEAVEN.  To think, 1-real mail, not bills, and 2-bagels from New York will be in that mail.  Now just to figure out what to send back from Colorado that could ever compare to that awesomeness...

Monsters

-If you are here for ICLW please start by reading my post written on Sunday the 20th that gives an overview of my journey)-

When we were kids we were terrified of there being monsters under beds, in closets, hiding in shadow.  But then we grew up and stopped believing in such silly childish things.  That was very very stupid.  As adults, and as infertiles, we have come to realize that monsters are real.  They are out there.  And they are scary. 

I am talking about The Infertility Monster.

(I'll wait while you turn on the lights and hide under a blankie)

When I picture this particular beast, the basic framework is from Allie's "Alot". (Her blog has nothing to do with infertility, but is it HIGH-larious.  It has made me have giggle fits, complete with snorting, crying and snot dribble.  Scott will look at me like I'm some crazy lunatic and I will attempt to explain what is so funny by reading her post but due to my sniffling/snorting/dog-whistle-high-pitch-squeaky-voice it really doesn't help my attempt to convince him of my sanity.)  Check out her post at:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html
I have read every post she has ever written, and even go back and re-read them because they are JUST THAT FUNNY

(I'll wait while you go and read...)

Ok, for all you lazy folks who have decided to deprive yourselves of a good laugh, I will go on with my "Alot of Infertility"  It has the body of a yak, with bear paws and a giant round head.  My Alot has 3 CrAzY eyes and horns and drools like a MoFo. You simotaneously understand how serious and scary this critter is but also can laugh at it (Because if it was 100% scary like something from "Aliens" then how could I possible have the bravery to fight it???)

This monster will jump out when you least expect it, running wild, rampaging and destroying your home and relationships, not to mention your wallet, body and psyche.  It has some routine ways of attacking (MFI, PCOS...) but sometimes it tries a surprise sneak attack (Unexplained IF) We do our best to repair the damages (Lap, drugs...), or fortify against attacks (vitamins, exercise, herbs, aromatherapy, acupuncture) but there is no solid 100% way to destroy this beasty known to our current military (AKA modern medicine)

Sometimes though we see evidence that someone has injured it (and now it's running amok with a spear in it's bum, but hey it's injured so someone tackle the thing!!!) such as Elphie and AP  (You GO girls!) and are on their way to subduing it completely. (There will be much rejoicing, traditional dancing and face painting to the tune of "The Witch Is Dead")

I invite you all to draw/sketch/sculpt this Alot of Infertility (or however you picture this creature that MUST be destroyed!) and share it with me and I will post them up on here.

Just One Funny Moment

So some of you know how my friend T and I have been watching the original Star Trek TV show.  And laughing at some of the very "60's" moments... one being when two individuals are chastised for kissing.  So T jokingly made a comment of "kissing and holding hands makes babies!" which was an archaic wives tale told to young girls to save their modesty.  After considering the sarcastic comment she just made, T turned to me and said "Maybe that's what you and Scott need to do more, hold hands.  Then you'll have a baby!" We had a good laugh.

I just figured it was worth adding to all the ridiculous advice like "just relax" and "it will happen when the time is right" and "just adopt!". 

There is a more serious post below, written earlier today. But hopefully this mini-post amused you as much as it did me :)

The Story of Me and Scott

Alrighty - if you're here for ICLW check out my previous post on 3/20/11, here is the link:
http://becominganip.blogspot.com/2011/03/overview-of-me-and-my-ifttc-journey.html
(I don't know how to insert a link into a single word... maybe someday I'll learn lol)
Now onto today's post:

So, due to the inquisitiveness of some of my readers/fellow bloggers, here is a little history o' me&Scott.

We met in the fall of 2003, my first year of college.  (Scott had graduated a year earlier and had taken a year off to work) We did the flirting-getting-know-ya stuff, and started dating in December of 2003. 

After our first yer of college we both transferred to separate colleges, he to a college in Wyoming, and me to one in Denver.  We survived long-distance dating and in 2005 we started talking about the future.  On October 7 2007 we were married in the mountains of Colorado in Allenspark.  There was some minor hiccups, but all-in-all it was as perfect as any wedding could be (in my mind).  Sure our videographer skipped out early (no speeches or father-daughter dance) and our photographer was stressing everybody out as she tried to get a bunch of pictures, and my father-in-law never spoke to me, but hey there was no fighting, the food was good and we walked away wed.

Not shortly thereafter, in November my vehicle could not longer be limped along and we traded in for a working car, and my first car payment.  Then in December at Scott's birthday party (December 1st) our dog Bandit bit a friend of ours.  We were devastated.  Bandit had been struggling with fear aggression for a while, and we had taken him to 3 different trainers in our attempt to rehabilitate him.  But that day we realized we were not equipped for such a situation, and came to the conclusion to give him away.  Then Scott had a seizure at work, at a steal fabrication company.  And due to safety regulation, he couldn't work there anymore.

Here we were, newlyweds facing an unknown medical condition without an income.  (I was in school at the time and when I try to work while in school I fail classes)  Luckily Scott has a trust account that we could access via his mother.  However, this led to an inability for us to be seen as independent adults as we had to include her in all of our financial decisions.  This is an aspect of the relationship that has yet to change as his mom continues to treat us like teenagers still dating and not married adults.  I think that this is the basis for why she does not support us being parents.  And unfortunately the more you yell and scream "we are adults!" the less you convince them lol.

I also feel the need to explain that we come from very different backgrounds.  Our differences is what attracted me to Scott, but sometimes it does cause difficulties.  Most notably when we first married and were trying to make joint decisions. I had come from an affluent area, and while we weren't rich as far as I could tell, we never really wanted for necessity.  Holidays were big events with lavish feats and gift giving.  We had a boat and went out on it frequently on weekends and for 2 weeks in the summer for family vacation.  Scott had grown up in a family of cattle ranchers, and remembered a childhood growing up in an old modular home and being grateful for basic necessities. All through my childhood I longed to move to the country and live on a ranch and ride horses every day.  Scott had the childhood I dreamed of, and is singular in his ability to keep me grounded when I would tend toward trivial or material focuses.  And I think I help balance Scott in pushing him to shoot for dreams that his logic would say was unreachable.  We have found a good balance in our current life, but it certainly added to difficulty when first married because I was not able to accept our minimal lifestyle that comes to all newlyweds.  I laugh at myself now, but at the time it was very real, very frustrating.

Anyway, so back to the new year of 2008.  Tensions were running high to begin with.  No job, lost our beloved dog, and then we were having problems a-la bedroom.  I should explain.  I've always had a high libido; Scott, not so much.  So while we were already being pushed to our limit I was sexually frustrated, and every time he turned me down my self-esteem plummeted.  I know that he didn't mean for me to take it that way, but when culture tells you over and over that men are horn dogs and the only reason they would ever turn a woman down is because she must be hideous, how was I supposed to react?  Add to that the fact that neither of us really likes to take charge... I don't like saying "do this, do that" but I find myself doing that a lot.  So it makes sex even when it did happen not so enjoyable.  I do want to say, he is well endowed so that's not the problem.  But this girl needs foreplay.  And the only way I get it is by giving a detailed list which really sucks all the passion out of the situation. (In hind sight I think it was his way of reacting to the stress, he wasn't interested in sex when he was so distracted.)

So... we weren't doing so hot.  There is a lot that a couple deals with in just learning how to handle a new marriage (who does what chores, how to spend money, planning for the future) that is a normal difficulty.  And we had a number of other big issues on top of all that. 

We almost got divorced I am ashamed to admit. 

We started seeing a therapist who I also have to admit I was skeptical of.  We had done some premarital counseling and the woman we worked with really kind of sucked.  I had initially started college majoring in Biblical Studies and minoring in Psychology.  The problem with the term "Counselor" is that it requires no official schooling or degree, ANYONE can call themselves that.  I have a lot more respect for licensed Psychologists and Psychiatrists because they have had schooling.  Anyway, this new therapist actually was pretty good and helped us to work through our resentments and disagreements to a certain extent.  It saved our marriage.

So all of this rambling is supposed to help you to see us as people.  With flaws and a past.  We are far from perfect now, but I have to admit that having such a rough start forced us to find tools to strengthen our marriage.  We have had conversations "normal" married couples probably don't have while still in the first 4 years of marriage.  We have talked about organ donation, what we want done to us after we die, what we would do if the other did die... Scott is a volunteer fireman so mortality is something I've faced since first dating.  But his seizure really hit home.  He did have a second seizure 6 months after the first one, but since then he has had no further seizures or any signs of having them.  We are forced to shrug and chalk it up to how his body handled stress.

I have plenty of stories and details but I'm not sure what you guys really want to know... so feel free to ask, I'm an open book.

Overview of Me and My IF/TTC Journey

This is for all the folks here for ICLW this month (and anyone needing a general overview) Sorry for the length, but when shortened it to a bullet-point-format I felt like you lost a sense of me.

My name is Kira.  I am 26, married to a fabulous husband who is 27.  I'm a Pisces and while I don't really believe astrology, it kind of fits me perfectly.  People pleaser, loves the water,  sensitive yada yada yada.  I have a soft spot for hot shoes (designer knock-offs usually since I can't afford Stuart Weitzman all the time) and cute jewelery (think Claire's) I love horseback riding, singing and my three pembroke welsh corgis.  I grew up outside of Seattle and moved to Colorado for college, got married and haven't been able to leave (yet).

I was married back On October 7th, 2007 to my "Teddybear", Scott :)  We were young by today's standards (Me 22, he 23) although at that point we had been together for 4 years.

In August 2009 we decided to start TTC.  (For all those doctors blaming women for waiting to long to start a family, I tried starting young and it hasn't gotten me anywhere) I gave away my horse so we could focus financially on preparing for a family.  6 months of charting showed no change in temperature, and my OBGYN refused to refer me to a specialist until we had tried for a year.  I decided to get a second opinions and went to specialist anyway.  They looked at my charts, ran a LOT of bloodwork, and vaginal ultrasounds (Gooooood morning!) and determined I was not ovulating.  They started 100mg of Clomid... without a change. 

They added an hCg injection to induce ovulation for the June/July cycle of 2010 and for the first time, we got pregnant.  We shouted it from the rooftops, announced on facebook and called up the grandparents-to-be.  However, within the week we found out the the hormones weren't doubling, and were told (after two vaginal ultrasounds) that we were going to lose the pregnancy.  My doctor decided not to schedule a D&C and instead wait for nature to take its course.  While probably wise medical advice, it was hard to sit and wait for bleeding to start. 

(Equally hard was the lack of support found in Scott's parents who were "relieved" because they don't support us starting a family... but that's been vented in other posts)

I was finishing up my degree in Veterinary Technology at the time, doing rounds at the local veterinary teaching hospital.  I took a week off to lie in bed crying and avoid interacting with people when we got the diagnosis, then returned determined to just focus on finishing and graduating. 

I also decided (overnight) to move to my home state of Washington.  I lined up a job and a place to live when I finished school in August, and in September 2010 I packed up my three dogs and drove halfway across the country to my fresh start.  This fresh start wasn't all it was cracked up to be, Scott was stuck in Colorado trying to sublease our house, and the job I got wasn't the best fit.  By mid October, exactly 1 month after getting there, my job was done.  I took a week, moved in with my mom to regroup.  Applied to a job back in Colorado and got the interview.  Loaded up my car again (with three dogs!) and drove back again and got the job! 

I guess the good news is I still had a house to come back to, and had a place to unload.  Of course as awesome as the job was, it was just a temporary position and ended in February 2011 and I have not been able to find another job since.

After moving back in Mid-October 2010 I reconnected with some great friends, one of them being Elizabeth who introduced me to her new roommate Rachel.  Over lunch at Panera one day Rachel and I got to talking about my infertility.  She asked me if Scott and I had ever considered surrogacy.  At that point Scott and I had had two friends offer to be surrogates, but both times it had been off-the-cuff and there is a lot to consider.  So I told Rachel yes, but not really.  Then she told me that she had been wanting to be a surrogate, had put a lot of thought into it, and offered to be one for Scott and I.  I went home that night and talked about it with Scott.  I googled.  (My search results were unhelpful to be perfectly honest)  I prayed.  A lot.

The whole way, faith has played a big role in our desires to be parents.  And it continues to be. But no amount of prayers or tears has given me some kind of direct memo from God so I continue to try my best to discern His plan for our life. We are currently catecumins in the Eastern Orthodox Church (meaning we are learning about the faith and what it means to be a member)

And yes, we have considered adoption.  But there is a lot to consider, and a lot of requirements, some of which Scott and I would not meet per the State of Colorado and/or local adoption agencies.  So for us, at this time, adoption wasn't right.  But I applaud all those who bravely go down that path and perhaps one day we will too.

After I had moved back in October we did pick up TTC, doing Clomid and hCg injections without success.  My doctor finally scheduled an HSG... that showed nothing.  I was really disappointed, if we couldn't find out what is wrong, we couldn't fix it.

So back to Rachel.  There was much discussion, and of course the contract, but we officially began attempting a Traditional Surrogacy in February of 2011.  We chose Traditional Surrogacy (where it is Scott's sperm and Rachel's egg) over Gestational Surrogacy (IVF of embryo[s] formed via my egg and Scott's sperm) because we were not comfortable with the ethical dilemmas associated with IVF (What to do with extra embryos) and honestly, because of the cost associated with IVF.  We aren't rich, and frankly I don't think you need to be super-wealthy to be a good parent, but the fact is IVF is very expensive.  (I don't judge people who pursue IVF, it just wasn't right for us) 

February's attempt to impregnate (I hate that word but I'm not sure what word to use in its place) Rachel didn't take, and March ended up being a wash because Scott was out of town for work and was not in town to deposit his "sample" when Rachel was ovulating.  (I should mention that we could not find a doctor in our town willing to work with a surrogate so until we find a doctor to perform an IUI we are doing ICI at home, also referd to as the "turkey baster" method)

I cannot describe how crazy it is that we met Rachel when we did, that Rachel and I would connect like we did.  I very rarely make such statements, but I believe God brought us together.

And this blog, is about our path into surrogacy.  You can check out Rachel's blog by clicking the link on the right side of the page.  She is super awesome, amazing, intelligent, witty... I could go on and on but you'll have to check it out for yourself. :)

And on a final note, I am working to lose weight.  My whole life I have struggled with my weight, and an eating disorder of food addiction.  In late February of 2011 I realized I had hit 250 pounds wearing a size 20 pant, and was scared sh*tless.  My dad and his whole side of the family has struggled with weight and I have seen the long-term side effects of cancer, heart disease etc and I do NOT want that to be me.  So I am trying my darnedest to be Paleo (a diet based on anthropological study of what people naturally eat as hunter/gatherers) and trying to increase my exercise.  I have dropped one pant size (Yay!) and am determined to get down to single-digit-pants! (Although that is a long term goal, one that may not be reached for a year)

So read, comment, and please let me know if there is anything you want to know, or if I should change anything about my blog to make it more reader friendly :)

"Mutual Friend"

Can I start by saying how honestly and truly tired I am of having to write on this subject.  But as it continues to come up in my household it continues to be at the forfront of my mind and so it is what I end up writing about.

I was made aware today that my roommate denies reading my blog, but that a "mutual friend" does and then passes on the topics I talk about to her.

I was really surprised to learn this.  So this message is meant for whoever this person may be.  If you don't agree with me, I would greatly appreciate you approaching me and talking with me about it.  I'm not interested in having a bunch of "yes men" pretending to support me while not actually supporting me.  Scott and I had a discussion today where he didn't agree with something and while I was surprised I would rather he be honest with me then lie to me.  Sometimes it is a simple matter of clarifying something, and sometimes it means agreeing to disagree.  But either way, I would like to talk to you.  It's what friends do.

On the fertility front, I'm anxious for Rachel to hit cycle day one so we can start planning for the next cycle.  And I hope to get to hang out with her, due to scheduling we haven't gotten to hang out at all and I miss her! *Squoze hug* to my wonderful friend!

And on the silly front, we are coming to the end of season one of Star Trek and I'm looking forward to season two.  I'm becoming an addict, I can tell :D  But don't worry, I wont consider naming my baby Spock or anything.  Although I did jokingly "yell" at my dad for him not showing us these episodes growing up (we watched all kinds of old TV shows, does anybody remember the black-and-white Zorro show??) but not Star Trek.  He laughed and said that even when they came out and were the best of the technology, it was still cheesy.  I explained that is what is so fun about it!  Oh we had a good laugh...

To therapy or not to therapy?

How does one go about finding a therapist specializing in infertility?  I promised my friend M that I would go see someone to talk about my infertility/miscarriage/EDD because

1-she is going to see one for her unplanned pregnancy with a baby-daddy that wants nothing to do with her or the child so I promised her I would do it for the sake of solidarity.  While I know infertility is damaging, I can see that her situation comes with its own trauma and pain and my heart goes out to her.  I wish we lived closer so we could help in some tangible way.

And 2- because, well, it's kind of a long time coming.  My emotions have been all over the place this month; anger, depression, I've been becoming more and more hermitish in my desires.  When I told Scott he said that he thought I was fine and that this was out of left field.  But I told him... first of all he has been gone for the last week.  We talk for maybe 15 minutes in a day when he travels like this.  And even when he is home he comes home from work in such a foul mood I don't bring it up.  And when I did bring it up at the beginning of the month he was kind of "there there *pat on head*" about it.  I'm sure he wasn't trying to blow me off, but he did.  So I hide it from him.  Hey, I studied psychology for a bit, and while I hate to admit it, I can hide my emotions from him when I want to.  Heck, I can hide it from the whole world if I want to, I grew up in a white-collar-neighborhood where you learn to put a smile on your face and go about your day like nothing is wrong because you don't want to impose.

But I know that's not healthy.  Usually I am the first person to say "I need to talk to someone".  I saw a school counselor my second year of college when my parents separated/divorced after 25 (27?) years of marriage. I dragged Scott into pre-marital counseling to "prepare" us for marriage.  We went back again when in the first year he suffered 2 seizures, lost his job and a host of other small crap that all piled up to a really strained relationship.  One thing a psych professor told us and has stuck with me is "Everybody has issues.  And when you start to think you don't is when you're screwed."  So normally I'm fine with going. 

But I think... I didn't want to go because I didn't want someone telling me not to be sad.  I think it's ok to be sad!  If I wasn't sad, then wouldn't it mean I was some heartless, insensitive robot or something?  I don't think I'll ever be 100% over this.  Infertility changes people, read ANY infertile blog and you'll see that. Optimism and hope get dashed again and again and even though we still hope, the hope is tainted.  It's not the same care-free hope we had before finding out about our infertility.  And I don't want to go over all the details again, start fresh with someone ELSE who hasn't been here for the last two years and feel like I need to justify where I'm at.  But I also can't see someone who says things contradictory to my faith.  No offense to people of other faiths, but if I went and saw someone who was all Buddhist/nirvana/new age about this it wouldn't work for me.  And you can only tell so much about what a therapist will be like until you go and meet with them.  And the idea of going to multiple people is just exhausting.

So I want to stay in bed where it is comfy and safe and not go out into the world.  Except I got woken up this morning by my roommates dogs.  I know she can't do anything when they bark when she is gone... but actually there is.  She could close them up in her bedroom so they don't stare out the big front window and bark at every leaf that moves out on the yard and street.  I lock my dogs up when I'm not home, it is for their safety as well as to be respectful of other people in the house.  She knows her dogs freak me out, why does she continue to leave them loose upstairs?!  I don't even want to go get breakfast most mornings because I'm terrified that one of these days one of those dogs is going to attack me for no good reason.  So no breakfast for me today, I'm just staying in bed.  Except I promised my friend E that I would go check on her horse sometime... well Scott is gone for the moment with the truck so I don't have transportation.  So I think that's excuse enough to continue being a hermit until he gets home.

Tiny Victory!

T's dad just said that he was fine with renting the house to us this summer (WOOHOO!) but he wants to replace the carpets before we move in, so we will have a month or so from when T moves out to when we can move in that we will need to find a temporary place to live...  (BOO!)  He said he was willing to negotiate the price with us too, (YAY!) so while it will be more than we are currently spending on rent the fact is ANY place we move to (that isn't some nasty whole-in-the-wall that rats wouldn't even live in) would be a rent increase.  So... here's hoping I find some super awesome job really soon so that the rent increase will seem less overwhelming and that we can find a place to live/keep our stuff while they renovate the house.  One small step for me, one giant step for... I'm not really sure who.  But someone has to be taking a giant step somewhere, right?

Homesick

I just got two eCards from my dad.  One super-sweet-sentimental and the other hilarious.  My dad was always amazing at picking out cards (multiple cards!) for every occasion. I've said it before, but I'm a daddy's girl.  I miss my dad.

And maybe it's because it's almost 1 in the morning.  Maybe it's because it's my birthday.  Maybe it because I've spent the last couple of days talking with friends and family more.  But I miss home.  The great green beautiful NorthWest.

Can I move to Seattle now?

I miss the grass, the evergreen trees, the moss, the ocean, the ferrys, and I most definitely miss the rain.  Rain is soothing, the steady white noise as you snuggle under blankets.  Sun is harsh and burning.  Sometimes the excess of sun in Colorado is like hanging out with those extremely sheltered religious kids - they are always SO dang happy, you just want to shout at them "You know there are starving kids!".  I'm all for a little vitamin D but somedays I just want to cuddle up to the comfort of rain and have my expressions of sadness visible and tangible.  Some days I don't want to deal with the zealously-perky sun.  And I most definitely have had enough dead dry brown to last me a lifetime. People say they get depressed by the rain? I get depressed by the brown. 

My mom offered to fly me and Scott out to Seattle next month.  I so very desperately want to jump on it.  But I have responsibilities here.  I need to find a job. (It would be just my luck that the week I'm out of town is when someone would want to interview me) I need and want to be in town to not miss Rachel ovulating again. (Let's just hope Scott will be in town this time too!) I have a responsibility to my dogs, I can't just run off and not plan on where I will leave them.

And honestly? I know my mom wants me to fly out to see her, but I could really use some non-mom time.  I want to spend time in the lush forests and with friends.  So my motives to accept the tickets wouldn't be very pure.  So instead I'll just sit here and miss my home state and try to be a mature adult.  And tell myself my little mantra of "Someday I'll move back. Someday I'll move back. Someday..."

Today I've got some rage and depression. You've been warned.

First for the good news: I am officially in jeans one size smaller than I was in last month.  Hurray for the loss of fat!

Also, tomorrow is my birthday.  Yay birthday!  I may be turning 26 but I still like to celebrate birthdays with the same enthusiasm I had as a kid.  Except other people don't like to celebrate like that anymore so I have no friends to invite over to wear silly hats and play games with me.  But I'm enthusiastic regardless.

Now for what's been rattling around in my head for over a week.  Last Saturday, before Scott and I went to talk with Father M, a friend started offering reasons why he thought the Orthodox church doesn't support surrogacy.  I would like to start by saying that NONE of the reasons he listed were given to us by our priest, but I have read them as being the Catholic stance.  This person was raised Catholic so I get the connection, but it wasn't accurate to our current church, and was really hurtfull.  I have thought about addressing the situation with my friend but he is the kind of person that always thinks he is right, and anytime there is a disagreement he thinks it is a chance to debate and is not able to "agree to disagree" and I don't really want to get into a big emotional debate on the subject.  Add to that that a different friend voiced concern that my approaching it now would have more to do with my pride and therefore probably not a great move, is making me think I shouldn't bring up the subject.  Anyway, here were his arguments:

Because Rachel is Jewish, being both of her genetics and grown in her womb will be "spiritually damaging for our child."  That our child would somehow be obnoxious/out of control/damaged/psychotic or something.  That having a baby from non-Christian parents would make our child extra sinful or damned.

When I pointed out that adopting a baby would most likely mean it would not be from Orthodox parentage, he said "But Scott and you would not be involved in creating the situation."  ("Situation"?!  Like this is some unemotional business proposition?)  I can't even begin to tell you guys how much that infuriates and offends me.  While we can debate nature vs. nurture all day, and I do recognize that a child that is biologically Rachel's will posses many traits of hers, I don't think that my child will be doomed to be a serial killer or anything.  The child will be loved, blessed and prayed for regardless of whose womb is grows in!  And honestly, I've met plenty of Christian people who are not half as nice, honest and awesome as Rachel.  I can't imagine a better fit for us!

He said that to continue to pursue surrogacy would be willful, disobedient and sinful.  I'm sure he had other points but my rage kind of blacked out some of the conversation.  I sat there and didn't say anything.  Mostly because I knew that if I did I would start screaming and such an emotional outburst wouldn't really help my argument.  He himself has 5 kids, and while they did suffer a miscarriage, he doesn't know the pain of desiring a child and not having one.  I don't think he can really talk to me about having patience or giving it up to God etc.  (Although I do have absolute faith that whatever God desires is what will happen)  And so below is the letter I wrote and would like to send but wont because in truth it probably is a bit about pride.  But at the same time, I feel that someone has to educate him or else he will continue to go around shooting off at the mouth about something he has no real experience or empathy with.  I also know that as blunt as he is with people, he has expressed a desire that they be blunt and honest with him back.  But that's hard for someone as reserved and people-pleasing as myself.
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"Dear ____(name omitted to protect their privacy, although I know most of you would never meet them),

I have been thinking over our discussion on Saturday about Scott and my decision to pursue surrogacy. At the time, I didn't say anything because truly I was very upset and felt that if I did say anything I would have either broken into tears or become angry and I did not want to handle the situation so emotionally. I know that you did not mean to upset me. But I felt that I had to let you know that what you said was hurtful. It also was inaccurate, as far as it being the Orthodox stance. None of the reasons you listed against surrogacy have ever come up in my conversations with Father Mark, although I have seen them listed as reasons the Catholic church does not condone surrogacy. But I am not, and never have been, Catholic.

I know that you have been through some difficult and traumatic events, and comparably I had a very easy childhood. However, you have not experienced infertility and just as I can not speak to the traumas of you life, this is a traumatic event that I feel you should not talk about so decidedly.

Please know that I want us to be friends and do not want this to turn into a debate and that I don't hold any grudges, but felt that I had to be honest with you about how I felt."
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I guess I know what to say if when he brings up the subject again, right?

To top it off, the time down here in Bloomfield has gotten a tad awkward. T's dad is one of those talkative button-pushers, who thinks he's really funny but isn't. He keeps joking about keeping my dogs (ha ha ha...) and feeding them people food (the vet tech in me wants to scream) and he keeps giving T a hard time about how messy her house is, how much time she spends on her laptop etc etc and she is getting all irritated and me being the peace keeper feels like I'm in an awkward place.  So I spend a lot of time on my laptop or my Nook trying to avoid the tension.  Mostly I wish that we were just heading back north today, because while my roommate situation is very tense, I've learned how to avoid my roommate and hide in my bedroom or take a long soothing shower.  Here I don't really have a space to retreat to.  And I had to turn down dinner with Rachel and I would much rather being having dinner with her than staying up here and having all my food options be junk like pancakes and lasagna.  Ugh all the grain is making me nauseous.


Wow that all sounds really whiny but it's where I'm at today. *shrug*