Feeling discouraged about the interview yesterday. All gross and stressed out. And to top it off, I thought I was being all super-mature paying bills early? Well then we were busy and ate out a lot... and now we're over drawn. Two steps forward and one step back. *smacking forehead with the heals of my hands*
On the upside? Scott just just got notice that an application he submitted to a fire department out in Washington wants him to take the written test, the first step toward testing/interviewing for the department. It's the last week of April. Who knows, maybe that will work out and it wont matter that my interview sucked? I've been wanting to get back to the northwest sooooo badly... But if we do that, we have a very limited amount of months to get a pregnancy to stick with Rachel. I'm feeling pressure either way.
I really need to just stop trying to figure out my future. Isn't the biggest lesson of infertility, of life, of faith, that we can not plan? That we don't know if or when anything will ever happen? And while I know all of that... old habits die hard. I want a plan. A back up plan. Ducks in a row! Here duckie duckie duckies...
I know in a couple days we will know more. Or we wont. And all my plans and back up plans will have been a lot of wasted mental energy and emotions. I feel like at the very least, I'm doing something. Because I have to do something.
Apparently that something is rambling. Sorry guys. I promise to try to write something better later.
If there's anything I've learned is that there is no way you can plan. You can pretend to, but just know that life will THWART every single plan you make. Kinda frustrating, right? Learning the lesson doesn't always mean living it with it in acceptance though :). I'm not too bright that way...
ReplyDeleteSomebody gave me a quote once, that said something like, "If we spend too much time mourning the life we'd planned, we miss out on the life we've been given." Which was poignant and wonderful, and totally lost on me. I NEED a plan.
ReplyDeleteAs for something to do... Go outside. Fresh air and exercise. Twenty minutes of walking flips some magic switch in your body that turns thinking from negative to positive.
Good luck!
CallMama - At least we can be not bright together! Or, as I like to think of it, as battling the Life Thwarter together, complete with superhero costumes...
ReplyDeleteMarie- That is a great quote! I'll do my best to remember it. And I know I need to get out more, I get to distracted with blogs/books/movies that by the time I remember I was going to go for a walk it is dark and I look at my dogs and feel EPIC GUILT. But it really does make a difference, tomorrow I'll make it my first thing I do so I don't run out of daylight. :)
What Marie said. :-) In our little community, the best thing we can do is learn how to live WITHOUT a plan. Trust me, it'll make your life a heck of a lot simpler.
ReplyDelete*hugs*