Besides the impending doom that IS my mom coming to visit next weekend (ha ha, just kidding, er....) I'm struggling with a much bigger milestone this month holds. The due date of the baby I lost in August/September. March 28th. Could have been an amazing day.
I can't help myself, but these thoughts will suddenly pop into my mind at the most random and emotionally crappy moments:
If we hadn't lost the baby, we would have already had the baby showers. Our spare room would be all decorated as a nursery instead of just a spare bedroom/giant walk in closet. (We call it the "closet room" somedays lol)
My mom wouldn't be flying out for three days to celebrate my birthday, she would be coming out for two weeks to help us with the new baby. (It would probably be too much time with mummy dearest but also very much appreciated I'm guessing)
I would have this big ol' pregnant belly, feeling it wiggle and kick (My bladder, spleen, ribs... ok ouch but also amazing)
Scott and I would be discussing the birth plan (home, water birth!) and baptisms and time off work.
We wouldn't be defending our choice for surrogacy to people right and left. We wouldn't be just a couple. We would be a family.
I know, I can play the "what if" game until I'm blue in the face. But it's poignant to realize that this would-have, should-have, could-have been a month that would change our lives forever.
Yes, I feel confident and hopeful about the possibilities of surrogacy. But I have to acknowledge my sadness that we lost a child. That is what it is to us. Some people would say it was a bunch of cells, or the idea of a child. After all when the miscarriage finally happened there was nothing to differentiate it from a normal period except my medical record of failing blood tests and it's delay. But to us, it was our child.
Little child, I'm sorry we never got to meet. Look into each others eyes and nuzzle noses. I'm sorry I never got to rock you, or sing to you, or snug you into bed. Read you stories, push you on a swing, take you to your first day of school.
I don't know what else to say.