Making My Stand

I have been thinking about what will happen if Rachel ends up with an absolute BFN.  Like I've said before, I like my plans, my ducks-in-a-row.  I lay awake at night thinking about all the possible outcomes and what my plans are for each of them.  So now, I must get it out and stop the insomnia.

Don't get me wrong, if we aren't pregnant, we will try again.  (Assuming Rachel wants to of course)  And I don't hold Rachel "responsible", I truly hope she wont feel guilt or any negativity.  She is doing all anyone can ask, and more!

But here is where it gets.... sticky.  If you read the "Faith" post from February, you already know that our new church, the Orthodox Church, does not agree with surrogacy.  As we are only just still Catechumens, we are not held to the same standards as a regular Chrismated member.  And when we sat down with our priest, he basically stated that since we had already done the ICI he didn't want us to feel bad or regret the decision and that if a baby was conceived it would be welcomed and loved.  But he also said that now that we did know, if Rachel didn't conceive that we would all sit down and talk before moving forward with another try.

I don't want my dreams of a family to come between me and my faith.  Up until this point I haven't had a single issue with the theology in the Orthodox Church.  I can't imagine going back to a Protestant church now.  But... I can't even tell you how much I do NOT want to sit down and have a theological debate with my priest.  Because at the end of the day, he has to side with his Church.  I get that.  I don't look down on him for that.  The classic country song says it "You've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything".  But what do you do when the thing you stand for is at opposition to something so vital to you?

It's tough because I know we will move forward with trying again.  Doing closer charting and an ovulation predictor kit.  I feel that this is the right choice for us.  And I feel like I have theological reasons and backing.

I've never been good at the "blindly following".  Or maybe it is because I am a knee-jerk-blindly-follower, innocently gullible person... My mom was always worried I would perhaps get sucked into some cool-aid drinking cult, and so really impressed upon me to question, and learn.  So while some might say that if Orthodoxy is my future, that I should just listen to the good Priest and be a good girl and all that.  But I can't.  For better or worse it is who I am.  Fighting off my gullibility.  Some say I am overly liberal, stubborn, obstinate, rebellious.  I don't mean to be, I'm just following my heart.

On a completely separate topic, I am down 6.5 pounds, WOO HOO go Paleo!  However, today I got hit really hard with cravings for junk food.  And I was hanging out at my friend T's house, where we made double-chocolate-guinness-brownies last week and there were some still left... We made a healthy dinner of chicken stir fry, had some nuts and dried fruit, but I couldn't make the craving go away.  Technically, I was full, but with my history of food addiction my craving for that brownie had nothing to do with fullness.  (I've eaten half a pie in a single sitting before... not something I'm proud of)  The me a year or two ago would have said "Screw it, I'm eating the brownie.  I've been so good the last couple of days, and one brownie isn't going to ruin everything".  But tonight, I CONCURRED!  I WON!  I did NOT eat the brownie.  I compromised and had some chai, which I know has milk so isn't Paleo in the strictest sense, but tea has to be better than the brownie...  I got my "warm sweet fix" and don't feel heavy with guilt, shame, and an extreme excess of calories.  I really can't tell you all what an accomplishment that was for me.  I know that if I can just get through two weeks most of my junk cravings should go away, and then when I do have a brownie it will be because I make an intentional choice instead of giving into a craving like some drug addict looking for a "fix".  (And for those who want to bash comparing a brownie craving to a drug addict, that is what food addiction IS people.  I've never done drugs, but when you talk to a psychologist they are comparable.  If anything, they say food addiction is worse because you can logically say "I will never do that drug again" whereas I cannot say "I will never eat again" because my body needs nourishment and food to survive.  The difference is instead of destroying my skin/hair/teeth, my addiction has made me a size 22.)  Anyway, didn't mean to go off on a rant.  I need to get some sleep now that I've finally gotten the thoughts that have been floating around my head out and onto paper the internet.  I have to get up at 4:30 to babysit my Godson tomorrow morning :)  Always fun!