Besides the impending doom that IS my mom coming to visit next weekend (ha ha, just kidding, er....) I'm struggling with a much bigger milestone this month holds. The due date of the baby I lost in August/September. March 28th. Could have been an amazing day.
I can't help myself, but these thoughts will suddenly pop into my mind at the most random and emotionally crappy moments:
If we hadn't lost the baby, we would have already had the baby showers. Our spare room would be all decorated as a nursery instead of just a spare bedroom/giant walk in closet. (We call it the "closet room" somedays lol)
My mom wouldn't be flying out for three days to celebrate my birthday, she would be coming out for two weeks to help us with the new baby. (It would probably be too much time with mummy dearest but also very much appreciated I'm guessing)
I would have this big ol' pregnant belly, feeling it wiggle and kick (My bladder, spleen, ribs... ok ouch but also amazing)
Scott and I would be discussing the birth plan (home, water birth!) and baptisms and time off work.
We wouldn't be defending our choice for surrogacy to people right and left. We wouldn't be just a couple. We would be a family.
I know, I can play the "what if" game until I'm blue in the face. But it's poignant to realize that this would-have, should-have, could-have been a month that would change our lives forever.
Yes, I feel confident and hopeful about the possibilities of surrogacy. But I have to acknowledge my sadness that we lost a child. That is what it is to us. Some people would say it was a bunch of cells, or the idea of a child. After all when the miscarriage finally happened there was nothing to differentiate it from a normal period except my medical record of failing blood tests and it's delay. But to us, it was our child.
Little child, I'm sorry we never got to meet. Look into each others eyes and nuzzle noses. I'm sorry I never got to rock you, or sing to you, or snug you into bed. Read you stories, push you on a swing, take you to your first day of school.
I don't know what else to say.
EDD is a really tough time... he/she was your baby - no matter how others respond (or their lack of response) but blogging has helped me to see that there are so many BLMs who feel a really strong bond with a little one that they may never have met but is very real. I've also realised over the past year that they grief of losing a baby is not just for the child itself... but a grief for all the lost dreams and hopes that will never be. Look after yourself this month. I truly admire your choice of surrogacy and look forward to sharing this journey with you xo
ReplyDeleteI started dreading the due date about a month before already and it was a tough month. I must say I think I have some sort of closure, now that it's passed but I'm already dreading the anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant. I guess there will always be dates that are going to be hard for us...
ReplyDeleteI find comfort in the fact that I know my babies are in heaven and with God. They are in a much better place than we are, and I know I will see them one day!
{{hugs!}} I still feel that tinge on May 5th, even 10 years and two healthy children later. There's an image of the holy innocents all together under the throne of God, singing to Him - I really love that.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry--none of this is fair :(
ReplyDeleteThanks for the understanding gals. Sometimes I feel like I need to justify my emotions or something. Like I'm crazy and alone. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one. *hugs to everyone*
ReplyDeleteI understand completely! I went through those exact feelings in October (my EDD for the baby we lost). We were proactive in our approach to the month we knew would be hard and we packed it full of fun things to look forward to. We had time to grieve but for the most part we were go, go, go. I am so glad we kept busy.
ReplyDeleteLast month was the anniversary of the loss and that was a difficult month, too. Thinking of you as you get close to this sad day. Praying it comes and goes as quickly and easily as possible.