Saturday, March 19, 2011

To therapy or not to therapy?

How does one go about finding a therapist specializing in infertility?  I promised my friend M that I would go see someone to talk about my infertility/miscarriage/EDD because

1-she is going to see one for her unplanned pregnancy with a baby-daddy that wants nothing to do with her or the child so I promised her I would do it for the sake of solidarity.  While I know infertility is damaging, I can see that her situation comes with its own trauma and pain and my heart goes out to her.  I wish we lived closer so we could help in some tangible way.

And 2- because, well, it's kind of a long time coming.  My emotions have been all over the place this month; anger, depression, I've been becoming more and more hermitish in my desires.  When I told Scott he said that he thought I was fine and that this was out of left field.  But I told him... first of all he has been gone for the last week.  We talk for maybe 15 minutes in a day when he travels like this.  And even when he is home he comes home from work in such a foul mood I don't bring it up.  And when I did bring it up at the beginning of the month he was kind of "there there *pat on head*" about it.  I'm sure he wasn't trying to blow me off, but he did.  So I hide it from him.  Hey, I studied psychology for a bit, and while I hate to admit it, I can hide my emotions from him when I want to.  Heck, I can hide it from the whole world if I want to, I grew up in a white-collar-neighborhood where you learn to put a smile on your face and go about your day like nothing is wrong because you don't want to impose.

But I know that's not healthy.  Usually I am the first person to say "I need to talk to someone".  I saw a school counselor my second year of college when my parents separated/divorced after 25 (27?) years of marriage. I dragged Scott into pre-marital counseling to "prepare" us for marriage.  We went back again when in the first year he suffered 2 seizures, lost his job and a host of other small crap that all piled up to a really strained relationship.  One thing a psych professor told us and has stuck with me is "Everybody has issues.  And when you start to think you don't is when you're screwed."  So normally I'm fine with going. 

But I think... I didn't want to go because I didn't want someone telling me not to be sad.  I think it's ok to be sad!  If I wasn't sad, then wouldn't it mean I was some heartless, insensitive robot or something?  I don't think I'll ever be 100% over this.  Infertility changes people, read ANY infertile blog and you'll see that. Optimism and hope get dashed again and again and even though we still hope, the hope is tainted.  It's not the same care-free hope we had before finding out about our infertility.  And I don't want to go over all the details again, start fresh with someone ELSE who hasn't been here for the last two years and feel like I need to justify where I'm at.  But I also can't see someone who says things contradictory to my faith.  No offense to people of other faiths, but if I went and saw someone who was all Buddhist/nirvana/new age about this it wouldn't work for me.  And you can only tell so much about what a therapist will be like until you go and meet with them.  And the idea of going to multiple people is just exhausting.

So I want to stay in bed where it is comfy and safe and not go out into the world.  Except I got woken up this morning by my roommates dogs.  I know she can't do anything when they bark when she is gone... but actually there is.  She could close them up in her bedroom so they don't stare out the big front window and bark at every leaf that moves out on the yard and street.  I lock my dogs up when I'm not home, it is for their safety as well as to be respectful of other people in the house.  She knows her dogs freak me out, why does she continue to leave them loose upstairs?!  I don't even want to go get breakfast most mornings because I'm terrified that one of these days one of those dogs is going to attack me for no good reason.  So no breakfast for me today, I'm just staying in bed.  Except I promised my friend E that I would go check on her horse sometime... well Scott is gone for the moment with the truck so I don't have transportation.  So I think that's excuse enough to continue being a hermit until he gets home.


  1. A good therapist wouldn't tell you not to be sad - they'd help you work through your feelings.

    Read that post - she's amazing, and I think it might help you. My vote it to find a therapist! I'm currently looking for one as well.

  2. Thanks Josey. I found her blog back in February (yay for ICLW and all the new blogs that lead me to read other new blogs etc etc lol) but I haven't read her archives much. Definitely will though :)

  3. Just read it... not an archive, it's a new post! Ya, that was pretty much perfect and I wish I could get all my friends and family to read it.