Just Treading Water

-If you are here for ICLW please start by reading my post written on Sunday the 20th that gives an overview of my journey-
http://becominganip.blogspot.com/2011/03/overview-of-me-and-my-ifttc-journey.html
(Still can't figure out the dang hyperlink thingy)

You guys, I'm not doing so hot.  I make plans and cancel them.  That is SO not like me. I am an obsessively punctual person who's biggest pet peeve is when people cancel on me!  There is this one side of me desiring company, sometimes I feel so alone and isolated especially when Scott is gone.  But at the same time... I just don't have the energy to do the "social" thing.  To sit and pretend that I'm ok.  And I also don't have the energy for the big breakdowns.  So I keep my interactions to the digital kind unless I'm hanging out with T.  This is a mix of "I hate being at my house" and "not wanting to be alone", but also because T is so easy to just sit with.  We watch a lot of DVD's, make dinner or whatever, but she doesn't push and ask the "how are you doing?*sympathetic head tilt*" When people ask that I then have to make a split second decision to either pretend to be ok or fall apart.  But with T I can just sit with my thoughts and feelings.  If I want to share I can but there is no pressure to do so.

Honestly, I think it's because I can't really articulate what I'm feeling and thinking.  So even though it would probably do me good to have some big sobbing break down, I just don't even know how to.  Does that even make any sense?!?!

I think the question "How are you doing" should be banned.  Things like "Hey", "What's up?"  or "How's the weather?" are still fine.  I can deal with those.

If I could go to church, stand through the service and leave without talking to anyone, maybe I would go.  I like church.  I find the services wonderful, enriching, fulfilling, but I just don't want to do the casual "oh hey how are you" in a big crowded room.  So I haven't been going.  Everyone is so nice and wonderful and caring and it's what I love about my church, but right now the idea of it is just too much.

One of the first things people ask when I tell them about the surrogacy is "Are you and Scott still trying though?"  and my knee jerk reaction is "Of course!"  But the actual fact is... "not so much".  It's not some lack of wanting to be parents, and I wouldn't totally deny Scott sex, but I am just so tired.  I'm tired of being tired, of trying to be strong and brave and hopeful.  If it was possible to have a negative of sexual desire I would have it.  Having zero desire seems to be more than what I have.  Maybe it has something to do with being emotionally vulnerable, because that seems to be an important aspect of sex, and right now I just can't be all open and vulnerable.

I found a local miscarriage support group after many friends telling me I should get some help.  But they don't meet until April 6th and that feels like forever away.

I feel like I'm treading water.  (Which is actually one of the more exhausting things you can do in the water.  Usually if you want to be relaxed you float)  I'm having some problems with my laptop which is keeping me from installing the Microsoft Office my brother and sister-in-law sent me (which I REALLY appreciate!) and I can't get a hold of my friend who works with computers to help me (and I refuse to pay $60-$100 for some laptop store to look at it when it will take maybe 20 minutes) Anyway, so no Microsoft Office means I'm not exactly forging ahead with job applications as I had hoped.  Which means I have a LOT of free time on my hands.  I fill it with reading/responding to blogs, solitaire, farmville... but I don't feel like I'm really accomplishing anything and it is this lack of accomplishing things that just adds weight to my depression.  From a clinical standpoint, depression is rooted in feeling a lack of control in one's life.  I know that the biggest part here is my lack of control in losing the pregnancy and our inability to conceive again.  But my lack of control in being a productive member of society is not helping.  Add to the lack of control in getting to see Scott, and when I do see him he is really feeling bogged down in a job he hates and so our interactions are light and superficial because otherwise he gets snarky and angry. I know he isn't actually mad at me, and he is trying so hard to separate his work and home lives, but I can see the struggle he has.  To be the strong, steady, bringing-home-bacon guy when the fact is that he would really like to tell his boss where to shove it.  And then I feel even worse because with my lack of job I can't tell him to leave his job... and around and around it goes.

I keep telling myself that April will be a fresh start.  It's spring.  I'll get to go to this support group.  It will be a new cycle to try with Rachel.

I'm just ready for it to be April.

On a random good note, Reedu of ReeWrite and I have become pen-pals (I feel like some school girl saying "pen-pals" but "email buddies" sounds weird too...) and she has offered to send me New York Bagels!  I know it's not paleo, but that is like HEAVEN.  To think, 1-real mail, not bills, and 2-bagels from New York will be in that mail.  Now just to figure out what to send back from Colorado that could ever compare to that awesomeness...